Monday, 18 March 2013

I'm thinking about leaving bloggers again.

I started blogging a couple years ago and it really helped me through all this - mainly because of all the support, it was like being with a family, everyone was there to support each other. Sticky, Luce, Ancora, Matilda, Melon, who's gone missing - and now?

Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy that some of you guys are still there, reading my comments - even "new" followers like Sam (okay, you're not so new but one of the newest compared to the other ones ...)

it's just:

it feels weird. 2 years ago I had more followers and they left so many comments and that really helped me.

Please please please don't get me wrong, this is a vicious circle, really!

I have not been this lonely in a very very long time, I live for work and have no social life at all, people judge me every day and then posting stuff and realising that so many followers have stopped reading my blog, that depresses me. Even though it's wrong, it feels like ... like some sort of proof that I don't deserve a social life.


And mia is back, it's well known that I spend every day at the gym but I still gained 11 lbs and my mother recently even said to me: "You've been eating a lot recently, haven't you?" And then she said "Sorry, but I can see it". After that I stepped on the scales and found out that she was right.

Everything's just great.

The new job is not what I had hoped for. And to make everything even worse the women at work don't like me and talked to the boss who now has the impression that I don't want to learn anything, feel superior and don't want them to teach me anything new.
Me, of all people. I'm the last person to leave the building 4 days a week because I'm trying to learn as much as possible, I ask so many questions every day and I'm really trying to be polite - hell, i'm not trying, I feel like I'm brown-nosing every fucking day until 7 pm and then it's either the gym or a huge binge or the gym and after that the fucking binge and I'm exhausted and I have no idea what to do anymore and I don't even want to be here anymore!!!!

this sucks!!!!!!

and i dont even fucking deserve this!!
I never talk bad about people, I dont talk behind their back, i dont judge, i try to learn as much as possible, i gave up on my friends for work, i go to the gym 4 times a week, and everyone judges me and i'm not happy!!!!

ive not been happy in a long time.

i hate this.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Prescription: spend time under a tree!

First post in March ... god, time flies!!!

Not many news, I ate a lot, spent lots of time at the gym, at the doctors and with my mum.

She's really trying to help me to get back to normal. I mentioned it before - the last couple years were really rough, I went through a lot and had not one break in like 5 or 6 years. I never realised how much it affected me and was really concentrated on working - it "helped". I enjoy working, I love it.

Many people tried to tell me that I was fooling myself and needed some time off but I couldn't accept this.
Looking back I realise now that I was pretending to agree, just to shut them up, the next time I knew that they were right, a day later they were completely wrong - since work kept my mind from all the other problems, right, and I liked working. It was a vicious circle.

Turns out that my mother was right when she said I lost myself.

Now she's really trying to show me how to live again.

As a child I spent every minute in nature, I was always moving, running, I was one of the kids you couldn't slow down, who would always be in the wood, trying to build a tree house. I also remember the neighbour kids being really jealous because I was so tanned. I never looked like someone from the north, rather like someone from the south, Spain or something - but with really really white-blonde hair. Quite beautiful actually.

For the last 5 years people kept telling me how pale I am - and they are right. My skin is so white, they could easily make me Edward Cullens skin double just to save on the white make up.

And with all that my skin got really bad. Doctor said something about me not spending time outdoors - really outdoors, not in the middle of the city - has done so much damage to my health that it will take ages to fix it because my body needs fresh air. and movement. and not at the gym. Blah. I could go into detail but my English isn't good enough to explain what the doctor really said. It had something to do with my blood cells and oxygen saturation and hell I couldn't even explain all that in my own language!

God I have NO TIME for all that!!!
I have to spend time at the gym - it makes me really happy, working out, plus I eat way too much, so have to do something for my body.

The new job means I have to focus on that. I have to spend 9 hours at work each day, after that the day's over!

There is not enough time! Not even for the blog and that's killing me, too.

But I'll try to spend at least 1.5 hours 3 times a week outside, in the woods or fields or something.

Sounds so silly, though!!

Have skin problems and feel tired all the time, Doctor, please help me. - Yeah right, here's your prescription: spend as much time outside of the city as possible. 


That's all for now ... I'm still reading your blogs and will post comments again as soon as I have more time on my hands, I swear!! :)
(or at least to sam and luce. I'm actually quite pissed because I've spent so much time on other blogs, leaving comments and asking questions and they never actually answered - bit demotivating, really, supporting others and never a reaction ... I enjoy reading blogs and blogging on my own but without Luce and Sam blogging wouldn't make sense at all anymore.)

Gosh I'm really grumpy, now that I had to write all that down (t'is a really touchy subject to me).

Gym closes in 5 hours so have to go.

Miss B