Wednesday, 2 November 2011

men. question mark?

Nothing about food or being fat today.
Ok the question, yes, but nothing else.

Luce, thank you ... I'll leave a comment tomorrow okay?

Here goes:
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?

No. I don't. I can't, I lack the discipline.

Okay. Here's what I wanted to write about.

I really miss the guy. He treated me really badly but I liked him. Plus the sex was good. And I never have sex with anyone, I'm sort of frigid to be honest. For some reasons I really don't let men touch me. Snogging is okay, really, no problem with that, but anything else? Yeah, so I finally was able to sleep with someone. I've had enough chances before but he was the first one I let.
Yeah. I miss him.

I am quite lonely. I never really had a relationship. my longest relationship went 2 months. I am almost 23 years old now. you can always blame me for not letting anyone near me - well not quickly enough. But the real problem is this: no one's trying to be near me. To get to know me.

It's like ... i am just not interesting enough.

But I feel really lonely. One of the things I liked so much about the affair was sleeping at his place. He'd listen to weird documentations on the radio to fall asleep. It worked for him, not for me. I'd listen to that stuff because it was interesting. I guess he was already used to it so it didn't bother him. He sweated a lot during the night for a while. He had nightmares and once his chest was really wet, I was surprised that he never woke up. Sometimes I only slept for about 3 hours. but every day I woke up early, got dressed and went to work - 2 hours earlier than I normally do. I felt amazing, not tired at all. Now that it's over I cannot sleep. And I cannot wake up, It takes me ages to get up in the morning.
I miss his smell, too.

It's been a month now. I've not seen him since then and I stopped crying (every day that is).
But I'm beginning to realise that I need someone near me.

I find myself daydreaming. Often when I wake up I lie there and think about what it'd be like to have someone lying next to me.
How silly is that? Because it happens every morning. And then I start crying again until my pillow can't soak in any more tears. Pathetic.

Distracting myself is the only option I have but work and food are not good enough for that. So I try to flirt. Well actually I don't but I guess I am. There's one guy at work constantly teasing me, he's like 10 to 13 years older than I am, not pretty, not my type but really witty, clever and a good laugh and sometimes we talk on the phone for 10 minutes, just chit-chatting. And then I wonder: am I flirting? And why? Because he's too old, not my type and I am not interested at all.

Another guy at work is someone I barely see because he's in another team. Sometimes we go for a smoke together. Well at least that guy's younger and you could even say he's not so bad looking. He has really beautiful blond hair, I like that, + he's tall. He, like the other guy, teases me a lot. And the difference to said other guy is that I'm not flirting, not at all, I couldn't even if I wanted to. Whenever I think someone's worthy of my attention (ok let's just say whenever I find someone even one tiny bit interesting) I get really shy. Because I say so stupid things so very often and don't want to look like an idiot in front of someone I look up to - it's better to just keep my mouth shut, right? So I'll call him, ask if he's had a smoke in the last couple hours, if he hasn't we'll go out for 5 minutes and I'll ... listen.
He's a cute guy and has a great sense of humour, he is also quite self-confident but not too full of himself. And he's quite an entertainer if he wants to be buuuut he doesn't have to be like that. I would love to have a boyfriend like him.

Why is no one interested in me?
Why does no one love me?

Why are the only guys looking after me the guys from work with grey hair who really are way too old, who have daughters 2 years older than I am?
Why does every fat bitch have a boyfriend?

Why do mean bitches have relationships with really sweet guy who will do anything for her?

Why do they all move in together?
To show me that everyone else is able to be in a relationship?
Everyone but me?


Sorry that was quite a ... random rant and out of nowhere, I know that. I don't know why but I had to post it. Because ... I'm sort of angry. Yeah, I really am, my hands are shaking I'm so angry.

Jesus. What the fuck's wrong with me???

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweetie!
    Please don't mistake your desire to be in a relationship for desire to be with that bad-ass.
    you just want somebody to love and who loves you back, and it's simply human, most people want that.

    and it's not like most people have that!

    I really think you need to meet new people, maybe through your brother and his roomie?

    I'm sending you lots of love Das