Thursday, 29 December 2011

Houston, we have a problem.

The salmon is gone.

Plus I had cream cheese today.
It wasn't even intended, after lunch I came back to my office, felt bad about eating (and not going to the gym this morning because I overslept ...) and decided to check my mails and comments when I read Sammy ranting about my disgusting salmon and onion dinner I had yesterday and the day before and how much better her cream cheese is. Fun.

The rest of the day was boring. Not much to do at work, nothing to be a bit more exact. I was occupied for ONE hour! ONE! out of 8 I have to be there. Normally I end up having at least 2 days per week working up to 10 hours! And today was so boring. I wanted to leave, go to the gym, but couldn't because I had to wait for one email. One. An important one. It never came. Fuckers.

I got so bored that I decided to get a new haircut. So at 4 pm sharp I drove home and went to the hairdressers and that bitch really fucked my hair up. I have a side fringe now but it is way too short. My hair is also layered which could make a good look - but not like that! I lost so much hair!

Skarsky, guy from work, once made a compliment. He never does that, normaly he's the one to tell me my makeup's not perfect, my hair is a mess, there's dirt on my jeans and I'm overdressed.
Until one day I had my hair in a messy bun like a ballerina but a bit messy. When we met for lunch I opened my hair and he said: "Aaaand the bun's gone. Man, what are you always doing to your hair."
I got really angry and wanted to shout at him until he looked and me and said: "I was just saying ... I really liked the bun. It suits you."

I should've known. The way he'd said it was like an insult but of course the only way for him to compliment me is to point out that the opposite is a really bad thing. You know what I mean? He cannot compliment me, he has to hide it.

Now my hair is too short. For my curls as well and my vintage hairstyles. What am I going to do now?

Frustrated I decided to go shopping. Don't do that after getting a bad haircut - at least not with a butt my size. It won't cheer you up, it'll tear you down.
It took me 5 minutes after getting my own clothes back on to leave the dressing room.
Fuck jeans. Fuck levis.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I keep running to the gym, start purging again? I'm still fat and ugly. And of course I grabbed a pizza and chocolate and ate it and sat on the couch the entire night.

I really hate my body, my hair, my entire look right now. All that time I sat in the chair and this beautiful bitch cut my hair I felt ashamed, I felt like someone who doesn't belong because the face looked bad, too, bloated, not the best skin and now a hideous haircut to complete the drama.

My flat is messy, too. Shit. I have no time or energy to tidy up.

I miss Skarsky. Another 2 weeks without him and I probably won't see him until then. And when I do his first thought will be "What have you done to your hair, girl?"
But I want to have him around, despite his teasing me, despite his hurtfull comments, despite the fact that he will always talk about cars and exes, despite the fact that he's so grumpy sometimes and his mood swings are really something you could live without.


This is so Apollo 13.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Uhm. Yeah.

Reward hidden in trousers ...

Now I am a 22 year old single reincarnation of Bridget Jones. How come I have not thought of this earlier?!

Almost two hours at the gym yesterday and in a rush I had to make myself look pretty for the guy we would meet at the bowling center. So no time for wellness, for sauna and relaxing, nothing. There was no time for curling my hair (I'm really obsessed these days with Vintage hair, bit of a curly pin up style) and because I'd been at the gym and had to use the weird hair dryer they have. As a result I had very shiny hair and not a bit curly, it was really sleek. But I looked and felt good after the workout.

Bowling itself was fun, I enjoyed it mainly because I had to keep moving, losing more calories. I also realised that I had not eaten one thing the entire day. Yes, some veggies and a pudding, that was the plan - but I DID NOT EAT IT!

Being near that guy again was fun but again there's no chance that he'll contact me.
I was really happy though because Skarsky, the guy from work, sent me a text, nothing special but it made my day. Silly.

So today I decided to meet a friend (used to be a close friend but I never see her these days) at the gym. We worked out for 1,5 hours and then took some time and went to the sauna.

I still am amazed that I have never thought of this before.

Ladies, there are some really fit guys out there. One of them I've been watching before, he was running in front of me, really fast and had such a nice arse. Sorry, but there really aren't many possibilities to avoid that view, I was on a treadmill right behind.
Later it turned out that I knew the guy, as soon as he turned around I hated myself for looking like a pig when I'm sweating. He looked gorgous.

Well, there are these guys and now, spending so much time in the wellness area, it finally hit me.

Get a good workout first.
And then go get your reward.

I LOVE men with a good body. Arse and legs aren't that important but the torso and back and neck ... oh boy.

Well, I plan on going to the gym again tomorrow.

The thing is:
I came home and binged on a pizza and two slices of bread with salmon and onion.
Afterwards I felt really guilty. Now that I'm going to the gym again it feels even worse, eating. So I did something I have not done in a long time: I purged. Fingers down my throat and i got rid of almost everything.

Okay so I had a pizza ... or not. But I did, sort of, right? So I have to go back to the gym tomorrow.

I'm tired but will read 3 or 4 posts, go to bed, SLEEEEEEEEP.

Lots of love!

Sunday, 25 December 2011

what keeps me going.

Sammy and Fat Piggy will get me through tomorrow.

I spent this day trying to get my apartment clean and tidy but somehow could'nt finish it. There was too much food I found in the kitchen - most of it is gone now and I did not get rid of it by using the bin. Finally I came to my senses and started reading your blogs - after all I had a lot of catching up to do. Had there only been more time ...

but time went by way too quickly and I had to go some friends' house. We played cards ... and had some salad. Potatoes. Salad is not always the best choise, believe me. Especially not when mixed with french fries. Potatoe salad and fries, what a silly combination!

An hour ago I finally found my way home (it is 4 am now) and, knowing how much I ate this night, I decided to read Judith's blog.
Bloody hell, Judith, I love your blog but it really took some time to read all those posts. Okay, my own fault, I should've fixed my computer sooner and stay up to date all that time. Her blog is not exactly a thinspiration to me, I feel to much when I read her blog, but it always has this effect on me like ... well, an eye-opener or something like that. I cannot quite explain but I am really focused after every post. focused on what exactly one god knows but focused nevertheless.

The good thing is:
You might remember that during stocktaking I had to go to this birthday party and met a really goodlooking bloke (imagine this dream guy, charisma that only men like Clooney, Jude Law, Johnny Depp have. Someone every girl wants to have). We got along really well, there was chemistry, but I didn't ask for his number and neither did he. It was a "well ... we both know we're interested but probably will never see each other again. Goodbye then - but be sure that I will always remember you and think of you with a smile".

The friends asked if I wanted to go bowling tomorrow, huge crowd, about 12 to 15 people will be there - including that guy. I really doubt that anything interesting will happen but here's the plan:

I will get up early (notice how late I post every time and mention that I'll be up again in 5 hours? Maybe I should change something) and go to the gym for about 3 hours. 1,5 hours workout, 1,5 hours wellness.
Afterwards I will get some stuff ready for work, do my paperwork, TIDY UP THE REST OF MY APARTMENT (and if I don't, please please please shoot me!!) and read Sammys and Piggys blogs. I really look forward to reading those blogs.
Especially Sammy is someone who keeps me going. This blog is somehow ... important to me, don't ask me why.

Yep and that'll get me through the day, I'll allow myself a pudding and maybe a very very small portion of cooked vegetables (peas and carrots) but no more.

Don't really have the time to eat, too, after all I have to find a perfect outfit for the evening. Skinny Jeans and maybe a Christmasy pullover (red white and blue with reindeers on it, bit fluffy) and a headband maybe? Curls! CURLS!!! That'll take some time. And of course my 50's eyeliner.

Yep, the guy will regret not having my phone number. Haha. Oh I'm only abusing him for not finding time to binge.

Another thought: People keep calling me Scherbatsky. It started a couple months ago when I had to dye my hair brown (because of work, I had Rihanna extreme red hair until then) and i was at a club when a guy next to me looked up and said nothing but "Scherbatsky". He looked stunned, I was stunned and said "Uhm. Right" and walked away. Since then it's been happening again and again. I'm still wondering if it's a compliment or not.

Christmas eve on a treadmill

YES! I spent Christmas eve at the gym. No family, no huge dinner.

Okay, I had spaghetti but it was not a binge and I am very glad for it.

Going to the gym is always a huge motivation - there are so many girls my age that keep running for 1,5 hours - really fast, too. I love staring at them because they look so skinny.

And after showering, when I change, I like standing there in my underwear or jeans and bra because all of a sudden, when they take off their sports outfit, all of a sudden I'm the one who looks good. I really don't know why but it makes me happy.

So they motivate me first and after that I feel better because I look better in a bra and jeans. Funny, isn't it.

Hope you had a good Christmas. Don't eat too much.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

how to go out for lunch and lose weight.

Do you know the miserable rich? They have this amazing video for their song „Let me fade“ – starring two squirrels. I love squirrels. Russell Brand once compared American and English squirrels in his first autobiography “My Booky Wook” and said that the English ones are so much more beautiful and I think he’s right. I’m glad they didn’t pick grey squirrels for the video.

My computers not doing so well – again. Sometimes I’m glad that computers are not kids, I’d probably get an award for being the worst computer mum ever. Cannot look after this baby, there’s always something wrong with it.

Last time I found time to blog was during stocktaking.

Oh and I wrote one I couldn’t put online but posted it a couple minutes ago – so my last post was written in November, remember that when you’re reading please.

I barely see warehousewowguy these days but luckily the flirting ended – maybe because he once said I should send him a text if I wanted to hang out that Friday night and I didn’t. Smart girl that I am I decided to enjoy the compliments and ignore the man. Feel good when he says something nice but that’s all. Healthy attitude.

Not so healthy is my attitude when it comes to Skarsky, the other guy from our building. He can be a right arse, believe me, and I have absolutely no reason to like him. After all I never get the feeling that he likes me or sees me as a “friend”-colleague. Which is why our relationship towards each other is a bit weird:

We always go for a smoke together, it seems like there’s no one else we could go with. He’ll call, I’ll say “Yep”, and I’ll spend another 5 minutes with him. All of a sudden he started asking me if I’d come to lunch with him and the guys from his team – and after a couple days it wasn’t asking, it was “We’ll leave in 5 minutes, meet you downstairs”.

I said “not so healthy” … see what I mean? Yes, I had Chinese 5 times in 2 weeks. Greasy Chinese food. The good thing is – and I suggest you learn from me! – is that I finally discovered salt and pepper. And Chili. Whatever there is on the plate, eat sloooowly and as soon as you feel full - or, if you don’t, then just do it as soon as you’ve eaten half of the portion – spice it up! Make your food unbearable!

Skarsky and the other guys don’t even ask no more, which is good.

After two weeks of getting into this routine I even survived the 3 course dinner at our Christmas party, I only had about 5 bites in total. Good, isn’t it? I lost weight that night.

I’ve got a week off now and that is not good at all. All of a sudden I started eating again and have not felt worse in ages.

Starting tomorrow I will start dieting again.

Skarsky has 3 weeks off and I probably won’t be seeing him until then (although he suggested I’d come round but we’ll wait and see) – until then I want to be skinnier. When he comes back to work in 3 weeks I want him and his team to look at me and actually say “You’ve lost weight, haven’t you?”

Maybe it is a good thing that I only had lunch with that team because he asked me to and now that he’s not there I probably won’t be eating lunch for 3 weeks. As soon as he’s back he’ll ask again, I’ll say yes (and damn, I’ll be wearing my skinniest jeans and a really skinny top!), order the smallest portion, have two bites, pour some soy on it and then they’ll look at me and see that I’ve lost weight.

I finally know what to do with my flat. It’ll cost me a lot and I don’t have the money but next year I’ll redecorate my apartment. Vintage has always been my thing and I decided to put a lot of beige, white and pink in it. It will be a bit romantic – not kitsch but cosy and a bit girly and there will be lots of things from the 20s-50s.

Oh I need more money, I finally found vintage stores nearby and want to check them out but dare not to without any money in my bank account.

Shoot. 4 am and have a dentist appointment in 5 hours. Good night!

november post.

This post was written in November! Had no time to put it online but you can read it now :)

Oh Luce. I was at work when I read your comment and it made me laugh so much that my day was saved. Dunno why. But your attitude when it comes to dating at work was so optimistic ...

Please forgive me for disappointing you. I overslept this morning and had no time for the gym. Considering that I've been on my feet, working 9 to 11 hours every day since last Monday now, I guess this failure was ... okay. Not good, but okay.

What is not okay though is the pizza I just shoved down my throat. I've been doing really good during the last week, no food in front of the tv in the late afternoon, a lot of exercise - and still I have not lost any weight. The "it must be muscle weight you're gaining" doesn't count. There are no muscles, believe me. I still have a very long way to go.

You should try something:
Eat only one thing during the day - preferably for lunch since it really fills you up for a couple hours, you won't be hungry in the evening and you can enjoy feeling empty in the morning.
Next step: eat only half of what's on your plate. However big or small the portion is, throw half of it in the bin!!! GET RID OF IT!
And then run for 10 minutes every night. Or do something else. But move.

And now let go of all these stupid rules, eat your half sized portion for lunch, at nighttime fail and have a pizza.

Guess what will happen?
Of course. Next day you will be a right struggle. You'll eat more than you should because it is so easy to fall back into the old pattern.

So tomorrow I will have to prove to myself and to you that last week was not for nothing. I will not disappoint you.

I'm thinking about going for a quick run (after X-Factor :D) but I still haven't really slept, had no weekend and I am physically exhausted. 100 % exhausted.


Remember how I said I don't see him that often because - well obviously the warehouse is not round the corner. From time to time he walks in because there's a delivery but it doesn't happen regularly and there are many other people at the warehouse to do that job.

He did send me a couple unneccessary mails today though and I gave him a call to find out if he was having a laugh (of course he was ...) and during this very cute and weird conversation (now that inventory's over and we're all still working we're all nuts. Absolutely weird. Today three of us giggled for ten minutes, staring at the desktop, not even talking to each other but giggling even though there was no joke. Now imagine how odd the phone call must've been) - uhm. where was I ? Ah. Yep, during that call he mentioned that he'd come by the office tomorrow.

I have nothing to wear!!!
Why am I even thinking about that??! Jesus.

Today at work was a bit weird but I had a couple cigarettes with the younger guy who works in the same buidling, oh for fucks sake, let's give him a name. Hm. Uhm. Okay let's call him Skarsky because I once said he's the norhtern type like Alexander Skarsgard. kay. So Skarsky is very cynical and very often makes fun of me and is quite insulting at the same time. He would never comfort me, he's too much of a "bloke". I'm trying to look pretty and he stares at me and makes fun of my lipstick. That sort of guy. The kind of guy you have in every second soap opera, kind of an ass but you like him anyway.
He was very relaxed today and in a happy mood which I liked, for the first time ever he even walked with me the longer way back to the office because I had to pick up the mail (normally he goes back to the office without me even though it only costs half a minute to come with me).
I enjoyed that.

The third guy from work, the one I want to impress, let's call him ... shit, dunno. Already running out of names. Suggest something? Haha. Anyway, he's still not really talking to me, which is kind of sad.

Okay, X-factor is almost over, I'll go get my running shoes.

Hey guys. This is important to me - I really have no idea how to behave tomorrow at work when warehouseguy comes by.

Please advise me? I can read your mails at work so please, as soon as you have a tip for me, let me know!!!

The entire warehouseguy thing is really weird for me and to be fairly honest - and I think you've been waiting for me to admit this for a couple posts now - I think spending so much time with Skarsky is quite a danger zone as well.

Oh shoot. Well.
I'll then go for a run.

Love you.