I'm thinking about leaving bloggers again.

I started blogging a couple years ago and it really helped me through all this - mainly because of all the support, it was like being with a family, everyone was there to support each other. Sticky, Luce, Ancora, Matilda, Melon, who's gone missing - and now?

Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy that some of you guys are still there, reading my comments - even "new" followers like Sam (okay, you're not so new but one of the newest compared to the other ones ...)

it's just:

it feels weird. 2 years ago I had more followers and they left so many comments and that really helped me.

Please please please don't get me wrong, this is a vicious circle, really!

I have not been this lonely in a very very long time, I live for work and have no social life at all, people judge me every day and then posting stuff and realising that so many followers have stopped reading my blog, that depresses me. Even though it's wrong, it feels like ... like some sort of proof that I don't deserve a social life.

Shoot.

And mia is back, it's well known that I spend every day at the gym but I still gained 11 lbs and my mother recently even said to me: "You've been eating a lot recently, haven't you?" And then she said "Sorry, but I can see it". After that I stepped on the scales and found out that she was right.

Everything's just great.

The new job is not what I had hoped for. And to make everything even worse the women at work don't like me and talked to the boss who now has the impression that I don't want to learn anything, feel superior and don't want them to teach me anything new.
Right.
Me, of all people. I'm the last person to leave the building 4 days a week because I'm trying to learn as much as possible, I ask so many questions every day and I'm really trying to be polite - hell, i'm not trying, I feel like I'm brown-nosing every fucking day until 7 pm and then it's either the gym or a huge binge or the gym and after that the fucking binge and I'm exhausted and I have no idea what to do anymore and I don't even want to be here anymore!!!!

this sucks!!!!!!

and i dont even fucking deserve this!!
I never talk bad about people, I dont talk behind their back, i dont judge, i try to learn as much as possible, i gave up on my friends for work, i go to the gym 4 times a week, and everyone judges me and i'm not happy!!!!

ive not been happy in a long time.

i hate this.

Prescription: spend time under a tree!

First post in March ... god, time flies!!!

Not many news, I ate a lot, spent lots of time at the gym, at the doctors and with my mum.

She's really trying to help me to get back to normal. I mentioned it before - the last couple years were really rough, I went through a lot and had not one break in like 5 or 6 years. I never realised how much it affected me and was really concentrated on working - it "helped". I enjoy working, I love it.

Many people tried to tell me that I was fooling myself and needed some time off but I couldn't accept this.
Looking back I realise now that I was pretending to agree, just to shut them up, the next time I knew that they were right, a day later they were completely wrong - since work kept my mind from all the other problems, right, and I liked working. It was a vicious circle.

Turns out that my mother was right when she said I lost myself.

Now she's really trying to show me how to live again.

As a child I spent every minute in nature, I was always moving, running, I was one of the kids you couldn't slow down, who would always be in the wood, trying to build a tree house. I also remember the neighbour kids being really jealous because I was so tanned. I never looked like someone from the north, rather like someone from the south, Spain or something - but with really really white-blonde hair. Quite beautiful actually.

For the last 5 years people kept telling me how pale I am - and they are right. My skin is so white, they could easily make me Edward Cullens skin double just to save on the white make up.

And with all that my skin got really bad. Doctor said something about me not spending time outdoors - really outdoors, not in the middle of the city - has done so much damage to my health that it will take ages to fix it because my body needs fresh air. and movement. and not at the gym. Blah. I could go into detail but my English isn't good enough to explain what the doctor really said. It had something to do with my blood cells and oxygen saturation and hell I couldn't even explain all that in my own language!



God I have NO TIME for all that!!!
I have to spend time at the gym - it makes me really happy, working out, plus I eat way too much, so have to do something for my body.

The new job means I have to focus on that. I have to spend 9 hours at work each day, after that the day's over!

There is not enough time! Not even for the blog and that's killing me, too.

But I'll try to spend at least 1.5 hours 3 times a week outside, in the woods or fields or something.

Sounds so silly, though!!

Have skin problems and feel tired all the time, Doctor, please help me. - Yeah right, here's your prescription: spend as much time outside of the city as possible. 


Anyways.

That's all for now ... I'm still reading your blogs and will post comments again as soon as I have more time on my hands, I swear!! :)
(or at least to sam and luce. I'm actually quite pissed because I've spent so much time on other blogs, leaving comments and asking questions and they never actually answered - bit demotivating, really, supporting others and never a reaction ... I enjoy reading blogs and blogging on my own but without Luce and Sam blogging wouldn't make sense at all anymore.)

Gosh I'm really grumpy, now that I had to write all that down (t'is a really touchy subject to me).

Gym closes in 5 hours so have to go.

xxx
Miss B

Imagine Johnny.

Quick one - I am exhausted!!

So I just realised that I actually have not eaten meat for a weak now.
I am definitely not one of those hippos, pretending to care about the horse but swallowing a chicken without thinking.
To me it's all the same. I used to be a veggie so whatever meat I see, I am very well aware that it is nothing but a dead animal.
Don't get me wrong - I never judged. Luckily, considering the fact that I started eating meat again when the bulimia kicked in. I even believe that some bodies actually do need some meat to work properly.

I just feel like I have to defend myself - for going veggie again.
I cannot resist the sushi and eggs though. Not yet or not any more.

So I went out with a couple friends for some sushi and one of the guys is a very lovely character but not a role model. Drugs, mainly, weed.
I know some of you out there do that in a daily basis and I do it from time to time - but only like 4 times a year. I think it's okay for people to do that as long as it isn't more often than once a week or whatever. As long as it doesn't control your daily routine and your brain cells are still okay.
Well, we had two one night stands. Like two years ago. We are good friends and it hasn't ruined anything.
But if it weren't for his constant money problems and the constant pot smoking, I would actually love to date him.

He has the most amazing body - especially his back! Oh my god his shoulders!!! Imagine Johnny Knoxville in his very good days. Hell, imagine Daniel Craig when he walked out of the water in Casino Royale!

He was really cute and I wanted to just cuddle a bit, lean on his shoulder. I was so very tired. And he was polite and helped me into my coat, brought me some hot peppers from the buffet, he just felt really close.
His best friend and flatmate apparently has a crush on me. Plus my brother was there. Otherwise I would've used him as a pretend boyfriend, if only to feel close to someone.

Come on. I barely remember sleeping with him, first time was I think 2 yrs ago, 2nd time like 1 1/2 yrs. I only remember him telling me that I could work out a bit more - and we are sill friends! It was never complicated. Never. A couple months ago he slept in my bed and we woke up and he had his arm around me for like 5 hours and we just talked and cuddled. About his ex who he still loves and wants back. But it felt quite nice, really.

Just lying there in bed, talking and occasionally ruining each others haircut just for a laugh or make sure they have enough blanket - or steal it.

That was so important to me - maybe because the relationship with the English wanker wasn't at all like this.

So I was tired and he was so cute and helpful and I just wanted to rest on his shoulder to relax but instead I had to smile and make sure they wouldn't notice.

How effed up is this?!?

Bloody hell I need a boyfriend!!!


At least I have the gym. Was there Friday, Sunday and today. Today was really spontaneous because I had no time but went to the gym at 7.45 and they close at 10 but I used every minute! Only had a like 3 minute shower - it was 9.55 when I stopped training - and allowed myself 2 veggie burgers and a small vanilla milkshake from McDonald's.

WHAT I was hungry and deserved it!! And I trained for two hours without a break!

Haha just scrolled up and saw that I started with "quick one".

Well I deserve some sleep now.

Still wondering what happened to all my followers :(
it makes me so sad, really.
It is way more fun and easier not to eat when my smartphone shows me some feedback from you guys every couple hours.
Especially when I'm at work!

Ok time for bed now gotta get up in 5 hours again.


- wanted to write "xxx" and autocorrect changed it to
Zzzz.


Ok good night!!! X!

HORSES.

Something interesting is going on with meat in Europe.

Horse. In everything. You cannot even have a normal kebap without having to wonder whether you're chewing on horse meat or not.

Saw a documentary this Wednesday where they showed how they transport horses to the butcher. What you have to consider though: it's not only horses. They treat all the animals like this.

One example:
Eggs. I love eggs.
But have you ever considered what happens to most baby cocks? Chicken - well keep them. They produce eggs, we can sell them.
But baby cocks - most of them end up in a box, they sort of "collect" them, when they're still alive, then next box on top to fill with more baby cocks - don't worry about the ones in the box under this one! - and they end up in a ... shredder if you want to call it that way - and you know those protein shakes and pulver and whatever that so many people use to build up their muscles?
Tadaa. Disgusting, 

I sat there, crying. I knew all of this before. I used to be a vegetarian for so  many years. Then I started eating meat again - bulimia, thank you very much.
I have not eaten meat since Wednesday - it's not like I said: "Oh, I'm watching a documentary where they show how they treat animals before they slaughter them, maybe I should stop eating meat for a while because I'm shedding a tear and it would be hypocritical to have my ham sandwich in the morning" - Nope. I'm not like that.

I just haven't eaten meat since then. When I was a veggie, it was mainly because I couldn't eat meat without seeing an animal staring at me - but those days are over and the only reason is the eating disorder so I know that I will end up eating meat again. But I rather enjoy being able to resist again and I hope it will last for a while.

********************

I spent a lot of money on housing lately - amazing how expensive everything is. And I really need a holiday, I should be saving money for this.

Australia - cannot afford to go there but I think it would be the best vacation spot for me.
Another idea are short trips.

Paris, London - cannot decide. I miss London, like hell! London is my home, I miss it, I want to go back!

Was in Paris once - for a weekend, on my own. It was rainy and I am pretty sure that Paris can be a wonderful and beautiful city - when it's sunny. I consider Paris very dependent on the weather.

Both places would be nice. I know where to find vintage shops and everything inspiring in LDN but Paris would be something new. But the weather ... hm.

********************

working out has been kind of fun lately. But so far it's not done one thing to my body. I still have an enormous ass and everything's wobbly. My gym has a huge wellness and spa area but I haven't really used it because most people there are confident enough to not even wear a towel - I cannot even change in front of other people.

Well. I'm off to the gym now, actually.

Sorry for my bad english today, I'm really tired :( And cannot concentrate.
God I have to move back to England. I'm actually "unlearning" all my English skills. Hate it.

No happy post

Guys - I miss my followers. This is frustrating. And not helping. Plus I keep gaining weight. Shoot.

Darn!

Just ran into my new colleague - in the shower at the gym.

No more gym for me.

nothing special

LOVE my new iPhone!

Thanks to the iPhone I am now able to watch the latest Gossip Girl episode - the one I missed last Monday because I was admiring  working for Greybeard.

it pains me to see how many followers I have lost over the last year ... guess i deserved it.

So I was at the gym yesterday - was fun, really. And necessary. This Thursday I weighed in at 140 lbs !!!

I have not been this heavy in a very long time!

Today, 3 days later, I weighed in at 136,0 lbs.

This is crazy and I hate it.
The guy who asked for my number last Monday texted me. He was cute but I have neither time nor energy for men.

Off to bed now. Got to get up in 6 hours to go to the gym before work.

XOXO

Greybeard Insomnia

Dear God. I really need a week off! 

I haven't been this tired in a very long time. The new job is so very exhausting and as you know I had to work Monday night - until 3.30 am. Was back home by 4 am and back in the office 4 hours later. 

It was a fun night though. Like the last time I worked for the guys who organise these parties, they basically let me do my job the way I wanted to do it. They trusted me and only checked from time to time: how are you, do you want me to get you a drink, are the bouncers looking after you the way they should be - they would allow me to change the prices, too (box office), without asking them.

I was surrounded by 5 bouncers, most of them were just funny, entertaining me all night long, impressed with my sense of humour and got me one energy drink after another. I had like 10 for free, really! 

One of the guests who looked absolutely stunning asked for my number, thank you. What, I need that from time to time. 

Bit weird though: just like the last time one of party planners really left an impression. He's like 10 years older than me, maybe 15, has bits of grey in his hair (and I'm in my early 20ies!) and his three-day beard but looks really good. He has that special something, an aura. Bit of a Clooney-thing going on there, no kidding. 

He is also the one who checked if I was okay every hour, the rest of the guys just from time to time when they passed by. Last time I worked for them I couldn't get him out of my head for the next 4 weeks - even though I don't really know him, I saw the way he talked to most of the girls who were on the guest list, the only contact we ever have is when I work for them and that's the best opportunity for me to watch him flirt with other girls. Let me rephrase that: with other women. Because they are women. Late 20ies, early 30ies, chic, BOOBS!, bit unfair, really. 

So annoying, I don't want to feel like that again. I am painfully aware that the main reason for my weird thoughts is that I am on my own, that there's no one in my life and I am lonely. 

Out of my head, Greybeard, now!

I had chips/french fries and steak half an hour ago because I haven't eaten all day, was too tired, fell asleep after work and when I woke up it was too late, shops aleady closed and all i had in the fridge was steak and chips. Sorry. 

But I started reading piggy's blog again and that's a huge motivation since she reminds me of my old life in England (and back then I was really good at losing weight) and she's doing so well herself!

Tomorrow I have to go to lunch with some people from work but will only eat some salad or sth like that, after that I will try to eat as less as possible + work out again. Had time today for that but please forgive me, I really needed some sleep after last night!

And now back to bed.

family issues

I live in my apartment on my own, not far away from my parents, my brother lives nearby. The rest of the family - well, they have their own lifes, far far away, and that's okay. We're not exactly close. 

But today, one of my uncles visited my mum. 

He's one of the guys who does everything just the way it should be done. And his wife also, I guess. Not too sure because she doesn't really exist. 

I mean - she's there, obviously. I can see her and she touched my hand when she said hello, so I felt her, too, and the cake in front of her disappeared, she must be real. 

Zombie. 

No offense - but for all I know she could be mute. 
Okay, I'm sure she's lovely but goddamn it - I have not once had a conversation with her and they've been married for like 20 years now! There's just no personality!

I was quite worried because I had not seen them in a while and with me giving up my old live, getting rid of everyone, new job and all that after years of drama, worrying my parents - well, I wanted to make a good impression. 

Punctuality is ... okay, you guys know in which country I was born, but my family really puts great stress on punctuality - and they started that family thing at like 8.30ish. 

On a sunday. 

I woke up early, took a shower, put on some makeup, did my hair, picked out an outfit that was very gossipgirlserena-ish (classy/cool) and was there one the spot. I was polite to everyone, ate two slices of bread in the morning, two slices of cake in the afternoon so no one would be offended, asked how they had been, distracted my mother the very minute they started talking about my brothers horrible past (she cannot bear to hear all those stories but no one seems to have ever noticed that maybe you shouldn't dig in the past everytime you're invited over!) - boy, was I nice. On my very best behaviour. 

And it was so frustrating. I went back home quite late and started eating way too much - because it was too late to go to the gym, the opening hours really suck on weekends! - so instead I ate. 

And then it hit me: 

I don't like them. They always find a way to judge, they are so intolerant, so rude, but in perfect disguise. Trying to impress them is one thing - but they could at least acknowledge that I have grown up, that I'm still there, still fighting, not giving up, I became someone and am actually a very nice person, a good person. 
And I stressed myself with being the perfect niece for them, ended up frustrated and binged. 

Not worth it. Since I actually turned out to be a pretty cool member of this family. Yep. 


Sorry, just had to say all that. :)


Back to work tomorrow and then I'll be helping out in a club during the night - remember I told you it's like Halloween over here? Everyone's gone crazy and it's in another city, too, so might be 3 am or later until I'm back home - and have to get up at 6 again for work. But I need to make some extra money since I have spent way too much on IKEA last week - not furniture but decoration. Little fortune. 

Ridiculous, really, but whenever something happens in my life, I have to make sure I feel as comfortable as possible back home. Not good for my wallet but my apartment loves it - it's so ... romantic and sweet and - guess Blair Waldorf-ish and a mix of Paris, English countryside and Louisiana-ish.  

Yep and in order to spend more money on my interior design, I need to earn myself some money. Tomorrow will be really hard, even harder considering that I gave up on cigarettes - have not smoked in 8 days now! Yay me! 

Nevertheless I'll try to eat as little as possible tomorrow (had enough toda!), only one real meal on Tuesday and then go to the gym (no time tomorrow). 

Hope it'll be alright. 

Okay now time for a couple posts, then off to bed. 
XOXO

Gym time

I finally got my new smartphone so now I can use the blogger app. Haven't found out how to see the blogs I'm reading or how to change colour and all that but I will find a way.

It's "fasching" in Germany - started today. It's a German tradition, everyone dresses up, some wear real costumes like Americans do on Halloween, but there are areas in which most people just wear a wig, fake fur costs, sunglasses, cover their face in shoe paint and later coloured powder, they all get drunk and of course the "garde" is there - lots of funny people playing in like an orchestra or sth. It is quite fun as long as it's real and not the shit they show on tv. I, however, will be working tomorrow. Which is why I would just love to kick their arses - live in the city and I hear them all partying. Not fair. Fasching won't be over until Wednesday but I need to get some rest over the weekend, not taking a break between the two jobs is killing me.

So I went to the gym again today and lasted an hour - until they closed. I only had time for a quick shower and 5 minutes outside at the lake.

I am member at a real classy gym where they have a wellness and beauty area, their own lake and part of a fake beach, everything. It's quite fancy. I normally never talk to people there but since last week I noticed that I'm getting better at it. I talked to women in the dressing room while getting changed!!! Never done that before! And when I walked outside, covered in nothing but a towel, to the lake, there was this guy, my age, and I talked to him as well! We were making fun about how tough we are, standing in the snow with nothing but a towel around our bodies and teasing each other because neither of us wanted to go for a swim.

Maybe my parents were right. Maybe I am changing, now that I no longer work for the tosser that was my team leader. Maybe I really am a lot more ... Relaxed.

But my body still looks horrible. I have ... orange skin.
Everything is wobbly and doesn't look nice. I look quite skinny when I'm dressed and luckily have skinny arms and my collarbone sticks out a bit but I have a tummy and my thighs are enormous - and wobbly.


Give me 5 months. I'll change that.

Just saw that one of my former colleagues emailed me :) yay. Nice to hear that people miss me.

Ok off to bed now have to get up in 4,5 hours again.

Kisses

And what are you up to right now?

Still at the gym. Join me.

runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun

My sports-obsessed family kept me from going to the gym today, how ironic is that?

I'll go for a run now, gym closes half an hour. Shame though because I am really quite bad at running - 15 minutes is a long time for me. Going to the gym and pushing myself there is a lot easier.

Maybe some exercise back home, too. Push ups and jumping jacks, whatever, as long as i keep moving.

Work is exhausting - I have been working 9 hours per day since I started - well, 8 hours + a one hour break (hate that but we have to take that break, if I keep working instead of taking the break they would still consider one hour my lunch time and I would lose hours) - and I am still exhausted - but my father says I haven't looked this healthy and "relaxed" for the last 4 years and he hopes I'm getting better.

He and my mother have been telling me for the last 2 years now that I'm nothing but a shadow of my former self and I guess they were right. Hopefully I'll find myself again.

Being back on blogger should help.

Oh and I'm so happy to have you back - cute, some of you haven't changed at all, still write like they used to, still obsessed with the same things, some have changed so much I don't even recognise them - not in a bad way, don't worry - and all of you have been through so much. Aw I missed you.

Uhm. Yeah. OK off now! RUN!!! now! Yap.

xoxo :)

Waste of time and energy - the ex.

Hello my lovelies - missed me?

I sure as hell missed you. Or being online for that matter. Even at work I had barely time to check my mails because I only used the computer for work - actual work. After finding out a couple things at work I deleted the blogger app from my smartphone - wasn't safe, really.

But here's the good news: 

I quit my job, no longer work for my horrible boss, no longer have that smartphone the company provided - and got myself a new one! Sweet Jesus, i will be connected to the world again!

All is good.

Got myself a new job - doesn't really mean much more money but a new boss and that's like getting a 1.000 € raise/month, believe me! Plus hopefully more free time - for the last year I worked from 7 am until 10 pm so very often, I am absolutely exhausted.

Another mistake last year was the "relationship" - lasted a  couple months but never saw him, english bloke but a real tosser. Barely saw him, never had time to come see me, always had to drive to his place (gas prizes are insane!) - after working 10 hours+, mind you, never listened, always sulking - and 10 years older than me! But such a child. He was a real waste of time and energy and when I really needed him because work was so frustrating, he wasn't there for me but talked behind my back because I never had time for him (cuz of work). Let me point out that I always drove to his place after work, ignoring the gas prizes or the time, just to see him, he never came to see me.
In the end we never even broke up officially. He started sulking again because for 3 days in a row I had no time to drive to his place after leaving work at 10 or 11ish (stocktaking) and because I was applying for jobs at the same time. Due to my lack of sleep it was already quite dangerous to drive back home - one of my friends drove me from time to time because he thought it was really dangerous, me getting behind the wheel after working so many hours and getting  no sleep. Stole a lot of his time but he said he wanted me to be safe. So I couldn't drive to another city every night to go see my "boyfriend" but suggested that he'd come visit me (he had never been to my place!!!). Can't, no money for the train. But when I found out that he spent every night at the local pub when he pretended to have no money for a 30 min train ride, I pointed out that this was a bit weird. Now according to him it's something else, borrowing money from the barkeeper/roomie for a pint or 5 and lots of shots, that is something else, less embarassing than borrowing 3 € from the same guy for a train ride. And that's when I stopped answering or apologising for anything. Last time I heard from him.

That was in autumn.
Since then I got myself a new job, unfortunately gained lots of weight (bad since I stopped going to the gym because of the ex, wanted to spend time with him instead), got rid of some friends I realised weren't good for me and now I'm trying to start over again.

I even went to the gym this Sunday!

Big mistake. Cannot walk. Everything hurts. I was determined to go today as well and I swear to god I would've - it's just I even had to leave my car in the jacket - jacket in the car, whoops - because I couldn't bend down to pick it up from the back seat - and it's freezing cold, it's WINTER!

Hopefully I'll be able to go tomorrow. I really want to get in shape again. Luckily I look quite skinny in clothes, especially my legs, but boy, you wouldn't want to see me in a bikini.

So. Here I am again. Time to catch up on your blogs. Might take a while, like I said, I am really exhausted from last year and had not one free day since ... oh shoot. July? Something like that. I only had 10 free days last year which is why my boss and I had a bit of an argument (of course they have to pay for the holidays I never took) and I only had a 10 hour break between my old and my new job. Crazy, huh? So I might read blogs for another hour but then off to bed.

Anyhow, it's good to be back!

xoxo