Monday, 18 March 2013

I'm thinking about leaving bloggers again.

I started blogging a couple years ago and it really helped me through all this - mainly because of all the support, it was like being with a family, everyone was there to support each other. Sticky, Luce, Ancora, Matilda, Melon, who's gone missing - and now?

Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy that some of you guys are still there, reading my comments - even "new" followers like Sam (okay, you're not so new but one of the newest compared to the other ones ...)

it's just:

it feels weird. 2 years ago I had more followers and they left so many comments and that really helped me.

Please please please don't get me wrong, this is a vicious circle, really!

I have not been this lonely in a very very long time, I live for work and have no social life at all, people judge me every day and then posting stuff and realising that so many followers have stopped reading my blog, that depresses me. Even though it's wrong, it feels like ... like some sort of proof that I don't deserve a social life.


And mia is back, it's well known that I spend every day at the gym but I still gained 11 lbs and my mother recently even said to me: "You've been eating a lot recently, haven't you?" And then she said "Sorry, but I can see it". After that I stepped on the scales and found out that she was right.

Everything's just great.

The new job is not what I had hoped for. And to make everything even worse the women at work don't like me and talked to the boss who now has the impression that I don't want to learn anything, feel superior and don't want them to teach me anything new.
Me, of all people. I'm the last person to leave the building 4 days a week because I'm trying to learn as much as possible, I ask so many questions every day and I'm really trying to be polite - hell, i'm not trying, I feel like I'm brown-nosing every fucking day until 7 pm and then it's either the gym or a huge binge or the gym and after that the fucking binge and I'm exhausted and I have no idea what to do anymore and I don't even want to be here anymore!!!!

this sucks!!!!!!

and i dont even fucking deserve this!!
I never talk bad about people, I dont talk behind their back, i dont judge, i try to learn as much as possible, i gave up on my friends for work, i go to the gym 4 times a week, and everyone judges me and i'm not happy!!!!

ive not been happy in a long time.

i hate this.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Prescription: spend time under a tree!

First post in March ... god, time flies!!!

Not many news, I ate a lot, spent lots of time at the gym, at the doctors and with my mum.

She's really trying to help me to get back to normal. I mentioned it before - the last couple years were really rough, I went through a lot and had not one break in like 5 or 6 years. I never realised how much it affected me and was really concentrated on working - it "helped". I enjoy working, I love it.

Many people tried to tell me that I was fooling myself and needed some time off but I couldn't accept this.
Looking back I realise now that I was pretending to agree, just to shut them up, the next time I knew that they were right, a day later they were completely wrong - since work kept my mind from all the other problems, right, and I liked working. It was a vicious circle.

Turns out that my mother was right when she said I lost myself.

Now she's really trying to show me how to live again.

As a child I spent every minute in nature, I was always moving, running, I was one of the kids you couldn't slow down, who would always be in the wood, trying to build a tree house. I also remember the neighbour kids being really jealous because I was so tanned. I never looked like someone from the north, rather like someone from the south, Spain or something - but with really really white-blonde hair. Quite beautiful actually.

For the last 5 years people kept telling me how pale I am - and they are right. My skin is so white, they could easily make me Edward Cullens skin double just to save on the white make up.

And with all that my skin got really bad. Doctor said something about me not spending time outdoors - really outdoors, not in the middle of the city - has done so much damage to my health that it will take ages to fix it because my body needs fresh air. and movement. and not at the gym. Blah. I could go into detail but my English isn't good enough to explain what the doctor really said. It had something to do with my blood cells and oxygen saturation and hell I couldn't even explain all that in my own language!

God I have NO TIME for all that!!!
I have to spend time at the gym - it makes me really happy, working out, plus I eat way too much, so have to do something for my body.

The new job means I have to focus on that. I have to spend 9 hours at work each day, after that the day's over!

There is not enough time! Not even for the blog and that's killing me, too.

But I'll try to spend at least 1.5 hours 3 times a week outside, in the woods or fields or something.

Sounds so silly, though!!

Have skin problems and feel tired all the time, Doctor, please help me. - Yeah right, here's your prescription: spend as much time outside of the city as possible. 


That's all for now ... I'm still reading your blogs and will post comments again as soon as I have more time on my hands, I swear!! :)
(or at least to sam and luce. I'm actually quite pissed because I've spent so much time on other blogs, leaving comments and asking questions and they never actually answered - bit demotivating, really, supporting others and never a reaction ... I enjoy reading blogs and blogging on my own but without Luce and Sam blogging wouldn't make sense at all anymore.)

Gosh I'm really grumpy, now that I had to write all that down (t'is a really touchy subject to me).

Gym closes in 5 hours so have to go.

Miss B

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Imagine Johnny.

Quick one - I am exhausted!!

So I just realised that I actually have not eaten meat for a weak now.
I am definitely not one of those hippos, pretending to care about the horse but swallowing a chicken without thinking.
To me it's all the same. I used to be a veggie so whatever meat I see, I am very well aware that it is nothing but a dead animal.
Don't get me wrong - I never judged. Luckily, considering the fact that I started eating meat again when the bulimia kicked in. I even believe that some bodies actually do need some meat to work properly.

I just feel like I have to defend myself - for going veggie again.
I cannot resist the sushi and eggs though. Not yet or not any more.

So I went out with a couple friends for some sushi and one of the guys is a very lovely character but not a role model. Drugs, mainly, weed.
I know some of you out there do that in a daily basis and I do it from time to time - but only like 4 times a year. I think it's okay for people to do that as long as it isn't more often than once a week or whatever. As long as it doesn't control your daily routine and your brain cells are still okay.
Well, we had two one night stands. Like two years ago. We are good friends and it hasn't ruined anything.
But if it weren't for his constant money problems and the constant pot smoking, I would actually love to date him.

He has the most amazing body - especially his back! Oh my god his shoulders!!! Imagine Johnny Knoxville in his very good days. Hell, imagine Daniel Craig when he walked out of the water in Casino Royale!

He was really cute and I wanted to just cuddle a bit, lean on his shoulder. I was so very tired. And he was polite and helped me into my coat, brought me some hot peppers from the buffet, he just felt really close.
His best friend and flatmate apparently has a crush on me. Plus my brother was there. Otherwise I would've used him as a pretend boyfriend, if only to feel close to someone.

Come on. I barely remember sleeping with him, first time was I think 2 yrs ago, 2nd time like 1 1/2 yrs. I only remember him telling me that I could work out a bit more - and we are sill friends! It was never complicated. Never. A couple months ago he slept in my bed and we woke up and he had his arm around me for like 5 hours and we just talked and cuddled. About his ex who he still loves and wants back. But it felt quite nice, really.

Just lying there in bed, talking and occasionally ruining each others haircut just for a laugh or make sure they have enough blanket - or steal it.

That was so important to me - maybe because the relationship with the English wanker wasn't at all like this.

So I was tired and he was so cute and helpful and I just wanted to rest on his shoulder to relax but instead I had to smile and make sure they wouldn't notice.

How effed up is this?!?

Bloody hell I need a boyfriend!!!

At least I have the gym. Was there Friday, Sunday and today. Today was really spontaneous because I had no time but went to the gym at 7.45 and they close at 10 but I used every minute! Only had a like 3 minute shower - it was 9.55 when I stopped training - and allowed myself 2 veggie burgers and a small vanilla milkshake from McDonald's.

WHAT I was hungry and deserved it!! And I trained for two hours without a break!

Haha just scrolled up and saw that I started with "quick one".

Well I deserve some sleep now.

Still wondering what happened to all my followers :(
it makes me so sad, really.
It is way more fun and easier not to eat when my smartphone shows me some feedback from you guys every couple hours.
Especially when I'm at work!

Ok time for bed now gotta get up in 5 hours again.

- wanted to write "xxx" and autocorrect changed it to

Ok good night!!! X!

Sunday, 24 February 2013


Something interesting is going on with meat in Europe.

Horse. In everything. You cannot even have a normal kebap without having to wonder whether you're chewing on horse meat or not.

Saw a documentary this Wednesday where they showed how they transport horses to the butcher. What you have to consider though: it's not only horses. They treat all the animals like this.

One example:
Eggs. I love eggs.
But have you ever considered what happens to most baby cocks? Chicken - well keep them. They produce eggs, we can sell them.
But baby cocks - most of them end up in a box, they sort of "collect" them, when they're still alive, then next box on top to fill with more baby cocks - don't worry about the ones in the box under this one! - and they end up in a ... shredder if you want to call it that way - and you know those protein shakes and pulver and whatever that so many people use to build up their muscles?
Tadaa. Disgusting, 

I sat there, crying. I knew all of this before. I used to be a vegetarian for so  many years. Then I started eating meat again - bulimia, thank you very much.
I have not eaten meat since Wednesday - it's not like I said: "Oh, I'm watching a documentary where they show how they treat animals before they slaughter them, maybe I should stop eating meat for a while because I'm shedding a tear and it would be hypocritical to have my ham sandwich in the morning" - Nope. I'm not like that.

I just haven't eaten meat since then. When I was a veggie, it was mainly because I couldn't eat meat without seeing an animal staring at me - but those days are over and the only reason is the eating disorder so I know that I will end up eating meat again. But I rather enjoy being able to resist again and I hope it will last for a while.


I spent a lot of money on housing lately - amazing how expensive everything is. And I really need a holiday, I should be saving money for this.

Australia - cannot afford to go there but I think it would be the best vacation spot for me.
Another idea are short trips.

Paris, London - cannot decide. I miss London, like hell! London is my home, I miss it, I want to go back!

Was in Paris once - for a weekend, on my own. It was rainy and I am pretty sure that Paris can be a wonderful and beautiful city - when it's sunny. I consider Paris very dependent on the weather.

Both places would be nice. I know where to find vintage shops and everything inspiring in LDN but Paris would be something new. But the weather ... hm.


working out has been kind of fun lately. But so far it's not done one thing to my body. I still have an enormous ass and everything's wobbly. My gym has a huge wellness and spa area but I haven't really used it because most people there are confident enough to not even wear a towel - I cannot even change in front of other people.

Well. I'm off to the gym now, actually.

Sorry for my bad english today, I'm really tired :( And cannot concentrate.
God I have to move back to England. I'm actually "unlearning" all my English skills. Hate it.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

No happy post

Guys - I miss my followers. This is frustrating. And not helping. Plus I keep gaining weight. Shoot.

Monday, 18 February 2013


Just ran into my new colleague - in the shower at the gym.

No more gym for me.

Sunday, 17 February 2013

nothing special

LOVE my new iPhone!

Thanks to the iPhone I am now able to watch the latest Gossip Girl episode - the one I missed last Monday because I was admiring  working for Greybeard.

it pains me to see how many followers I have lost over the last year ... guess i deserved it.

So I was at the gym yesterday - was fun, really. And necessary. This Thursday I weighed in at 140 lbs !!!

I have not been this heavy in a very long time!

Today, 3 days later, I weighed in at 136,0 lbs.

This is crazy and I hate it.
The guy who asked for my number last Monday texted me. He was cute but I have neither time nor energy for men.

Off to bed now. Got to get up in 6 hours to go to the gym before work.