Monday, 21 November 2011


Stocktaking is FUN!

It also turns out to be a good workout. So after the first two days I had to help in the other warehouse and wanted to impress that guy from my office but we barely spoke to each other, there was no time.

I did talk to one of the guys who works in that warehouse, though. Oh my gosh, he's really lovely.
He gave me his oversized sweater and said I could keep it. When I said "really?" he said "Of course. I woulnd't give it to you if I wouldn't like you, don't you worry". That was really nice.

The first two days I had salad and ate only half of it - but the salad really wasn't good, my stomach kept grumbling so I ordered pizza the other two days. Sounds foolish, doesn't it? But it turned out to be the right thing, I didn't feel sick and ate only half of both pizzas. And the workout.

Warehouse-guy helped me whenever he saw me carry something heavy. Clever girl that I am I only picked the heavy boxes from every top shelf as soon as I realized I'd have him around as long as I went for them plus I'd get a lot of exercise.

Saturday night I went to a party (yep. After 11 hours at work.) and stayed there until 3 am because there was another guy who was really nice and good looking and quite a flirt. We didn't even touch but there was a connection and I had to prove myself that I was ready to move on (you know ... after the affair ...) - yep, I talked to him for a couple hours, made myself feel a lot better and went home at 3 am (without a phone number, though). 4 hours later I got up again and went back to another 12 hours at the warehouse (to admire warehouse-guy).

Tomorrow morning I'll go to the gym again (okay, I spent 11 hours at work - again! and I'll have to get up in 5 hours again but who gives a shit).
Hopefully skinny treadmill-girl will be there. The inspiration.
I'd love to post a photo, you guys would LOVE her!!!

I don't really know how to handle those silly stories about the guys. Warehouse guy, that one especially. Because I'll see him from time to time, I'm really attracted to him, I won't see him often enough and I'm not allowed to date him because I don't want to date someone at the same company.

Hm. Tricky.
What would Jane do ...

Friday, 18 November 2011

Inspiration on a treadmill

It's annual stocktaking-time.

I've been counting for 10 hours today - it was fun. I liked it. Okay ... I'll admit: The guy I had to count with was the young guy who goes for a smoke with me every now and then. The guy I skipped lunch for only to smoke a cigarette with him once?. I enjoyed his company, it was fun. He's tall and looks a bit like Alexander Skarsgard (Eric, Tru Blood) - not that good of course but the same type.

Tomorrow I won't be in that warehouse (the one under my office) but in another warehouse. Have to be there at 7:30 - Shoot, that's in 11 housrs!
Okay. Thing is: however much I enjoyed that guys company, the other guy will be there tomorrow.

The one I had the argument with, the day before I fainted. Remember? He's about 30 years old but looks a bit younger. He's got a lot to say in our team and I really want to impress him. But somehow we don't really get along. He doesn't know how to talk to me, he said so. And so we're avoiding each other. That wouldn't be a problem - after all there are so many other people who can help me out and I really don't have to talk him.

Now imagine that: I actually like this guy. I really do. Not only that Iwant to impress him, whatever the cost, no, I "like" him as in I want him to think of me in a good way. I want him to like me, too.
I wouldn't fall for him, don't you worry, that's out of question. But today when he came in our office for ten minutes - well, I felt better. He didn't talk to me (after all there was nothing to talk about) but I couln't help myself. I kept looking at him. For the first time I saw him in a hoodie. Normally he's the shirt and v-neck sort of guy, very british, very stylish. Not today.
It felt good to see that he's wearing normal stuff, too. That he has clothes who don't belong to the office.
Ever noticed how you cannot imagine some colleagues in other clothes but their business clothes? I'm rambling, I know. But it really was a nice experience.

Whatever happens tomorrow, I want to improve our relationship, I want thim to notice I'm a nice person.

Monday and Tuesday we had a cigarette together (yes, I timed it a bit, I saw him leaving the office and went after him. Only because I wanted to talk to him in a normal way, to create a relaxed situation after our huge fight). And woooh we actually talked for a couple minutes. So that was good.

During the stocktaking our company pays for our lunch. So we order pizza every day for the next day - Yesterday and today I had salad.

Our team consists of about 20 people and I was the only one to eat salad! But my stomach went crazy so tomorrow I'll have pizza. It's a very small one so I guess it's okay.

Yesterday I went to the gym before work and it was so inspiring! There was this girl on the treadmill and she was skinny, as skinny as Nicole Richie in her skinniest days. But she kept running. For 2 hours. It was amazing to watch!

I don't have time to go to the gym today, tomorrow and Sunday but will do next week because it really felt good to work out again.

You should do that, too.

Lots of love

Saturday, 5 November 2011

fast and faint. fail.

Today was quite a good day - I fainted in public ´.
Not that good, yes. But the reason for fainting:

Yesterday I had a huge argument at work and around 4 or 5 pm I couldn't hold back the tears. Luckily not many people were there (Friday afternoon ...) but my team witnessed my breakdown. It was because there's this guy who has a lot to say and I respect him and want him to notice that I am trying really hard to do my best. He doesn't and most of the time it seems like he's annoyed that I'm even there because I'm the only one who did not study what she's doing (yep, I am in another department and it's not at all what I studied).

He is not very sensitive and started snapping at me. And all of a sudden I started crying. He kept ranting and things got worse.
In the end I stayed until 8 or 9 pm, on my own, and tried to prepare things for Monday. I will go and apology for being too weak or whatever and from Monday on I will never be weak in front of him again. Never.

Eventually he will have to start taking me seriously.

Until this drama began everything was okay. Remember how I told you about those two guys at work in my last post?
The younger guy and I had a couple cigarettes together - first one when the other guys had lunch. Yes, I skipped lunch to have a cigarette with someone. And it worked! I didn't even realise what I was doing.
He also made me laugh when the drama started. First time I noticed I'd start crying I went downstairs, told him to come with me for a smoke and tadaa. I was able to smile for another 5 minutes. But then he went home and I was alone with my team, started crying, went back to work for another couple hours and drove back home. I went to bad, again a friday night on my own. And forgot - totally forgot! to eat.

This morning I woke up early due to a grumbling stomach. Felt great. It reminded me of my time in England when I was doing really good and lost 10 kilos in 22 days.

So to avoid eating I decided to go into town. And eventually fainted in a shop whilst talking to a saleswoman. It was really embarassing. Even more embarassing was when the woman asked me if there was anyone she could call to pick me up and I had to say no - not because it wasn't necessary but because there is no one who'd come pick me up. I guess those old friends would've thought: what. you woke up again. what could I possibly do for you now?

Something like that.
I went home and had some spaghetti and salad - quite a plate full, to be honest, but I really had to eat something.
This morning I weighed 128 lbs.
Not 125 but I'm getting there.

The good thing is: I finally know that I am still able to fast. Okay, I spend the next day in a shop lying on the floor, looking like a complete idiot, but hey ... whatever it takes, right?

So I'll try to fast at least twice next week. I'll just have to spend a bit more time with the smoker.

Hm. :( My surf stick's not working again.
But now I'll finally read your blogs - and Lucy's. I feel really bad for not leaving a comment :(


Wednesday, 2 November 2011

men. question mark?

Nothing about food or being fat today.
Ok the question, yes, but nothing else.

Luce, thank you ... I'll leave a comment tomorrow okay?

Here goes:
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?

No. I don't. I can't, I lack the discipline.

Okay. Here's what I wanted to write about.

I really miss the guy. He treated me really badly but I liked him. Plus the sex was good. And I never have sex with anyone, I'm sort of frigid to be honest. For some reasons I really don't let men touch me. Snogging is okay, really, no problem with that, but anything else? Yeah, so I finally was able to sleep with someone. I've had enough chances before but he was the first one I let.
Yeah. I miss him.

I am quite lonely. I never really had a relationship. my longest relationship went 2 months. I am almost 23 years old now. you can always blame me for not letting anyone near me - well not quickly enough. But the real problem is this: no one's trying to be near me. To get to know me.

It's like ... i am just not interesting enough.

But I feel really lonely. One of the things I liked so much about the affair was sleeping at his place. He'd listen to weird documentations on the radio to fall asleep. It worked for him, not for me. I'd listen to that stuff because it was interesting. I guess he was already used to it so it didn't bother him. He sweated a lot during the night for a while. He had nightmares and once his chest was really wet, I was surprised that he never woke up. Sometimes I only slept for about 3 hours. but every day I woke up early, got dressed and went to work - 2 hours earlier than I normally do. I felt amazing, not tired at all. Now that it's over I cannot sleep. And I cannot wake up, It takes me ages to get up in the morning.
I miss his smell, too.

It's been a month now. I've not seen him since then and I stopped crying (every day that is).
But I'm beginning to realise that I need someone near me.

I find myself daydreaming. Often when I wake up I lie there and think about what it'd be like to have someone lying next to me.
How silly is that? Because it happens every morning. And then I start crying again until my pillow can't soak in any more tears. Pathetic.

Distracting myself is the only option I have but work and food are not good enough for that. So I try to flirt. Well actually I don't but I guess I am. There's one guy at work constantly teasing me, he's like 10 to 13 years older than I am, not pretty, not my type but really witty, clever and a good laugh and sometimes we talk on the phone for 10 minutes, just chit-chatting. And then I wonder: am I flirting? And why? Because he's too old, not my type and I am not interested at all.

Another guy at work is someone I barely see because he's in another team. Sometimes we go for a smoke together. Well at least that guy's younger and you could even say he's not so bad looking. He has really beautiful blond hair, I like that, + he's tall. He, like the other guy, teases me a lot. And the difference to said other guy is that I'm not flirting, not at all, I couldn't even if I wanted to. Whenever I think someone's worthy of my attention (ok let's just say whenever I find someone even one tiny bit interesting) I get really shy. Because I say so stupid things so very often and don't want to look like an idiot in front of someone I look up to - it's better to just keep my mouth shut, right? So I'll call him, ask if he's had a smoke in the last couple hours, if he hasn't we'll go out for 5 minutes and I'll ... listen.
He's a cute guy and has a great sense of humour, he is also quite self-confident but not too full of himself. And he's quite an entertainer if he wants to be buuuut he doesn't have to be like that. I would love to have a boyfriend like him.

Why is no one interested in me?
Why does no one love me?

Why are the only guys looking after me the guys from work with grey hair who really are way too old, who have daughters 2 years older than I am?
Why does every fat bitch have a boyfriend?

Why do mean bitches have relationships with really sweet guy who will do anything for her?

Why do they all move in together?
To show me that everyone else is able to be in a relationship?
Everyone but me?


Sorry that was quite a ... random rant and out of nowhere, I know that. I don't know why but I had to post it. Because ... I'm sort of angry. Yeah, I really am, my hands are shaking I'm so angry.

Jesus. What the fuck's wrong with me???