The devil wears prada. And in this case the devil has the figure of Beth Ditto.

Please stop blogging for a couple weeks you guys??? Please?
It really is not easy, catching up on you. I read a couple posts but have to go to bed now - I just fell asleep over someone's blog, not a nice thing! I'll try to continue tomorrow.

No, I've not been to the gym. I have no time!
Remember I had the flu - I still have, actually. But I'm at work, everyday. Up to 11 hours sometimes because - well, employment probation is nearly over and a lot is going on, my boss is testing me, he's like Miranda Priestly in the devil wears Prada.

No shit, he really is. There are those faux-projects I have to work on until I finally find out that it is completely unnecessary because we don't sell sth, we don't need sth or there's a new contract with someone. He'll let me work my way through the papers for 6 hours, six!!! until I realise - on my own - that it's been a test.
believe me, guys, I'm really tired.

I keep eating, I have no time to go to the gym and I fell asleep in Skarskys car on our way to lunch at 1 pm on a 3 minutes drive. Pathetic.

I also feel like letting you guys down because I barely leave comments - ok, not my fault, it takes up to an hour to catch up on every single blog (not Sams though, a lot more time required when it comes to you), I have no time to post nice pictures, I am RAMBLING and I have not published a post in so many days ...

It'll be better in a month, when probation's over, okay?
I'll be back 100 per cent then.

hellooohooo.

Hello again.
Beautiful, being able to post.

Well, Skarsky came back to work. The first day he accidentally "hugged" me - sort of. It was a nice gesture but after two or three days I was annoyed again. Told you he's a bit loud sometimes and has this silly "I don't care about anything and want the whole world to know that" attitude? It really is frustrating sometimes.
One evening I went to his place and it was sort of nice but of course I was a bit scared. There's no denying it, something's been in the air for quite a while - not even chemistry but something dangerous is going on. So I was scared to be alone with him. Luckily he mentioned a couple times that he would never get involved with a co-worker. Never.
I'm safe. Good.

The guy I met during stocktaking who wanted my number? Well, the both of us had to sleep on the couples sofa a week ago and I was drunk enough to finally let him kiss me - I think we made out for about 4 hours. It was sort of fun but the next morning it was over - for me.

Really, he's a nice guy but I knew something was missing. And 2 days ago I saw him again at the couples house, big party. He really is not the right guy for me. Too loud. Too annoying. He always has something to say. You know those guys who - let's say there's a fly on the wall, right? And they HAVE TO tell the world: Hey, look, there's a fly on the wall. Ha. haha. Hahahaha.

You know what I mean? There's nothing they don't have to say something about, something to comment on, and always the laugh.
I find it really irritating.

You have to stay focused, you cannot be abscent for a minute, it really feels like a fulltime job, being with those people because they keep talking.

Then again he made me feel guilty for being such a vamp last weekend when I was drunk and now ignoring him and obviously being really pissed because of his presence.

It was not a good situation, believe me.

The food thing is a bit better these days. I skipped lunch twice and the other days I finally picked up my old routine of pouring all the salt I can find on half of my plate. Skarsky really is a big help.

I find it interesting how certain people don't do anything but you get this routine when it comes to eating as soon as they are with you.

Yesterday I weighed 129 lbs. not good.
I have not been to the gym since my cold. I will go tomorrow, swear to god.

Not today though, have to tidy up and then dress up because we're going to the cinema - couple and i.

Oh btw. i'm trying to dye my hair back to red. But not the Rhianna-red I used to have, no.
Because I dyed it brownish it will take a while but in the end I want red hair, but it has to look a bit more natural.

Next week I'll catch up on you guys okay?

Love

A WONDER!

It really took 28 minutes to load this page! To be able to post something.

I TIMED IT!

Jesus FUCKing Christ!
Because I had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to post - but no internet connection! I spent last week in bed - basically since my last post, apart from Thursday when I tried to go to work - they sent me back home within 4 minutes - and Saturday night when I decided to fuck all this and went ice skating with the couple. Turned out to be a good thing because I finally started sweating like hell and that's a good thing, right?

Since Monday I'm back in the office but still coughing and feeling dizzy - but I want to work. Hell, I cannot even bear one week outside the office, I go mad as soon as they say "Take a week off, B. You deserve a week off, get some rest". What for? It's boring back home, I'M SINGLE, there's no one to entertain me!

So I wanted to post but had no connection at all. It's a bit better now, hey, 28 minutes to open a website. Great.
And because I lost touch with you guys and I could not go to the gym - I ate.

I binged, to be more precise.
Every day for one week. Pizza AND Pasta AND half a cake EVERY day - can you imagine how bloated i am? How bloated I feel?

How bloated I LOOK?

It got even worse this Sunday because finally, finally Skarsky called and asked if I had time, if I was up to do something.

I WAS! I wanted to finally see him in the real world, not our offices!
And I could not because I looked horrible, I smelled horrible and the stuff I kept coughing out was even more horrible. I was the flu monster or something like that.

Only good news is:

I think maybe I can even go back to the gym tomorrow. It's not good today, I'm still a little weak, but tomorrow I'll try.
And I think in two days I can get the new code for my internet which means it'll be a lot faster and I'm back again. :)
Good, right?

Plus Skarsky will be back at work next Monday - finally! And I'll probably start going out for lunch withe the guys again - good because that means I'll be more aware of my eating, get back in my "pour all the salt you can find on half of the portion" routine and eat only one meal the entire day. See, that's why I missed him so much.

And now lets pray that it'll publish this post ...

And don't you do anything when he kisses you.

Well then - happy new year. May 2012 bring lots of energy so we can go to the gym, lots of willpower so we can say no to too many calories and someone to tattoo guys we cannot trust a mark on the forehead so we are safe.

What were you up to? Friends and family and lots of champagne?



I went to the befriended couple and apart from me and the girlfriend there were only men. It was fun. No bitching, no silly laughs, nothing, but fun. The guy I met on the party during stocktaking, who went bowling with us last week, he was there, too.

He kissed me and I didn't do anything. Nothing, I let him kiss me but didn't kiss him back and please do not ask me why but he was soooooooooo scared when he pulled back and had this look on his face, like someone who wants to cry out "Please, god, give me a sign, what is going on?".

It was funny, really.

Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy - but I don't really want to get involved.
The day I met him a friend and I were talking about how men have to act to achieve their goals, relationships or ONS. I basically gave him the perfect manual instruction for me.
I know his friends had this conversation in which they basically decided that I wasn't the right one, they rather wouldn't see me fooling around with him. Okay, his decision but ... dunno.
I met him three times and all of a sudden he kisses me. From day one there was a chemistry that everybody noticed but he never asked me out.
Why now?

Of course I'm careful. Last guy I got involved with managed to kick me out of my group of friends. Okay, I decided to go but it was due to him. He also managed to make me feel really horrible, my self esteem was ... hello down there? How's the middle of the world? warm? Feeling comfy? That low.

I cannot do this.
But like him. So I let him kiss me and that way everyone got what they wanted and hip hip hurray.

AND DONT THEY HAVE TO FIGHT TO DESERVE YOU FIRST?

just a thought that hit me on my way home. Really, I know I'm sending mixed signals and of course he has no idea what I'm thinking but come on, guys really have to prove they're worth it.


Oh, they had hamburger but I didn't. Good eh? But had spaghetti today, sorry. It was really necessary to soak up all that booze in my belly ... God I got so wasted last night.



I weighed 131,2 lbs this morning.
Let the new countdown begin.







It took Skarsky 18 hours to reply to my happy new year text.

Houston, we have a problem.

The salmon is gone.

Plus I had cream cheese today.
It wasn't even intended, after lunch I came back to my office, felt bad about eating (and not going to the gym this morning because I overslept ...) and decided to check my mails and comments when I read Sammy ranting about my disgusting salmon and onion dinner I had yesterday and the day before and how much better her cream cheese is. Fun.

The rest of the day was boring. Not much to do at work, nothing to be a bit more exact. I was occupied for ONE hour! ONE! out of 8 I have to be there. Normally I end up having at least 2 days per week working up to 10 hours! And today was so boring. I wanted to leave, go to the gym, but couldn't because I had to wait for one email. One. An important one. It never came. Fuckers.


I got so bored that I decided to get a new haircut. So at 4 pm sharp I drove home and went to the hairdressers and that bitch really fucked my hair up. I have a side fringe now but it is way too short. My hair is also layered which could make a good look - but not like that! I lost so much hair!

Skarsky, guy from work, once made a compliment. He never does that, normaly he's the one to tell me my makeup's not perfect, my hair is a mess, there's dirt on my jeans and I'm overdressed.
Until one day I had my hair in a messy bun like a ballerina but a bit messy. When we met for lunch I opened my hair and he said: "Aaaand the bun's gone. Man, what are you always doing to your hair."
I got really angry and wanted to shout at him until he looked and me and said: "I was just saying ... I really liked the bun. It suits you."

I should've known. The way he'd said it was like an insult but of course the only way for him to compliment me is to point out that the opposite is a really bad thing. You know what I mean? He cannot compliment me, he has to hide it.

Now my hair is too short. For my curls as well and my vintage hairstyles. What am I going to do now?

Frustrated I decided to go shopping. Don't do that after getting a bad haircut - at least not with a butt my size. It won't cheer you up, it'll tear you down.
It took me 5 minutes after getting my own clothes back on to leave the dressing room.
Fuck jeans. Fuck levis.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I keep running to the gym, start purging again? I'm still fat and ugly. And of course I grabbed a pizza and chocolate and ate it and sat on the couch the entire night.

I really hate my body, my hair, my entire look right now. All that time I sat in the chair and this beautiful bitch cut my hair I felt ashamed, I felt like someone who doesn't belong because the face looked bad, too, bloated, not the best skin and now a hideous haircut to complete the drama.

My flat is messy, too. Shit. I have no time or energy to tidy up.

I miss Skarsky. Another 2 weeks without him and I probably won't see him until then. And when I do his first thought will be "What have you done to your hair, girl?"
But I want to have him around, despite his teasing me, despite his hurtfull comments, despite the fact that he will always talk about cars and exes, despite the fact that he's so grumpy sometimes and his mood swings are really something you could live without.

Fuck.

This is so Apollo 13.

Uhm. Yeah.

Reward hidden in trousers ...

Now I am a 22 year old single reincarnation of Bridget Jones. How come I have not thought of this earlier?!

Almost two hours at the gym yesterday and in a rush I had to make myself look pretty for the guy we would meet at the bowling center. So no time for wellness, for sauna and relaxing, nothing. There was no time for curling my hair (I'm really obsessed these days with Vintage hair, bit of a curly pin up style) and because I'd been at the gym and had to use the weird hair dryer they have. As a result I had very shiny hair and not a bit curly, it was really sleek. But I looked and felt good after the workout.


Bowling itself was fun, I enjoyed it mainly because I had to keep moving, losing more calories. I also realised that I had not eaten one thing the entire day. Yes, some veggies and a pudding, that was the plan - but I DID NOT EAT IT!

Being near that guy again was fun but again there's no chance that he'll contact me.
I was really happy though because Skarsky, the guy from work, sent me a text, nothing special but it made my day. Silly.

So today I decided to meet a friend (used to be a close friend but I never see her these days) at the gym. We worked out for 1,5 hours and then took some time and went to the sauna.

I still am amazed that I have never thought of this before.

Ladies, there are some really fit guys out there. One of them I've been watching before, he was running in front of me, really fast and had such a nice arse. Sorry, but there really aren't many possibilities to avoid that view, I was on a treadmill right behind.
Later it turned out that I knew the guy, as soon as he turned around I hated myself for looking like a pig when I'm sweating. He looked gorgous.

Well, there are these guys and now, spending so much time in the wellness area, it finally hit me.


Get a good workout first.
And then go get your reward.

I LOVE men with a good body. Arse and legs aren't that important but the torso and back and neck ... oh boy.

Well, I plan on going to the gym again tomorrow.



The thing is:
I came home and binged on a pizza and two slices of bread with salmon and onion.
Afterwards I felt really guilty. Now that I'm going to the gym again it feels even worse, eating. So I did something I have not done in a long time: I purged. Fingers down my throat and i got rid of almost everything.

Okay so I had a pizza ... or not. But I did, sort of, right? So I have to go back to the gym tomorrow.

I'm tired but will read 3 or 4 posts, go to bed, SLEEEEEEEEP.

Lots of love!