family issues

I live in my apartment on my own, not far away from my parents, my brother lives nearby. The rest of the family - well, they have their own lifes, far far away, and that's okay. We're not exactly close. 

But today, one of my uncles visited my mum. 

He's one of the guys who does everything just the way it should be done. And his wife also, I guess. Not too sure because she doesn't really exist. 

I mean - she's there, obviously. I can see her and she touched my hand when she said hello, so I felt her, too, and the cake in front of her disappeared, she must be real. 

Zombie. 

No offense - but for all I know she could be mute. 
Okay, I'm sure she's lovely but goddamn it - I have not once had a conversation with her and they've been married for like 20 years now! There's just no personality!

I was quite worried because I had not seen them in a while and with me giving up my old live, getting rid of everyone, new job and all that after years of drama, worrying my parents - well, I wanted to make a good impression. 

Punctuality is ... okay, you guys know in which country I was born, but my family really puts great stress on punctuality - and they started that family thing at like 8.30ish. 

On a sunday. 

I woke up early, took a shower, put on some makeup, did my hair, picked out an outfit that was very gossipgirlserena-ish (classy/cool) and was there one the spot. I was polite to everyone, ate two slices of bread in the morning, two slices of cake in the afternoon so no one would be offended, asked how they had been, distracted my mother the very minute they started talking about my brothers horrible past (she cannot bear to hear all those stories but no one seems to have ever noticed that maybe you shouldn't dig in the past everytime you're invited over!) - boy, was I nice. On my very best behaviour. 

And it was so frustrating. I went back home quite late and started eating way too much - because it was too late to go to the gym, the opening hours really suck on weekends! - so instead I ate. 

And then it hit me: 

I don't like them. They always find a way to judge, they are so intolerant, so rude, but in perfect disguise. Trying to impress them is one thing - but they could at least acknowledge that I have grown up, that I'm still there, still fighting, not giving up, I became someone and am actually a very nice person, a good person. 
And I stressed myself with being the perfect niece for them, ended up frustrated and binged. 

Not worth it. Since I actually turned out to be a pretty cool member of this family. Yep. 


Sorry, just had to say all that. :)


Back to work tomorrow and then I'll be helping out in a club during the night - remember I told you it's like Halloween over here? Everyone's gone crazy and it's in another city, too, so might be 3 am or later until I'm back home - and have to get up at 6 again for work. But I need to make some extra money since I have spent way too much on IKEA last week - not furniture but decoration. Little fortune. 

Ridiculous, really, but whenever something happens in my life, I have to make sure I feel as comfortable as possible back home. Not good for my wallet but my apartment loves it - it's so ... romantic and sweet and - guess Blair Waldorf-ish and a mix of Paris, English countryside and Louisiana-ish.  

Yep and in order to spend more money on my interior design, I need to earn myself some money. Tomorrow will be really hard, even harder considering that I gave up on cigarettes - have not smoked in 8 days now! Yay me! 

Nevertheless I'll try to eat as little as possible tomorrow (had enough toda!), only one real meal on Tuesday and then go to the gym (no time tomorrow). 

Hope it'll be alright. 

Okay now time for a couple posts, then off to bed. 
XOXO

Gym time

I finally got my new smartphone so now I can use the blogger app. Haven't found out how to see the blogs I'm reading or how to change colour and all that but I will find a way.

It's "fasching" in Germany - started today. It's a German tradition, everyone dresses up, some wear real costumes like Americans do on Halloween, but there are areas in which most people just wear a wig, fake fur costs, sunglasses, cover their face in shoe paint and later coloured powder, they all get drunk and of course the "garde" is there - lots of funny people playing in like an orchestra or sth. It is quite fun as long as it's real and not the shit they show on tv. I, however, will be working tomorrow. Which is why I would just love to kick their arses - live in the city and I hear them all partying. Not fair. Fasching won't be over until Wednesday but I need to get some rest over the weekend, not taking a break between the two jobs is killing me.

So I went to the gym again today and lasted an hour - until they closed. I only had time for a quick shower and 5 minutes outside at the lake.

I am member at a real classy gym where they have a wellness and beauty area, their own lake and part of a fake beach, everything. It's quite fancy. I normally never talk to people there but since last week I noticed that I'm getting better at it. I talked to women in the dressing room while getting changed!!! Never done that before! And when I walked outside, covered in nothing but a towel, to the lake, there was this guy, my age, and I talked to him as well! We were making fun about how tough we are, standing in the snow with nothing but a towel around our bodies and teasing each other because neither of us wanted to go for a swim.

Maybe my parents were right. Maybe I am changing, now that I no longer work for the tosser that was my team leader. Maybe I really am a lot more ... Relaxed.

But my body still looks horrible. I have ... orange skin.
Everything is wobbly and doesn't look nice. I look quite skinny when I'm dressed and luckily have skinny arms and my collarbone sticks out a bit but I have a tummy and my thighs are enormous - and wobbly.


Give me 5 months. I'll change that.

Just saw that one of my former colleagues emailed me :) yay. Nice to hear that people miss me.

Ok off to bed now have to get up in 4,5 hours again.

Kisses

And what are you up to right now?

Still at the gym. Join me.

runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun

My sports-obsessed family kept me from going to the gym today, how ironic is that?

I'll go for a run now, gym closes half an hour. Shame though because I am really quite bad at running - 15 minutes is a long time for me. Going to the gym and pushing myself there is a lot easier.

Maybe some exercise back home, too. Push ups and jumping jacks, whatever, as long as i keep moving.

Work is exhausting - I have been working 9 hours per day since I started - well, 8 hours + a one hour break (hate that but we have to take that break, if I keep working instead of taking the break they would still consider one hour my lunch time and I would lose hours) - and I am still exhausted - but my father says I haven't looked this healthy and "relaxed" for the last 4 years and he hopes I'm getting better.

He and my mother have been telling me for the last 2 years now that I'm nothing but a shadow of my former self and I guess they were right. Hopefully I'll find myself again.

Being back on blogger should help.

Oh and I'm so happy to have you back - cute, some of you haven't changed at all, still write like they used to, still obsessed with the same things, some have changed so much I don't even recognise them - not in a bad way, don't worry - and all of you have been through so much. Aw I missed you.

Uhm. Yeah. OK off now! RUN!!! now! Yap.

xoxo :)

Waste of time and energy - the ex.

Hello my lovelies - missed me?

I sure as hell missed you. Or being online for that matter. Even at work I had barely time to check my mails because I only used the computer for work - actual work. After finding out a couple things at work I deleted the blogger app from my smartphone - wasn't safe, really.

But here's the good news: 

I quit my job, no longer work for my horrible boss, no longer have that smartphone the company provided - and got myself a new one! Sweet Jesus, i will be connected to the world again!

All is good.

Got myself a new job - doesn't really mean much more money but a new boss and that's like getting a 1.000 € raise/month, believe me! Plus hopefully more free time - for the last year I worked from 7 am until 10 pm so very often, I am absolutely exhausted.

Another mistake last year was the "relationship" - lasted a  couple months but never saw him, english bloke but a real tosser. Barely saw him, never had time to come see me, always had to drive to his place (gas prizes are insane!) - after working 10 hours+, mind you, never listened, always sulking - and 10 years older than me! But such a child. He was a real waste of time and energy and when I really needed him because work was so frustrating, he wasn't there for me but talked behind my back because I never had time for him (cuz of work). Let me point out that I always drove to his place after work, ignoring the gas prizes or the time, just to see him, he never came to see me.
In the end we never even broke up officially. He started sulking again because for 3 days in a row I had no time to drive to his place after leaving work at 10 or 11ish (stocktaking) and because I was applying for jobs at the same time. Due to my lack of sleep it was already quite dangerous to drive back home - one of my friends drove me from time to time because he thought it was really dangerous, me getting behind the wheel after working so many hours and getting  no sleep. Stole a lot of his time but he said he wanted me to be safe. So I couldn't drive to another city every night to go see my "boyfriend" but suggested that he'd come visit me (he had never been to my place!!!). Can't, no money for the train. But when I found out that he spent every night at the local pub when he pretended to have no money for a 30 min train ride, I pointed out that this was a bit weird. Now according to him it's something else, borrowing money from the barkeeper/roomie for a pint or 5 and lots of shots, that is something else, less embarassing than borrowing 3 € from the same guy for a train ride. And that's when I stopped answering or apologising for anything. Last time I heard from him.

That was in autumn.
Since then I got myself a new job, unfortunately gained lots of weight (bad since I stopped going to the gym because of the ex, wanted to spend time with him instead), got rid of some friends I realised weren't good for me and now I'm trying to start over again.

I even went to the gym this Sunday!

Big mistake. Cannot walk. Everything hurts. I was determined to go today as well and I swear to god I would've - it's just I even had to leave my car in the jacket - jacket in the car, whoops - because I couldn't bend down to pick it up from the back seat - and it's freezing cold, it's WINTER!

Hopefully I'll be able to go tomorrow. I really want to get in shape again. Luckily I look quite skinny in clothes, especially my legs, but boy, you wouldn't want to see me in a bikini.

So. Here I am again. Time to catch up on your blogs. Might take a while, like I said, I am really exhausted from last year and had not one free day since ... oh shoot. July? Something like that. I only had 10 free days last year which is why my boss and I had a bit of an argument (of course they have to pay for the holidays I never took) and I only had a 10 hour break between my old and my new job. Crazy, huh? So I might read blogs for another hour but then off to bed.

Anyhow, it's good to be back!

xoxo

Found the blogger app.

- Finally. And with no Internet back home I am not afraid to use this app from now on. Hope it's not connected to facefuck ... Took me a month to find out that with a facefuck app you're pretty much doomed, whatever you're doing, it'll end up on ff.

Ana apps

Sorry I've been really busy at work.

Well. My scales are not working - I used someone elses this morning and apparently I gained all the weight back. 133 lbs.

Sam doesn't want to post the weight.

But here's Luce's stats (from yesterda):

Current weight: 132.7 lbs
BMI: 21.1
Lost: -1.3 lbs

Very good! Keep it going love, I promise I'll get some batteries tomorrow or Saturday and post my own stats then okay?


Not much to tell to be honest, all I do is work. Had a pint with the guy from work I stayed with the other night, the one who likes to cuddle - went to the pub and again the Australian wasn't there. I don't go there because of him, really. I love the pub. But when I left I noticed I had not seen him since that night.

I feel bloated, had too much ... spaghetti - Sam please don't say anything! And I've been trying to contact an old friend who is really good when it comes to ana and mia and always kicked my ass. We talked every night on the phone - never seen her but she was the best ana friend I ever had. We could go for days without food as long as we stayed in touch.
Need her back, obviously.

Do you happen to know any good iphone apps (free ones!!!) that help you when it comes to ana? Thinspo apps, sports apps, eating diary apps?

Please leave comments and tell me where to find the good apps.

xoxo

(or -1.3 from the beginning)

current BMI: 21.1