I'm thinking about leaving bloggers again.
I started blogging a couple years ago and it really helped me through all this - mainly because of all the support, it was like being with a family, everyone was there to support each other. Sticky, Luce, Ancora, Matilda, Melon, who's gone missing - and now?
Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy that some of you guys are still there, reading my comments - even "new" followers like Sam (okay, you're not so new but one of the newest compared to the other ones ...)
it feels weird. 2 years ago I had more followers and they left so many comments and that really helped me.
Please please please don't get me wrong, this is a vicious circle, really!
I have not been this lonely in a very very long time, I live for work and have no social life at all, people judge me every day and then posting stuff and realising that so many followers have stopped reading my blog, that depresses me. Even though it's wrong, it feels like ... like some sort of proof that I don't deserve a social life.
And mia is back, it's well known that I spend every day at the gym but I still gained 11 lbs and my mother recently even said to me: "You've been eating a lot recently, haven't you?" And then she said "Sorry, but I can see it". After that I stepped on the scales and found out that she was right.
Everything's just great.
The new job is not what I had hoped for. And to make everything even worse the women at work don't like me and talked to the boss who now has the impression that I don't want to learn anything, feel superior and don't want them to teach me anything new.
Me, of all people. I'm the last person to leave the building 4 days a week because I'm trying to learn as much as possible, I ask so many questions every day and I'm really trying to be polite - hell, i'm not trying, I feel like I'm brown-nosing every fucking day until 7 pm and then it's either the gym or a huge binge or the gym and after that the fucking binge and I'm exhausted and I have no idea what to do anymore and I don't even want to be here anymore!!!!
and i dont even fucking deserve this!!
I never talk bad about people, I dont talk behind their back, i dont judge, i try to learn as much as possible, i gave up on my friends for work, i go to the gym 4 times a week, and everyone judges me and i'm not happy!!!!
ive not been happy in a long time.
i hate this.