So one of the good things about not having any friends left is being able to sleep a lot more and get some rest.
As I mentioned a couple posts ago I had a really bad time and several weeks I spent on my own, crying. Unable to face the rest of the world I’d drag myself to work, back home and visit the local supermarket from time to time in order to spend all my money on the next binge. That’s how I gained so much weight. Remember last Saturday I woke up and was 136 lbs fat.
Now that I’ve decided to start fighting I realize that I can finally see the good things in all that. As a result of breaking up with all my friends I can now safe money. Of course I didn’t until last week because I was so devastated that all the money I had I traded in for chocolate, chips, pizza and pasta at the supermarket.
Of course there won’t be no binges no more, right? Plus I won’t see my best female friend no more. She’s the kind of girl one should hate, really. She’s skinny, her legs are amazing. You cannot meet her without having to eat. For the last 2 years I had this feeling that she’s competing with me. She tricks one into eating but of course she’s strong enough to always leave half of the food on her plate. But you continue to eat. As soon as I’d found out what was going on I stopped going to restaurants with her. Only during the time I had the affair until a month ago, only then I would go out for dinner with her. She started eating a bit more and I was doing really well. Maybe because the guy had mentioned how he loved my stomach.
Anyhow. So when you want to meet her you have to spend money. She’s the kind of person who can only see her friend over a cup of coffee or something like that, you’ll always spend money! She would never just come round for a coffee at my place.
All the other friends I had, they would always go out, every Friday, every Saturday. During the week we always went to this little pub, one day every week we had cocktails. In case we’d stay at my best mate’s place (not very often) the money was spent on alcohol.
I don’t know what it is these days but having friends is really expensive.
But now I can safe that money. Well, not really safe it, no. I owe my mother about a thousand bucks for my car and I don’t earn a lot of money. I also have to make sure I have enough money left on my account for insurance and stuff (500 every 6 months).
I might move in a couple weeks and I’d have to get a painter to paint all my walls when I move out. Moving is quite expensive.
So not having those friends no more is a good thing, isn’t it?
I realized it this weekend. I decided to pick up my brothers flatmate from the club I used to go to every week – the only reason was to get out of my flat. I had to get out of my flat. Even though I barely see that flatmate, he’s a nice person and since we’re not exactly close friends – he’s a “friend”, yes, but we never see each other, which means I can still see him. He’s not one of “my” friends I had to break up with. – So I offered to pick him up and give him a ride home. Of course he talked me into having one drink and I saw my former best mate I used to be so close to. He wanted to know why I wouldn’t give him a hug when he said hello. I simply said: “Why won’t you call me?” - not a question. It was more of a “That’s what happens when you treat friends this way”. And turned around and gave the roomie a ride home and went to bad.
A former neighbor of mine who now lives out of town gave me a call yesterday and said he’d be in the city for the night. Because he’s the only one who really keeps calling me even though we’ve not seen each other in years, I let him take me out for dinner. Not good.
It was strange, seeing him. He’s all grown up. And all I heard was that he lives in a nice flat, in a relationship, like all the other guys. That was all I could hear.
And it was one of the reasons why I decided to give my brother and his roommate a call today to go out for a coffee. Because I realized I was getting lonely. After that we made our way to some of their friends and ordered Chinese food.
There you go. Socializing means spending money. And food.
I know this seems like a random long rant about friends and food and money but here’s the thing:
Now I know how it works. And maybe I’ll see my brother more often, plus his mates. But not so often. Only when I feel lonely, to make sure I don’t break in and call the other guys again. I don’t want to do that, they don’t deserve me.
During the week I want to concentrate on work and start going to the gym again. I want to go there at least twice a week. Hell, I keep paying for the gym and I’ve not been using it for the last 5 months! How lousy is that?
I will also try to give my mother as much money as possible every week. Not only because I owe her but also to help me not spending any money on food or going out too much.
Over the next couple weeks I’ll prepare myself for moving out. I won’t tell anyone except my brother. I know better than to tell anyone, even if I still had those friends, they wouldn’t help me. That friend that only eats half of what’s on her plate, L, she moved in with her boyfriend and I was the one who did all the work. Yes, to avoid the affair, but also to help her. I know how to use a screwdriver. I was the only female friend and the only one to even touch that thing. She’d be sleeping on a mattress now if it wasn’t for me.
If she heard that I’ll move – she knows I want to but as soon as I give her a date, all of a sudden she won’t have time. Even though she promised all the time: as soon as you’ve found another flat I’ll help you.
No, I don’t want them to know anything. Looks like I’ll stay in the same house, too. Weird, huh? Haha. Yep, I want to move into one of the smaller flats. It’s only half the size of my flat, really tiny, no charm and I won’t even safe money. But my flat is too big for one person … The only reason I want to move out is because it’s too dangerous for me to live in a flat where there should be 2 people living.
I also decided to set myself some goals. Of course there’s the 125 lbs goal. I want to get there by the end of next week. Next Sunday I will have lost the weight.
Sunday 6th November: 125 lbs. (56,69 kg, BMI 19.2)
After that I’ll give myself about a month to lose another 5 lbs. Winter’s coming and we should have some meat on us to keep us warm but I think that’s bullshit. You never know what happens. Just imagine someone at work asks you to play Santa and get dressed up and walk through your company and give everyone a chocolate santa or something like that? Of course you want to look all sexy. Not like real Santa. And a costume adds a couple pounds.
Chrm. Sorry. No, really. I think I should be able to lose another 5 lbs until then.
So Wednesday 30th November: 120 lbs. (54,43 kg, BMI 18.4)
And of course there’s December. I know many of you don’t even want to think about it because this is the month every family comes together to binge and get fat or in case of women to try to make their mother or sister in law at more than they do to feel a bit better. Luckily I don’t really have this sort of family. I’ll bet you here and now that my mother’s suggestion for Christmas Eve will be Spaghetti and a plain salad.
Work is something else. I’ve never had to go to a Christmas party before but they’re planning one already and I know it’ll be held at a restaurant and there will be lots of food. I also found out that our department especially gets huge amounts of gift baskets from other companies every year. For every single team member there will be huge baskets containing nothing but cake or chocolate. I really hope I’ll be strong enough to get rid of those at least 10 temptations.
Maybe I should stay in contact with L for a while. I could just give them to her … Fatten her up a bit. That’d be nice.
But no, really. However hard it will be, I’ll try to lose another 5 lbs.
Saturday 24th December: 115 lbs. (52,16 kg, BMI 17.6)
I really should be able to do that. It’s important.
What would be really amazing: if I could actually get down to exactly 110,231 lbs by the end of the year! That would make 50 kg and oh my dear god how lovely would that be? And a BMI of 16.9
My dream BMI has always been 16.4. Ever since I heard Melissa (Hollyoaks) say to Hannah: “Guess what my BMI is. Sixteen point four.” I fell in love with that number.
During that time I was only at the start of my ED but had the best time. I went for a run every night, I ate almost nothing for 22 days and lost about 10 kg. In 22 days. And kept the weight off. 10 kg is 22.04 lbs. That time was amazing. I lost 22 lbs but was still huge (yes, I was even fatter than I am now). And Melissa looks so incredibly thin plus she was this strong character and such an inspiration to Hannah, someone I would have wanted as my own friend, that I wanted to be like her. And I fell in love with her, her will and her BMI.
I don’t know how tall I am exactly. My ID says 171 cm, I once was measured 173 cm. So until I know for sure I’ll use 172 cm (5,64 ft) for my BMI, hope that’s okay. Not really cheating, is it?
So yes, these are my little goals for the rest of the year.
I’ll think of something to reward myself as well but I’ll have to think about that.
We have a holiday tomorrow and I’ll use that time to go for a run, tidy up my flat, watch about 40 episodes of SATC (love.) and get some more sleep. And avoid food. Except for fruits. <3
I know it was a long post. Thanks for reading. I love you all! <3