Houston, we have a problem.

The salmon is gone.

Plus I had cream cheese today.
It wasn't even intended, after lunch I came back to my office, felt bad about eating (and not going to the gym this morning because I overslept ...) and decided to check my mails and comments when I read Sammy ranting about my disgusting salmon and onion dinner I had yesterday and the day before and how much better her cream cheese is. Fun.

The rest of the day was boring. Not much to do at work, nothing to be a bit more exact. I was occupied for ONE hour! ONE! out of 8 I have to be there. Normally I end up having at least 2 days per week working up to 10 hours! And today was so boring. I wanted to leave, go to the gym, but couldn't because I had to wait for one email. One. An important one. It never came. Fuckers.


I got so bored that I decided to get a new haircut. So at 4 pm sharp I drove home and went to the hairdressers and that bitch really fucked my hair up. I have a side fringe now but it is way too short. My hair is also layered which could make a good look - but not like that! I lost so much hair!

Skarsky, guy from work, once made a compliment. He never does that, normaly he's the one to tell me my makeup's not perfect, my hair is a mess, there's dirt on my jeans and I'm overdressed.
Until one day I had my hair in a messy bun like a ballerina but a bit messy. When we met for lunch I opened my hair and he said: "Aaaand the bun's gone. Man, what are you always doing to your hair."
I got really angry and wanted to shout at him until he looked and me and said: "I was just saying ... I really liked the bun. It suits you."

I should've known. The way he'd said it was like an insult but of course the only way for him to compliment me is to point out that the opposite is a really bad thing. You know what I mean? He cannot compliment me, he has to hide it.

Now my hair is too short. For my curls as well and my vintage hairstyles. What am I going to do now?

Frustrated I decided to go shopping. Don't do that after getting a bad haircut - at least not with a butt my size. It won't cheer you up, it'll tear you down.
It took me 5 minutes after getting my own clothes back on to leave the dressing room.
Fuck jeans. Fuck levis.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I keep running to the gym, start purging again? I'm still fat and ugly. And of course I grabbed a pizza and chocolate and ate it and sat on the couch the entire night.

I really hate my body, my hair, my entire look right now. All that time I sat in the chair and this beautiful bitch cut my hair I felt ashamed, I felt like someone who doesn't belong because the face looked bad, too, bloated, not the best skin and now a hideous haircut to complete the drama.

My flat is messy, too. Shit. I have no time or energy to tidy up.

I miss Skarsky. Another 2 weeks without him and I probably won't see him until then. And when I do his first thought will be "What have you done to your hair, girl?"
But I want to have him around, despite his teasing me, despite his hurtfull comments, despite the fact that he will always talk about cars and exes, despite the fact that he's so grumpy sometimes and his mood swings are really something you could live without.

Fuck.

This is so Apollo 13.

Uhm. Yeah.

Reward hidden in trousers ...

Now I am a 22 year old single reincarnation of Bridget Jones. How come I have not thought of this earlier?!

Almost two hours at the gym yesterday and in a rush I had to make myself look pretty for the guy we would meet at the bowling center. So no time for wellness, for sauna and relaxing, nothing. There was no time for curling my hair (I'm really obsessed these days with Vintage hair, bit of a curly pin up style) and because I'd been at the gym and had to use the weird hair dryer they have. As a result I had very shiny hair and not a bit curly, it was really sleek. But I looked and felt good after the workout.


Bowling itself was fun, I enjoyed it mainly because I had to keep moving, losing more calories. I also realised that I had not eaten one thing the entire day. Yes, some veggies and a pudding, that was the plan - but I DID NOT EAT IT!

Being near that guy again was fun but again there's no chance that he'll contact me.
I was really happy though because Skarsky, the guy from work, sent me a text, nothing special but it made my day. Silly.

So today I decided to meet a friend (used to be a close friend but I never see her these days) at the gym. We worked out for 1,5 hours and then took some time and went to the sauna.

I still am amazed that I have never thought of this before.

Ladies, there are some really fit guys out there. One of them I've been watching before, he was running in front of me, really fast and had such a nice arse. Sorry, but there really aren't many possibilities to avoid that view, I was on a treadmill right behind.
Later it turned out that I knew the guy, as soon as he turned around I hated myself for looking like a pig when I'm sweating. He looked gorgous.

Well, there are these guys and now, spending so much time in the wellness area, it finally hit me.


Get a good workout first.
And then go get your reward.

I LOVE men with a good body. Arse and legs aren't that important but the torso and back and neck ... oh boy.

Well, I plan on going to the gym again tomorrow.



The thing is:
I came home and binged on a pizza and two slices of bread with salmon and onion.
Afterwards I felt really guilty. Now that I'm going to the gym again it feels even worse, eating. So I did something I have not done in a long time: I purged. Fingers down my throat and i got rid of almost everything.

Okay so I had a pizza ... or not. But I did, sort of, right? So I have to go back to the gym tomorrow.

I'm tired but will read 3 or 4 posts, go to bed, SLEEEEEEEEP.

Lots of love!

what keeps me going.

Sammy and Fat Piggy will get me through tomorrow.

I spent this day trying to get my apartment clean and tidy but somehow could'nt finish it. There was too much food I found in the kitchen - most of it is gone now and I did not get rid of it by using the bin. Finally I came to my senses and started reading your blogs - after all I had a lot of catching up to do. Had there only been more time ...

but time went by way too quickly and I had to go some friends' house. We played cards ... and had some salad. Potatoes. Salad is not always the best choise, believe me. Especially not when mixed with french fries. Potatoe salad and fries, what a silly combination!

An hour ago I finally found my way home (it is 4 am now) and, knowing how much I ate this night, I decided to read Judith's blog.
Bloody hell, Judith, I love your blog but it really took some time to read all those posts. Okay, my own fault, I should've fixed my computer sooner and stay up to date all that time. Her blog is not exactly a thinspiration to me, I feel to much when I read her blog, but it always has this effect on me like ... well, an eye-opener or something like that. I cannot quite explain but I am really focused after every post. focused on what exactly one god knows but focused nevertheless.

The good thing is:
You might remember that during stocktaking I had to go to this birthday party and met a really goodlooking bloke (imagine this dream guy, charisma that only men like Clooney, Jude Law, Johnny Depp have. Someone every girl wants to have). We got along really well, there was chemistry, but I didn't ask for his number and neither did he. It was a "well ... we both know we're interested but probably will never see each other again. Goodbye then - but be sure that I will always remember you and think of you with a smile".

The friends asked if I wanted to go bowling tomorrow, huge crowd, about 12 to 15 people will be there - including that guy. I really doubt that anything interesting will happen but here's the plan:

I will get up early (notice how late I post every time and mention that I'll be up again in 5 hours? Maybe I should change something) and go to the gym for about 3 hours. 1,5 hours workout, 1,5 hours wellness.
Afterwards I will get some stuff ready for work, do my paperwork, TIDY UP THE REST OF MY APARTMENT (and if I don't, please please please shoot me!!) and read Sammys and Piggys blogs. I really look forward to reading those blogs.
Especially Sammy is someone who keeps me going. This blog is somehow ... important to me, don't ask me why.

Yep and that'll get me through the day, I'll allow myself a pudding and maybe a very very small portion of cooked vegetables (peas and carrots) but no more.

Don't really have the time to eat, too, after all I have to find a perfect outfit for the evening. Skinny Jeans and maybe a Christmasy pullover (red white and blue with reindeers on it, bit fluffy) and a headband maybe? Curls! CURLS!!! That'll take some time. And of course my 50's eyeliner.

Yep, the guy will regret not having my phone number. Haha. Oh I'm only abusing him for not finding time to binge.

Another thought: People keep calling me Scherbatsky. It started a couple months ago when I had to dye my hair brown (because of work, I had Rihanna extreme red hair until then) and i was at a club when a guy next to me looked up and said nothing but "Scherbatsky". He looked stunned, I was stunned and said "Uhm. Right" and walked away. Since then it's been happening again and again. I'm still wondering if it's a compliment or not.

Christmas eve on a treadmill

YES! I spent Christmas eve at the gym. No family, no huge dinner.

Okay, I had spaghetti but it was not a binge and I am very glad for it.

Going to the gym is always a huge motivation - there are so many girls my age that keep running for 1,5 hours - really fast, too. I love staring at them because they look so skinny.

And after showering, when I change, I like standing there in my underwear or jeans and bra because all of a sudden, when they take off their sports outfit, all of a sudden I'm the one who looks good. I really don't know why but it makes me happy.

So they motivate me first and after that I feel better because I look better in a bra and jeans. Funny, isn't it.

Hope you had a good Christmas. Don't eat too much.

how to go out for lunch and lose weight.

Do you know the miserable rich? They have this amazing video for their song „Let me fade“ – starring two squirrels. I love squirrels. Russell Brand once compared American and English squirrels in his first autobiography “My Booky Wook” and said that the English ones are so much more beautiful and I think he’s right. I’m glad they didn’t pick grey squirrels for the video.

My computers not doing so well – again. Sometimes I’m glad that computers are not kids, I’d probably get an award for being the worst computer mum ever. Cannot look after this baby, there’s always something wrong with it.

Last time I found time to blog was during stocktaking.

Oh and I wrote one I couldn’t put online but posted it a couple minutes ago – so my last post was written in November, remember that when you’re reading please.

I barely see warehousewowguy these days but luckily the flirting ended – maybe because he once said I should send him a text if I wanted to hang out that Friday night and I didn’t. Smart girl that I am I decided to enjoy the compliments and ignore the man. Feel good when he says something nice but that’s all. Healthy attitude.

Not so healthy is my attitude when it comes to Skarsky, the other guy from our building. He can be a right arse, believe me, and I have absolutely no reason to like him. After all I never get the feeling that he likes me or sees me as a “friend”-colleague. Which is why our relationship towards each other is a bit weird:

We always go for a smoke together, it seems like there’s no one else we could go with. He’ll call, I’ll say “Yep”, and I’ll spend another 5 minutes with him. All of a sudden he started asking me if I’d come to lunch with him and the guys from his team – and after a couple days it wasn’t asking, it was “We’ll leave in 5 minutes, meet you downstairs”.

I said “not so healthy” … see what I mean? Yes, I had Chinese 5 times in 2 weeks. Greasy Chinese food. The good thing is – and I suggest you learn from me! – is that I finally discovered salt and pepper. And Chili. Whatever there is on the plate, eat sloooowly and as soon as you feel full - or, if you don’t, then just do it as soon as you’ve eaten half of the portion – spice it up! Make your food unbearable!

Skarsky and the other guys don’t even ask no more, which is good.

After two weeks of getting into this routine I even survived the 3 course dinner at our Christmas party, I only had about 5 bites in total. Good, isn’t it? I lost weight that night.

I’ve got a week off now and that is not good at all. All of a sudden I started eating again and have not felt worse in ages.

Starting tomorrow I will start dieting again.

Skarsky has 3 weeks off and I probably won’t be seeing him until then (although he suggested I’d come round but we’ll wait and see) – until then I want to be skinnier. When he comes back to work in 3 weeks I want him and his team to look at me and actually say “You’ve lost weight, haven’t you?”

Maybe it is a good thing that I only had lunch with that team because he asked me to and now that he’s not there I probably won’t be eating lunch for 3 weeks. As soon as he’s back he’ll ask again, I’ll say yes (and damn, I’ll be wearing my skinniest jeans and a really skinny top!), order the smallest portion, have two bites, pour some soy on it and then they’ll look at me and see that I’ve lost weight.

I finally know what to do with my flat. It’ll cost me a lot and I don’t have the money but next year I’ll redecorate my apartment. Vintage has always been my thing and I decided to put a lot of beige, white and pink in it. It will be a bit romantic – not kitsch but cosy and a bit girly and there will be lots of things from the 20s-50s.

Oh I need more money, I finally found vintage stores nearby and want to check them out but dare not to without any money in my bank account.

Shoot. 4 am and have a dentist appointment in 5 hours. Good night!

november post.

This post was written in November! Had no time to put it online but you can read it now :)

Oh Luce. I was at work when I read your comment and it made me laugh so much that my day was saved. Dunno why. But your attitude when it comes to dating at work was so optimistic ...

Please forgive me for disappointing you. I overslept this morning and had no time for the gym. Considering that I've been on my feet, working 9 to 11 hours every day since last Monday now, I guess this failure was ... okay. Not good, but okay.

What is not okay though is the pizza I just shoved down my throat. I've been doing really good during the last week, no food in front of the tv in the late afternoon, a lot of exercise - and still I have not lost any weight. The "it must be muscle weight you're gaining" doesn't count. There are no muscles, believe me. I still have a very long way to go.

You should try something:
Eat only one thing during the day - preferably for lunch since it really fills you up for a couple hours, you won't be hungry in the evening and you can enjoy feeling empty in the morning.
Next step: eat only half of what's on your plate. However big or small the portion is, throw half of it in the bin!!! GET RID OF IT!
And then run for 10 minutes every night. Or do something else. But move.

And now let go of all these stupid rules, eat your half sized portion for lunch, at nighttime fail and have a pizza.

Guess what will happen?
Of course. Next day you will be a right struggle. You'll eat more than you should because it is so easy to fall back into the old pattern.

So tomorrow I will have to prove to myself and to you that last week was not for nothing. I will not disappoint you.

I'm thinking about going for a quick run (after X-Factor :D) but I still haven't really slept, had no weekend and I am physically exhausted. 100 % exhausted.

Motivation!!!
Warehousewowguy.

Remember how I said I don't see him that often because - well obviously the warehouse is not round the corner. From time to time he walks in because there's a delivery but it doesn't happen regularly and there are many other people at the warehouse to do that job.

He did send me a couple unneccessary mails today though and I gave him a call to find out if he was having a laugh (of course he was ...) and during this very cute and weird conversation (now that inventory's over and we're all still working we're all nuts. Absolutely weird. Today three of us giggled for ten minutes, staring at the desktop, not even talking to each other but giggling even though there was no joke. Now imagine how odd the phone call must've been) - uhm. where was I ? Ah. Yep, during that call he mentioned that he'd come by the office tomorrow.

I have nothing to wear!!!
Why am I even thinking about that??! Jesus.

Today at work was a bit weird but I had a couple cigarettes with the younger guy who works in the same buidling, oh for fucks sake, let's give him a name. Hm. Uhm. Okay let's call him Skarsky because I once said he's the norhtern type like Alexander Skarsgard. kay. So Skarsky is very cynical and very often makes fun of me and is quite insulting at the same time. He would never comfort me, he's too much of a "bloke". I'm trying to look pretty and he stares at me and makes fun of my lipstick. That sort of guy. The kind of guy you have in every second soap opera, kind of an ass but you like him anyway.
He was very relaxed today and in a happy mood which I liked, for the first time ever he even walked with me the longer way back to the office because I had to pick up the mail (normally he goes back to the office without me even though it only costs half a minute to come with me).
I enjoyed that.

The third guy from work, the one I want to impress, let's call him ... shit, dunno. Already running out of names. Suggest something? Haha. Anyway, he's still not really talking to me, which is kind of sad.

Okay, X-factor is almost over, I'll go get my running shoes.

Hey guys. This is important to me - I really have no idea how to behave tomorrow at work when warehouseguy comes by.

Please advise me? I can read your mails at work so please, as soon as you have a tip for me, let me know!!!

The entire warehouseguy thing is really weird for me and to be fairly honest - and I think you've been waiting for me to admit this for a couple posts now - I think spending so much time with Skarsky is quite a danger zone as well.

Oh shoot. Well.
I'll then go for a run.

Love you.

Warehouseworkoutwooooowguy.

Stocktaking is FUN!

It also turns out to be a good workout. So after the first two days I had to help in the other warehouse and wanted to impress that guy from my office but we barely spoke to each other, there was no time.

I did talk to one of the guys who works in that warehouse, though. Oh my gosh, he's really lovely.
He gave me his oversized sweater and said I could keep it. When I said "really?" he said "Of course. I woulnd't give it to you if I wouldn't like you, don't you worry". That was really nice.

The first two days I had salad and ate only half of it - but the salad really wasn't good, my stomach kept grumbling so I ordered pizza the other two days. Sounds foolish, doesn't it? But it turned out to be the right thing, I didn't feel sick and ate only half of both pizzas. And the workout.

Warehouse-guy helped me whenever he saw me carry something heavy. Clever girl that I am I only picked the heavy boxes from every top shelf as soon as I realized I'd have him around as long as I went for them plus I'd get a lot of exercise.

Saturday night I went to a party (yep. After 11 hours at work.) and stayed there until 3 am because there was another guy who was really nice and good looking and quite a flirt. We didn't even touch but there was a connection and I had to prove myself that I was ready to move on (you know ... after the affair ...) - yep, I talked to him for a couple hours, made myself feel a lot better and went home at 3 am (without a phone number, though). 4 hours later I got up again and went back to another 12 hours at the warehouse (to admire warehouse-guy).

Tomorrow morning I'll go to the gym again (okay, I spent 11 hours at work - again! and I'll have to get up in 5 hours again but who gives a shit).
Hopefully skinny treadmill-girl will be there. The inspiration.
I'd love to post a photo, you guys would LOVE her!!!

I don't really know how to handle those silly stories about the guys. Warehouse guy, that one especially. Because I'll see him from time to time, I'm really attracted to him, I won't see him often enough and I'm not allowed to date him because I don't want to date someone at the same company.
Stupid.

Hm. Tricky.
What would Jane do ...

Inspiration on a treadmill

It's annual stocktaking-time.

I've been counting for 10 hours today - it was fun. I liked it. Okay ... I'll admit: The guy I had to count with was the young guy who goes for a smoke with me every now and then. The guy I skipped lunch for only to smoke a cigarette with him once?. I enjoyed his company, it was fun. He's tall and looks a bit like Alexander Skarsgard (Eric, Tru Blood) - not that good of course but the same type.

Tomorrow I won't be in that warehouse (the one under my office) but in another warehouse. Have to be there at 7:30 - Shoot, that's in 11 housrs!
Okay. Thing is: however much I enjoyed that guys company, the other guy will be there tomorrow.

The one I had the argument with, the day before I fainted. Remember? He's about 30 years old but looks a bit younger. He's got a lot to say in our team and I really want to impress him. But somehow we don't really get along. He doesn't know how to talk to me, he said so. And so we're avoiding each other. That wouldn't be a problem - after all there are so many other people who can help me out and I really don't have to talk him.

Now imagine that: I actually like this guy. I really do. Not only that Iwant to impress him, whatever the cost, no, I "like" him as in I want him to think of me in a good way. I want him to like me, too.
I wouldn't fall for him, don't you worry, that's out of question. But today when he came in our office for ten minutes - well, I felt better. He didn't talk to me (after all there was nothing to talk about) but I couln't help myself. I kept looking at him. For the first time I saw him in a hoodie. Normally he's the shirt and v-neck sort of guy, very british, very stylish. Not today.
It felt good to see that he's wearing normal stuff, too. That he has clothes who don't belong to the office.
Ever noticed how you cannot imagine some colleagues in other clothes but their business clothes? I'm rambling, I know. But it really was a nice experience.

Whatever happens tomorrow, I want to improve our relationship, I want thim to notice I'm a nice person.

Monday and Tuesday we had a cigarette together (yes, I timed it a bit, I saw him leaving the office and went after him. Only because I wanted to talk to him in a normal way, to create a relaxed situation after our huge fight). And woooh we actually talked for a couple minutes. So that was good.


During the stocktaking our company pays for our lunch. So we order pizza every day for the next day - Yesterday and today I had salad.

Our team consists of about 20 people and I was the only one to eat salad! But my stomach went crazy so tomorrow I'll have pizza. It's a very small one so I guess it's okay.

Yesterday I went to the gym before work and it was so inspiring! There was this girl on the treadmill and she was skinny, as skinny as Nicole Richie in her skinniest days. But she kept running. For 2 hours. It was amazing to watch!

I don't have time to go to the gym today, tomorrow and Sunday but will do next week because it really felt good to work out again.

You should do that, too.

Lots of love

fast and faint. fail.

Today was quite a good day - I fainted in public ´.
Not that good, yes. But the reason for fainting:

Yesterday I had a huge argument at work and around 4 or 5 pm I couldn't hold back the tears. Luckily not many people were there (Friday afternoon ...) but my team witnessed my breakdown. It was because there's this guy who has a lot to say and I respect him and want him to notice that I am trying really hard to do my best. He doesn't and most of the time it seems like he's annoyed that I'm even there because I'm the only one who did not study what she's doing (yep, I am in another department and it's not at all what I studied).

He is not very sensitive and started snapping at me. And all of a sudden I started crying. He kept ranting and things got worse.
In the end I stayed until 8 or 9 pm, on my own, and tried to prepare things for Monday. I will go and apology for being too weak or whatever and from Monday on I will never be weak in front of him again. Never.

Eventually he will have to start taking me seriously.

Until this drama began everything was okay. Remember how I told you about those two guys at work in my last post?
The younger guy and I had a couple cigarettes together - first one when the other guys had lunch. Yes, I skipped lunch to have a cigarette with someone. And it worked! I didn't even realise what I was doing.
He also made me laugh when the drama started. First time I noticed I'd start crying I went downstairs, told him to come with me for a smoke and tadaa. I was able to smile for another 5 minutes. But then he went home and I was alone with my team, started crying, went back to work for another couple hours and drove back home. I went to bad, again a friday night on my own. And forgot - totally forgot! to eat.

This morning I woke up early due to a grumbling stomach. Felt great. It reminded me of my time in England when I was doing really good and lost 10 kilos in 22 days.

So to avoid eating I decided to go into town. And eventually fainted in a shop whilst talking to a saleswoman. It was really embarassing. Even more embarassing was when the woman asked me if there was anyone she could call to pick me up and I had to say no - not because it wasn't necessary but because there is no one who'd come pick me up. I guess those old friends would've thought: what. you woke up again. what could I possibly do for you now?

Something like that.
I went home and had some spaghetti and salad - quite a plate full, to be honest, but I really had to eat something.
This morning I weighed 128 lbs.
Not 125 but I'm getting there.

The good thing is: I finally know that I am still able to fast. Okay, I spend the next day in a shop lying on the floor, looking like a complete idiot, but hey ... whatever it takes, right?

So I'll try to fast at least twice next week. I'll just have to spend a bit more time with the smoker.

Hm. :( My surf stick's not working again.
But now I'll finally read your blogs - and Lucy's. I feel really bad for not leaving a comment :(

xxx

men. question mark?

Nothing about food or being fat today.
Ok the question, yes, but nothing else.

Luce, thank you ... I'll leave a comment tomorrow okay?

Here goes:
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?

No. I don't. I can't, I lack the discipline.

Okay. Here's what I wanted to write about.

I really miss the guy. He treated me really badly but I liked him. Plus the sex was good. And I never have sex with anyone, I'm sort of frigid to be honest. For some reasons I really don't let men touch me. Snogging is okay, really, no problem with that, but anything else? Yeah, so I finally was able to sleep with someone. I've had enough chances before but he was the first one I let.
Yeah. I miss him.

I am quite lonely. I never really had a relationship. my longest relationship went 2 months. I am almost 23 years old now. you can always blame me for not letting anyone near me - well not quickly enough. But the real problem is this: no one's trying to be near me. To get to know me.

It's like ... i am just not interesting enough.

But I feel really lonely. One of the things I liked so much about the affair was sleeping at his place. He'd listen to weird documentations on the radio to fall asleep. It worked for him, not for me. I'd listen to that stuff because it was interesting. I guess he was already used to it so it didn't bother him. He sweated a lot during the night for a while. He had nightmares and once his chest was really wet, I was surprised that he never woke up. Sometimes I only slept for about 3 hours. but every day I woke up early, got dressed and went to work - 2 hours earlier than I normally do. I felt amazing, not tired at all. Now that it's over I cannot sleep. And I cannot wake up, It takes me ages to get up in the morning.
I miss his smell, too.

It's been a month now. I've not seen him since then and I stopped crying (every day that is).
But I'm beginning to realise that I need someone near me.

I find myself daydreaming. Often when I wake up I lie there and think about what it'd be like to have someone lying next to me.
How silly is that? Because it happens every morning. And then I start crying again until my pillow can't soak in any more tears. Pathetic.

Distracting myself is the only option I have but work and food are not good enough for that. So I try to flirt. Well actually I don't but I guess I am. There's one guy at work constantly teasing me, he's like 10 to 13 years older than I am, not pretty, not my type but really witty, clever and a good laugh and sometimes we talk on the phone for 10 minutes, just chit-chatting. And then I wonder: am I flirting? And why? Because he's too old, not my type and I am not interested at all.

Another guy at work is someone I barely see because he's in another team. Sometimes we go for a smoke together. Well at least that guy's younger and you could even say he's not so bad looking. He has really beautiful blond hair, I like that, + he's tall. He, like the other guy, teases me a lot. And the difference to said other guy is that I'm not flirting, not at all, I couldn't even if I wanted to. Whenever I think someone's worthy of my attention (ok let's just say whenever I find someone even one tiny bit interesting) I get really shy. Because I say so stupid things so very often and don't want to look like an idiot in front of someone I look up to - it's better to just keep my mouth shut, right? So I'll call him, ask if he's had a smoke in the last couple hours, if he hasn't we'll go out for 5 minutes and I'll ... listen.
He's a cute guy and has a great sense of humour, he is also quite self-confident but not too full of himself. And he's quite an entertainer if he wants to be buuuut he doesn't have to be like that. I would love to have a boyfriend like him.

Why is no one interested in me?
Why does no one love me?

Why are the only guys looking after me the guys from work with grey hair who really are way too old, who have daughters 2 years older than I am?
Why does every fat bitch have a boyfriend?

Why do mean bitches have relationships with really sweet guy who will do anything for her?

Why do they all move in together?
To show me that everyone else is able to be in a relationship?
Everyone but me?

WHY?!!?!


Sorry that was quite a ... random rant and out of nowhere, I know that. I don't know why but I had to post it. Because ... I'm sort of angry. Yeah, I really am, my hands are shaking I'm so angry.

Jesus. What the fuck's wrong with me???

60 days challenge

Woke up to a very lovely comment from Sam Lupin and it was the perfect reminder to keep going. Thank you Sam! I also decided to join the 60 days challenge Sam and Samzi are doing.

60 day CHALLENGE

Week One!

Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.

I constantly eat after work. As soon as I'm home I will grab something to eat and just shove it down my throat. Of course it doesn't stop. I'll only stop when I'm full.
I also give in very often at work when they decide to cook something for lunch. No one really cares about how much fat they eat. But eating with my colleagues is deadly for my already ugly figure.

I will stop eating after 5 pm and I will only eat with my team if they're having salad. Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic). I am 172 cm tall (5,64 ft) and today I weighed 134 lbs.

Where the fuck did that come from?!?! I weighed 130 lbs 2 days ago!!

Oh shoot. I had chinese food last night, remember ... + that friend who took me out for dinner 2 days ago. Well, I'm getting rid of it. THATS WHAT HAPPENS! Don't you dare be as silly as I was this weekend!!! Let it be a lesson to you all!

Oh my god I just realised that means I'm almost 61 kilos heavy and my BMI is over 20!!! All that because of one weekend! I feel disgusting now. I haven't felt this disgusting in months, really. It's like I've been in a coma, unable to realise what the numbers were telling me. Knowing I was fat but now how much! Oh damn.

Okay, so I hope after those 60 days I'll weigh ... Yep, remember my last comment? Is it 60 days until Christmas? Think so. So I would like to weigh 115 lbs by Christmas. Santa could you arrange that for me? Thank you.

I have to go now. Tidy up my parents garden. Keep myself busy. Stay away from food.

Do better than I did!
Love