Sunday, 26 February 2012

Details about the night with the Australian :)

So here's what happened the other night.
I went to the pub - without S who had other plans. But 2 guys from the pub asked me to come and I thought why not. Yeah of course I wanted to see the Australian again.

First hour was horrible. Sometimes I am very insecure about my english skills. Plus being around Scots and Irish men and Australians all the time - I don't understand them! I understand english people, yep. But the rest?
There is a difference between understanding and speaking english as well.

So I got drunk enough to talk to them. It was fun. And all of a sudden the lights are out, the Australian and I are on our own, getting it on. I remember him saying "You came back for me didn't you" and me denying it. I also remember - very vaguely - that before we started that shit again he mentioned seeing someone, sort of, and I think he was trying to give me a signal to not fall for him or sth like that. Whatever.
Thing is:
I saw him a couple times last week and everytime I was sober I barely spoke to him but as soon as we were proper wasted we made out.
Bit obvious this is not the start of a relationship isn't it ...

Too many blackouts to tell you what exactly happened but when we left it was broad daylight and I ended up at his place and we had sex.
I wanted to leave but he told me to stay - it wasn't exactly like "I want to be near you, please stay" - not very emotional. I also don't remember kissing him when we had sex.

is that something you guys do?
When you have sex, do you kiss?
I haven't had so much sex in my life but I cannot recall kissing people ... weird. Is that normal?

Anyhow so I stayed but had no opportunity to get some sleep. Mind wandering and all that shit.
For example about my body. Apparently he doesn't have those problems, he wouldn't even get under the sheets when he fell asleep and I had a couple hours to examine his body. But was too drunk to actually have a look. Shoot.

I felt really skinny that morning (haha okay I lost 6,6 lbs over night, remember?) so I think it was okay to get my clothes off.

I remember him saying, all of a sudden: you're sexy.
And I was like ... no. I'm not. (I don't think I am, really).
And he looked at me and said: "Yes. You are." Then he chuckled and there was sth in his eyes, disbelief, something like that. And he said: "Everyone at the pub thinks you're sexy".

Thank you. I don't want to be the sexy one.
I want to be the girl they want to get to know.

Now because I'm the sexy one I'm the ONS of the bartender who's seeing someone else.

I don't mind him seeing someone else but you know what's really bothering me? The fact that one thought will not even cross his mind: Maybe I'm seeing the wrong girl.

This may sound really bad and vain but wouldn't it be nice if I actually made an impression on him?

Don't get me wrong I think he's really attractive and funny but I don't need him to fall in love with me.
But it'd be nice, you know?

So I spent a coulpe hours in bed with him and it was interesting. He's 10 years older and all of a sudden I saw that his skin actually looks a bit older. As well as his tattoos. I saw some wrinkles and that he spent a lot of time in the sun. But it looked okay.
8 hours after we'd left the pub I took my clothes back on and kissed him goodbye, he woke up and I gotta say - that is the only kiss we ever had that I actually remember!

Seriously. I had some time to sober up (hangover kicking in already) and I only kissed him because it felt weird to just leave and then he kissed me back and it was a really soft kiss. I think the best way to describe it is the kind of kiss that 2 people share who just fell back in love with each other or maybe just learned to appreciate each other, the way you kiss someone when you have to leave and you don't really want to go but you know you have to. And it's okay but you put a bit more emotion in the kiss.

Bet he thought, thanks to the alcohol and the fact that my kiss woke him up and he didn't even open his eyes, that i was the other girl. haha.

Of course I went to see S straight away and told her everything about it, then had 2 hours sleep and then she woke me up - to go back to the pub. I'd promised her to come with her Saturday night. Knew the Australian had his day off and that was perfect - I finally had the chance to show them I wasn't only there for him. And even though the hangover nearly killed me we stayed all night and ended up having drinks with the other bartender til 6 am. Okay, not me. I didn't drink. But I enjoyed myself.

Gotta admit I had a kebap on our way home but I had not eaten Saturday and after 2 Guiness and only 2 hours sleep plus a massive hangover - i had to eat something.
129 this morning.

And tonight I had a bowl of spaghetti - sorry. Which means I'll have to starve tomorrow.
I also had coffee with L, the foe-friend. Because that was before the spaghetti bowl and I felt skinny and I thought let's get it over with. God she's full of herself.

So what was the motivation for the 3 weeks challenge?
See L and fuck the bartender?
It's only day 3 and I already did both ...

Ah fuck it, why not do it again in 3 weeks.

Leave some comments, guys!

Xo Xo

Saturday, 25 February 2012

just had sex with the australian

who's got a girlfriend, apparently. thanks for telling me.
And I lost 4,6 lbs over night! ah, no, even more! 6!

Todays stats:

Start weight: 134,5
Current weight: 128 lbs

WTF I lost 6,6 lbs over night!
Current BMI: 19.6


Got to get some sleep have not slept since yesterday, not one minute. Was way too busy shagging my brains out.

Sam, stats?

Xo Xo

Friday, 24 February 2012

Day 1

Ok so far it's only me and Sam.

Start weight: 150,5 lbs
Start BMI: 25.9
Goal weight: 146 lbs

Miss Burton:
Start weight: 134,6 lbs
Start BMI: 20.6
Goal weight: 124 lbs

Good luck my love! :)

Xo Xo

Thursday, 23 February 2012

It has to get better! 3 weeks competition.

How can you gain so much weight? Why 134 lbs? I have barely eaten those last couple days!

134 lbs, what a horrible number is that? All those between 130 and 135 they keep chasing me, they've been chasin me over the last 4 years and I have to get thinner!

The perfect weight is at least 20 lbs less! Have a look at the right, ladies.

That's the difference between

135 and
113 lbs.

A fucking gap.

You want a gap? Don't even tolerate 115.

Everything with a 12x is better than 13x but even then most of us girls have flabby thighs, they TOUCH!

Now compare this to the photo above:

128 is almost as fat as 135, it's exactly the weight we fool ourselves with. We think it's better because there's a 2 and the 9 isn't there, we're 2 numbers away from the big fat 130 but OUR BODY DOESNT KNOW THAT!

Now 118 is way better but even that is nothing compared to below 115.

We have to start getting better.

I punished myself with lots of food today. Because I felt horrible after not eating or barely eating and gaining so much weigh anyhow, you know the feeling. Why not eat, I'll be fat anyhow.

thing is: This morning I weighed 134 but I looked a lot better than yesterday when I was lighter.
Don't let the scales fool you.

Be careful what you eat!

I decided to really try and get back to my hardcore anorexia 5 years ago.

Back then I lost 10 kilos in 3 weeks and I never gained the weight back! Never!

That's 22 lbs!!!


I was a maniac back then.

When I moved I started eating a lot and gained those 22 lbs within 4 to 5 months. My weight didn't change for 2 months and suddenly I realised I had only 22 days left until I would go on a plane, go back home for two weeks and visit my old friends and family and past. And they all knew I had gained a lot of weight.

So I stopped eating - no I did not fast, I wasn't strong enough but I had like 12 almonds one day or one apple the next, I ran up the stairs and down and up again when I had to go upstairs to go to the bathroom for example. I started running every night.

First I had to walk round the block because I had no energy. I took the time to smoke a cigarette, the one to keep my hunger away (wasn't a regular smoker back then it worked).

But then I started running. 5 minutes, 3 days later 10 minutes, By the end of those 3 weeks I ran for half an hour.

And that's how I lost the weight. I counted every calorie, wrote it all down, as well as every move my body made to lose a quarter of a pound.

I want to be that obsessed again.

Sort of have to as well.

I have this "friend" L - who I've not seen for months now, she's the one who is my worst enemy. Backstabbing and I sort of stopped talking to her when I had the affair with the guy in summer she was friends with and was talking bad about me and made everything worse. I didn't argue, I just stopped calling because I needed my time.

My opinion of her is not too good.
Thing is, she knows about my ed but thinks it's okay now I guess but she always tries to trick me into eating. Not cuz she's worried, lord, what an idea. She's always competing with me. She has to be prettier, smarter, cooler, have more friends.
Be skinnier.

So I've not seen her for 3 months now and she's on holiday or sth like that I heard but wants to go for a coffee in 3 weeks when she gets back.

I simply have to get thinner until then.

And thinner means under 125 lbs. There is no excuse, she is really skinny.

Of course I can find some more motivation.

The Australian is a barman, he looks ok and is sth. else in Germany, yep, total cliché, falling for an Australian barman. So why would he be bothered bout the drunk girl with the funny german-british accent he once snogged?

Well, I want him to at least notice my perfect body.

Okay I feel lonely and I need a boyfriend.
And ... yes, most guys who look great have those doll-girlfriends or they have ugly girls and you have to admit there's something about them.

Plus the guy from work I stayed with 2 days ago?

I didn't kiss him and only hugged him but there was so much tension for the moment that it keeps haunting me.

And then the Australian's rejection? Not a good combination.

I'm actually a bit worried about not being able to stick to my don't shag the company plan.
Why not flirt with him?

Hell, he made me feel good about my body, he was absolutely amazed how nice my stomach felt.
I want to hear that more often.

so get in shape and then in bed.
why not.

Okay, so L will be here in like 3 weeks.
Let's start a 3 weeks challenge.

3 weeks as in 5 years ago when I lost 22 lbs.

Starting tomorrow,
ending next Friday. 16th March, right?

Current weight
Goal weight.

I'll post one post every afternoon that with everyone's stats and keep everyone up to date. :)

Please join me!

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Masterplan for the Australian situation

So I went back to the pub Monday night with S and we met this huge guy who's interested in me but not at all eye candy.
He was very blunt about wanting to date me and the Australian who worked behind the bar again apparently had a lot of fun watching the fiasko. To make the situation even worse he started flirting with me as well - only with huge guy around though. I gave him too much money and got a bill back in the shape of a heart. Why?
I have not spent it yet, it's somewhere in my purse. That heart is worth a lot even though I know he was only fooling around.
We didn't talk much, huge guy left after a while, S was talking to some guy and I knew the decoration of the pub by heart after a while - I kept staring at the shelves and had no one to talk to.

Yesterday I had nothing to eat - I simply forgot about it and had no time to think about it as well.
After work one of the guys from work sent me a text and asked me to come celebrate carneval with them, there were huge parties all over the country last night, every club was crowded - too crowded. After a while we went to the pub.
He was polite but ignored me most of the time. So I ignored him as well. I know it's a bit weird and ... well stalking if you want to call it that way but we would've gone to the pub anyway. And I wasn't looking after him, I ended up listening to an Irish band that played with 2 guys from work.

Thing is I had some beer and ended up in my colleagues bed because drunk driving is a bad idea on carnival. Police everywhere. Plus I don't do that anyway :) good girl. don't drink and drive.

He hugged me all night and it felt really nice. He kissed me twice as well but I didn't react. You know that feeling when you don't want to do it, never planned on it and know better but then there's the chemistry, that "for now"-feeling and you cannot resist?
I can never resist.
But I didn't kiss him.
I let him hug me and enjoyed having him around. Maybe it was because of feeling really lonely every night and finally having male company, maybe it was the Australians rejection ... most likely a combination of them.

Well I really hope that nothing's going to change at work.
No but what I wanted to tell you is:
He said he really loves my stomach.

Why does every man say that?
Apparently I have the softest skin on my stomach. Funny.

But I had to eat today because I felt really dizzy and weak and had only 4 hours of sleep (we were wide awake most of the time, cuddling) and went to work very early and stayed there for 10+ hours and had not eaten but too much cider the other night. So tomorrow I'm not going to step on the scales.

I'm on a good way though, forgetting to eat ...

Guys i cannot stop thinking about the Australian and really have no plan.
Any ideas?

Xo Xo

Monday, 20 February 2012

oh the nerves ...

Lovely Sarah is back! Nice!

My stomach hurt so much today, I really had trouble at work.
And I was in the best mood at the same time, could not stop smiling and grinning, my boss was a bit shocked to see me so happy.
Went for lunch with Skarsky and an American (I'm really running out of chances to speak my own language) and had nothing, only a bit of mice to calm Skarsky down. But my stomach kept hurting.
So my boss sent me home.
I went to my mother's and had some salad, bit of cheese and some bread, NOT MUCH, really.

And now i'm home, still feel horrible but have to pick up S in an hour - we want to go back to the pub.
I'm so shit scared. I really don't know what to say, I already feel like a 13 year old stalker with hearts in her eyes. Shouldn't have snogged the barkeeper.
But I liked that pub.
Hope it'll be crowded, I don't really want to talk to him because I can't get wasted and my english is horrible when I'm sober and because of my accent people expect me to speak proper english, grammar, vocabular but all I can do is this high pitched squealing english ...

Oh I am so so so nervous.


Plus I gained 3 lbs after those couple spaghetti yesterday! So unfair!

God ... got to get ready ... need a new face and new body before i see him again. new identity and new mother tongue as well.

fucking hell I really fucking hate being german! I'd happily weigh 5 lbs more, even 10 if I were british.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Apparently I do.

Last night was boring, we had one beer in an empty pub and left before midnight ...
of course NOT!

Now let me tell you everything ... I can remember.

My friend S and I went to the pub at 8 pm - my brother and his flatmate were with us but left early because it was "too boring" - they should've waited more than 5 minutes for something to happen.

The pub was really cute, tiny, CROWDED!

Like an irish pub should be.
We met so many people - men, mostly, there were only 3 other women actually, really. but about 100 men. And men they were, not boys. Real men. Oh god.

And everyone from ireland or australia! Finally I had a chance to speak english again!
I really hate the German language and prefer speaking english but with whom? So S had to speak English as well but she did really good.

We really knocked ourselves out, even though we'd said we wanted to leave by midnight to make it to the gym in the morning, 9 am.
Please don't hate me for not going to the gym but there was no way I could've done it.
it wasn't possible. Not after so many KilkennyGinger and Bulmers and Jägermeister. And Whiskey. I don't drink Whiskey. Or so I thought. Apparently I do.

The moment we came in and ordered our first bulmers we noticed the barkeepers. One of them long black hair and a real beard, the other one red hair, bit younger. Looked nice. And irish. He's not, he's from Australia ( found out a second ago, S just told me. Hello?! I'm really good with placing accents. Now you know how drunk I must've been)
but we didn't even argue about him because he didn't seem to be interested in flirting with the only two good looking girls in the bar, not at all.
And apart from the body fat we really looked good.

Well, there were other men, one of them already gave me a call but he's not my type, too tall, too ... sorry, really really sorry, but he's got a bit of a belly I think and I can't have that. Yes, I am that superficial.

So we had all this beer and the whiskey and it was 5 am (hello gym in 4 hours. we still thought we'd make it) and everyone left the pub and apparently - now I have to tell you this the way S told me because I don't remember everything.
Apparently I turned round, went back and wanted to say goodbye to the barkeepers.

All the men were outside, with S. Waiting.
For 45 minutes.

Somewhen during those 45 minutes I discovered that I was kissing quite a hot bartender.
Who started it? Him? Me? I'd kill to find out. Please, I don't want to be this girl that came back in and attacked a bartender. There must've been some talking ... Ah. or not, no wonder I couldn't place his accent.
Damn, he really looked so irish.

Ok so after a while S came back in. The other barkeeper apparently locked the door behind her, thats what the other guy told me on the phone. He sounded a bit hurt and said something like "was a clear signal" and "probably played guitar" (S told me the barkeeper actually started playing the guitar) and "yeah I guess he'll be working tomorrow" when I mentioned that S wanted to go to the pub again. He was jealous. Poor guy.

So he locked the door in front of those guys and that's when we started drinking again. S had to talk to the other guy because ... well, Australian and I were sort of unable to talk.

After a couple hours i guess S told me to get my stuff and get going. We made our way to the train and BAAAAMM all of a sudden there's the Australian in front of us, on a bike. He scared the shit out of me. Now I don't remember it but S told me that we had no time to talk, train was already there, but kissed again and then we left.
He wanted to make sure we're okay. God. Dear god. I must've looked really ... fugly, wasted, tired.

And I slept all day, tried to eat some spaghetti (ordered spaghetti. Read Sams spaghetti-post and wanted to order spaghetti) and some salad. I had way too much but not even half of it. So ... yeah, okay I guess.

127,89 lbs it was this morning i think.

I still have a massive headache.

Well, we decided to go to the pub tomorrow after work. To be honest, i'm nervous, I think the guy was nice ... And I was so out of conrol and cannot remember anything.
Glad I have S, now i know his name, age (32 makes him 10 yrs older then me, more experienced and still not too old, perfect age), that he's from Autralia and not Ireland and ... yeah. That's about it.

I'll try to eat some more, maybe I'll feel better than. And go to sleep. God, this night really killed me.
Love you :)

Saturday, 18 February 2012

lunch time makes me proud.

Finally, after 8 weeks of failing, it finally hit me.

I had to stop eating - so I did. But here's the thing:
I did go out for lunch with Skarsky on Thursday and Friday, he ate, I watched him eat, it was fun. He really wanted me to eat something as well, even though he normally hates sharing and hates it when I steal something from his plate, he got me a fork. But I said I wasn't hungry (Thursday).
That night I went to his place and we watched a movie - and he ordered pizza - a big one.
I was unable to count how many times he held a piece of pizza in my face and tried to tempt me but I stayed strong.
The next day I went to another shop to get some Red Bull and when I came back to the restaurant he was already eating - and two older guys from work were there as well. They asked if I wanted to eat something and I said I'd already eaten at work. Skarsky said nothing, this time he really didn't try to tempt me like the day before and I was glad for that.
I actually have to be a bit more careful because when we watched the movie there was this really awesome actress and my reaction was ... Wooohooow.
He looked at me as if I were mad and I said: "What, she looks awesome". The girl was really skinny as well.
And his reaction: "You're either bisexual or ... you don't have a problem with bulimia or anorexia do you."
It wasn't a question, it was: Ok, weird reaction, either obsessed with skinnyness or girls.

Both, babe.
I changed the subject as if it wasn't even worth a reaction but now I really have to be a lot more careful.

Btw, his ex is trying to hit on him again, he told me. Have to make sure I'm not acting like a jealous friend.

So I didn't eat for 48 hours and this night I had to eat some tomato soup with rice, had 260 kcal.
Today I had an italian bagel (405 kcal).
That's okay for now ...

But not eating felt better.
How are you guys doing?
I'll catch up on your blogs tomorrow, got to go now and get ready, we're going to this irish pub and I'm really really hoping to meet some cute guys there - maybe, hopefully there really are guys from the island. I miss british people!!