Stocktaking is FUN!
It also turns out to be a good workout. So after the first two days I had to help in the other warehouse and wanted to impress that guy from my office but we barely spoke to each other, there was no time.
I did talk to one of the guys who works in that warehouse, though. Oh my gosh, he's really lovely.
He gave me his oversized sweater and said I could keep it. When I said "really?" he said "Of course. I woulnd't give it to you if I wouldn't like you, don't you worry". That was really nice.
The first two days I had salad and ate only half of it - but the salad really wasn't good, my stomach kept grumbling so I ordered pizza the other two days. Sounds foolish, doesn't it? But it turned out to be the right thing, I didn't feel sick and ate only half of both pizzas. And the workout.
Warehouse-guy helped me whenever he saw me carry something heavy. Clever girl that I am I only picked the heavy boxes from every top shelf as soon as I realized I'd have him around as long as I went for them plus I'd get a lot of exercise.
Saturday night I went to a party (yep. After 11 hours at work.) and stayed there until 3 am because there was another guy who was really nice and good looking and quite a flirt. We didn't even touch but there was a connection and I had to prove myself that I was ready to move on (you know ... after the affair ...) - yep, I talked to him for a couple hours, made myself feel a lot better and went home at 3 am (without a phone number, though). 4 hours later I got up again and went back to another 12 hours at the warehouse (to admire warehouse-guy).
Tomorrow morning I'll go to the gym again (okay, I spent 11 hours at work - again! and I'll have to get up in 5 hours again but who gives a shit).
Hopefully skinny treadmill-girl will be there. The inspiration.
I'd love to post a photo, you guys would LOVE her!!!
I don't really know how to handle those silly stories about the guys. Warehouse guy, that one especially. Because I'll see him from time to time, I'm really attracted to him, I won't see him often enough and I'm not allowed to date him because I don't want to date someone at the same company.
Stupid.
Hm. Tricky.
What would Jane do ...
Monday, 21 November 2011
Friday, 18 November 2011
Inspiration on a treadmill
It's annual stocktaking-time.
I've been counting for 10 hours today - it was fun. I liked it. Okay ... I'll admit: The guy I had to count with was the young guy who goes for a smoke with me every now and then. The guy I skipped lunch for only to smoke a cigarette with him once?. I enjoyed his company, it was fun. He's tall and looks a bit like Alexander Skarsgard (Eric, Tru Blood) - not that good of course but the same type.
Tomorrow I won't be in that warehouse (the one under my office) but in another warehouse. Have to be there at 7:30 - Shoot, that's in 11 housrs!
Okay. Thing is: however much I enjoyed that guys company, the other guy will be there tomorrow.
The one I had the argument with, the day before I fainted. Remember? He's about 30 years old but looks a bit younger. He's got a lot to say in our team and I really want to impress him. But somehow we don't really get along. He doesn't know how to talk to me, he said so. And so we're avoiding each other. That wouldn't be a problem - after all there are so many other people who can help me out and I really don't have to talk him.
Now imagine that: I actually like this guy. I really do. Not only that Iwant to impress him, whatever the cost, no, I "like" him as in I want him to think of me in a good way. I want him to like me, too.
I wouldn't fall for him, don't you worry, that's out of question. But today when he came in our office for ten minutes - well, I felt better. He didn't talk to me (after all there was nothing to talk about) but I couln't help myself. I kept looking at him. For the first time I saw him in a hoodie. Normally he's the shirt and v-neck sort of guy, very british, very stylish. Not today.
It felt good to see that he's wearing normal stuff, too. That he has clothes who don't belong to the office.
Ever noticed how you cannot imagine some colleagues in other clothes but their business clothes? I'm rambling, I know. But it really was a nice experience.
Whatever happens tomorrow, I want to improve our relationship, I want thim to notice I'm a nice person.
Monday and Tuesday we had a cigarette together (yes, I timed it a bit, I saw him leaving the office and went after him. Only because I wanted to talk to him in a normal way, to create a relaxed situation after our huge fight). And woooh we actually talked for a couple minutes. So that was good.
During the stocktaking our company pays for our lunch. So we order pizza every day for the next day - Yesterday and today I had salad.
Our team consists of about 20 people and I was the only one to eat salad! But my stomach went crazy so tomorrow I'll have pizza. It's a very small one so I guess it's okay.
Yesterday I went to the gym before work and it was so inspiring! There was this girl on the treadmill and she was skinny, as skinny as Nicole Richie in her skinniest days. But she kept running. For 2 hours. It was amazing to watch!
I don't have time to go to the gym today, tomorrow and Sunday but will do next week because it really felt good to work out again.
You should do that, too.
Lots of love
I've been counting for 10 hours today - it was fun. I liked it. Okay ... I'll admit: The guy I had to count with was the young guy who goes for a smoke with me every now and then. The guy I skipped lunch for only to smoke a cigarette with him once?. I enjoyed his company, it was fun. He's tall and looks a bit like Alexander Skarsgard (Eric, Tru Blood) - not that good of course but the same type.
Tomorrow I won't be in that warehouse (the one under my office) but in another warehouse. Have to be there at 7:30 - Shoot, that's in 11 housrs!
Okay. Thing is: however much I enjoyed that guys company, the other guy will be there tomorrow.
The one I had the argument with, the day before I fainted. Remember? He's about 30 years old but looks a bit younger. He's got a lot to say in our team and I really want to impress him. But somehow we don't really get along. He doesn't know how to talk to me, he said so. And so we're avoiding each other. That wouldn't be a problem - after all there are so many other people who can help me out and I really don't have to talk him.
Now imagine that: I actually like this guy. I really do. Not only that Iwant to impress him, whatever the cost, no, I "like" him as in I want him to think of me in a good way. I want him to like me, too.
I wouldn't fall for him, don't you worry, that's out of question. But today when he came in our office for ten minutes - well, I felt better. He didn't talk to me (after all there was nothing to talk about) but I couln't help myself. I kept looking at him. For the first time I saw him in a hoodie. Normally he's the shirt and v-neck sort of guy, very british, very stylish. Not today.
It felt good to see that he's wearing normal stuff, too. That he has clothes who don't belong to the office.
Ever noticed how you cannot imagine some colleagues in other clothes but their business clothes? I'm rambling, I know. But it really was a nice experience.
Whatever happens tomorrow, I want to improve our relationship, I want thim to notice I'm a nice person.
Monday and Tuesday we had a cigarette together (yes, I timed it a bit, I saw him leaving the office and went after him. Only because I wanted to talk to him in a normal way, to create a relaxed situation after our huge fight). And woooh we actually talked for a couple minutes. So that was good.
During the stocktaking our company pays for our lunch. So we order pizza every day for the next day - Yesterday and today I had salad.
Our team consists of about 20 people and I was the only one to eat salad! But my stomach went crazy so tomorrow I'll have pizza. It's a very small one so I guess it's okay.
Yesterday I went to the gym before work and it was so inspiring! There was this girl on the treadmill and she was skinny, as skinny as Nicole Richie in her skinniest days. But she kept running. For 2 hours. It was amazing to watch!
I don't have time to go to the gym today, tomorrow and Sunday but will do next week because it really felt good to work out again.
You should do that, too.
Lots of love
Saturday, 5 November 2011
fast and faint. fail.
Today was quite a good day - I fainted in public ´.
Not that good, yes. But the reason for fainting:
Yesterday I had a huge argument at work and around 4 or 5 pm I couldn't hold back the tears. Luckily not many people were there (Friday afternoon ...) but my team witnessed my breakdown. It was because there's this guy who has a lot to say and I respect him and want him to notice that I am trying really hard to do my best. He doesn't and most of the time it seems like he's annoyed that I'm even there because I'm the only one who did not study what she's doing (yep, I am in another department and it's not at all what I studied).
He is not very sensitive and started snapping at me. And all of a sudden I started crying. He kept ranting and things got worse.
In the end I stayed until 8 or 9 pm, on my own, and tried to prepare things for Monday. I will go and apology for being too weak or whatever and from Monday on I will never be weak in front of him again. Never.
Eventually he will have to start taking me seriously.
Until this drama began everything was okay. Remember how I told you about those two guys at work in my last post?
The younger guy and I had a couple cigarettes together - first one when the other guys had lunch. Yes, I skipped lunch to have a cigarette with someone. And it worked! I didn't even realise what I was doing.
He also made me laugh when the drama started. First time I noticed I'd start crying I went downstairs, told him to come with me for a smoke and tadaa. I was able to smile for another 5 minutes. But then he went home and I was alone with my team, started crying, went back to work for another couple hours and drove back home. I went to bad, again a friday night on my own. And forgot - totally forgot! to eat.
This morning I woke up early due to a grumbling stomach. Felt great. It reminded me of my time in England when I was doing really good and lost 10 kilos in 22 days.
So to avoid eating I decided to go into town. And eventually fainted in a shop whilst talking to a saleswoman. It was really embarassing. Even more embarassing was when the woman asked me if there was anyone she could call to pick me up and I had to say no - not because it wasn't necessary but because there is no one who'd come pick me up. I guess those old friends would've thought: what. you woke up again. what could I possibly do for you now?
Something like that.
I went home and had some spaghetti and salad - quite a plate full, to be honest, but I really had to eat something.
This morning I weighed 128 lbs.
Not 125 but I'm getting there.
The good thing is: I finally know that I am still able to fast. Okay, I spend the next day in a shop lying on the floor, looking like a complete idiot, but hey ... whatever it takes, right?
So I'll try to fast at least twice next week. I'll just have to spend a bit more time with the smoker.
Hm. :( My surf stick's not working again.
But now I'll finally read your blogs - and Lucy's. I feel really bad for not leaving a comment :(
xxx
Not that good, yes. But the reason for fainting:
Yesterday I had a huge argument at work and around 4 or 5 pm I couldn't hold back the tears. Luckily not many people were there (Friday afternoon ...) but my team witnessed my breakdown. It was because there's this guy who has a lot to say and I respect him and want him to notice that I am trying really hard to do my best. He doesn't and most of the time it seems like he's annoyed that I'm even there because I'm the only one who did not study what she's doing (yep, I am in another department and it's not at all what I studied).
He is not very sensitive and started snapping at me. And all of a sudden I started crying. He kept ranting and things got worse.
In the end I stayed until 8 or 9 pm, on my own, and tried to prepare things for Monday. I will go and apology for being too weak or whatever and from Monday on I will never be weak in front of him again. Never.
Eventually he will have to start taking me seriously.
Until this drama began everything was okay. Remember how I told you about those two guys at work in my last post?
The younger guy and I had a couple cigarettes together - first one when the other guys had lunch. Yes, I skipped lunch to have a cigarette with someone. And it worked! I didn't even realise what I was doing.
He also made me laugh when the drama started. First time I noticed I'd start crying I went downstairs, told him to come with me for a smoke and tadaa. I was able to smile for another 5 minutes. But then he went home and I was alone with my team, started crying, went back to work for another couple hours and drove back home. I went to bad, again a friday night on my own. And forgot - totally forgot! to eat.
This morning I woke up early due to a grumbling stomach. Felt great. It reminded me of my time in England when I was doing really good and lost 10 kilos in 22 days.
So to avoid eating I decided to go into town. And eventually fainted in a shop whilst talking to a saleswoman. It was really embarassing. Even more embarassing was when the woman asked me if there was anyone she could call to pick me up and I had to say no - not because it wasn't necessary but because there is no one who'd come pick me up. I guess those old friends would've thought: what. you woke up again. what could I possibly do for you now?
Something like that.
I went home and had some spaghetti and salad - quite a plate full, to be honest, but I really had to eat something.
This morning I weighed 128 lbs.
Not 125 but I'm getting there.
The good thing is: I finally know that I am still able to fast. Okay, I spend the next day in a shop lying on the floor, looking like a complete idiot, but hey ... whatever it takes, right?
So I'll try to fast at least twice next week. I'll just have to spend a bit more time with the smoker.
Hm. :( My surf stick's not working again.
But now I'll finally read your blogs - and Lucy's. I feel really bad for not leaving a comment :(
xxx
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
men. question mark?
Nothing about food or being fat today.
Ok the question, yes, but nothing else.
Luce, thank you ... I'll leave a comment tomorrow okay?
Here goes:
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
No. I don't. I can't, I lack the discipline.
Okay. Here's what I wanted to write about.
I really miss the guy. He treated me really badly but I liked him. Plus the sex was good. And I never have sex with anyone, I'm sort of frigid to be honest. For some reasons I really don't let men touch me. Snogging is okay, really, no problem with that, but anything else? Yeah, so I finally was able to sleep with someone. I've had enough chances before but he was the first one I let.
Yeah. I miss him.
I am quite lonely. I never really had a relationship. my longest relationship went 2 months. I am almost 23 years old now. you can always blame me for not letting anyone near me - well not quickly enough. But the real problem is this: no one's trying to be near me. To get to know me.
It's like ... i am just not interesting enough.
But I feel really lonely. One of the things I liked so much about the affair was sleeping at his place. He'd listen to weird documentations on the radio to fall asleep. It worked for him, not for me. I'd listen to that stuff because it was interesting. I guess he was already used to it so it didn't bother him. He sweated a lot during the night for a while. He had nightmares and once his chest was really wet, I was surprised that he never woke up. Sometimes I only slept for about 3 hours. but every day I woke up early, got dressed and went to work - 2 hours earlier than I normally do. I felt amazing, not tired at all. Now that it's over I cannot sleep. And I cannot wake up, It takes me ages to get up in the morning.
I miss his smell, too.
It's been a month now. I've not seen him since then and I stopped crying (every day that is).
But I'm beginning to realise that I need someone near me.
I find myself daydreaming. Often when I wake up I lie there and think about what it'd be like to have someone lying next to me.
How silly is that? Because it happens every morning. And then I start crying again until my pillow can't soak in any more tears. Pathetic.
Distracting myself is the only option I have but work and food are not good enough for that. So I try to flirt. Well actually I don't but I guess I am. There's one guy at work constantly teasing me, he's like 10 to 13 years older than I am, not pretty, not my type but really witty, clever and a good laugh and sometimes we talk on the phone for 10 minutes, just chit-chatting. And then I wonder: am I flirting? And why? Because he's too old, not my type and I am not interested at all.
Another guy at work is someone I barely see because he's in another team. Sometimes we go for a smoke together. Well at least that guy's younger and you could even say he's not so bad looking. He has really beautiful blond hair, I like that, + he's tall. He, like the other guy, teases me a lot. And the difference to said other guy is that I'm not flirting, not at all, I couldn't even if I wanted to. Whenever I think someone's worthy of my attention (ok let's just say whenever I find someone even one tiny bit interesting) I get really shy. Because I say so stupid things so very often and don't want to look like an idiot in front of someone I look up to - it's better to just keep my mouth shut, right? So I'll call him, ask if he's had a smoke in the last couple hours, if he hasn't we'll go out for 5 minutes and I'll ... listen.
He's a cute guy and has a great sense of humour, he is also quite self-confident but not too full of himself. And he's quite an entertainer if he wants to be buuuut he doesn't have to be like that. I would love to have a boyfriend like him.
Why is no one interested in me?
Why does no one love me?
Why are the only guys looking after me the guys from work with grey hair who really are way too old, who have daughters 2 years older than I am?
Why does every fat bitch have a boyfriend?
Why do mean bitches have relationships with really sweet guy who will do anything for her?
Why do they all move in together?
To show me that everyone else is able to be in a relationship?
Everyone but me?
WHY?!!?!
Sorry that was quite a ... random rant and out of nowhere, I know that. I don't know why but I had to post it. Because ... I'm sort of angry. Yeah, I really am, my hands are shaking I'm so angry.
Jesus. What the fuck's wrong with me???
Ok the question, yes, but nothing else.
Luce, thank you ... I'll leave a comment tomorrow okay?
Here goes:
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
No. I don't. I can't, I lack the discipline.
Okay. Here's what I wanted to write about.
I really miss the guy. He treated me really badly but I liked him. Plus the sex was good. And I never have sex with anyone, I'm sort of frigid to be honest. For some reasons I really don't let men touch me. Snogging is okay, really, no problem with that, but anything else? Yeah, so I finally was able to sleep with someone. I've had enough chances before but he was the first one I let.
Yeah. I miss him.
I am quite lonely. I never really had a relationship. my longest relationship went 2 months. I am almost 23 years old now. you can always blame me for not letting anyone near me - well not quickly enough. But the real problem is this: no one's trying to be near me. To get to know me.
It's like ... i am just not interesting enough.
But I feel really lonely. One of the things I liked so much about the affair was sleeping at his place. He'd listen to weird documentations on the radio to fall asleep. It worked for him, not for me. I'd listen to that stuff because it was interesting. I guess he was already used to it so it didn't bother him. He sweated a lot during the night for a while. He had nightmares and once his chest was really wet, I was surprised that he never woke up. Sometimes I only slept for about 3 hours. but every day I woke up early, got dressed and went to work - 2 hours earlier than I normally do. I felt amazing, not tired at all. Now that it's over I cannot sleep. And I cannot wake up, It takes me ages to get up in the morning.
I miss his smell, too.
It's been a month now. I've not seen him since then and I stopped crying (every day that is).
But I'm beginning to realise that I need someone near me.
I find myself daydreaming. Often when I wake up I lie there and think about what it'd be like to have someone lying next to me.
How silly is that? Because it happens every morning. And then I start crying again until my pillow can't soak in any more tears. Pathetic.
Distracting myself is the only option I have but work and food are not good enough for that. So I try to flirt. Well actually I don't but I guess I am. There's one guy at work constantly teasing me, he's like 10 to 13 years older than I am, not pretty, not my type but really witty, clever and a good laugh and sometimes we talk on the phone for 10 minutes, just chit-chatting. And then I wonder: am I flirting? And why? Because he's too old, not my type and I am not interested at all.
Another guy at work is someone I barely see because he's in another team. Sometimes we go for a smoke together. Well at least that guy's younger and you could even say he's not so bad looking. He has really beautiful blond hair, I like that, + he's tall. He, like the other guy, teases me a lot. And the difference to said other guy is that I'm not flirting, not at all, I couldn't even if I wanted to. Whenever I think someone's worthy of my attention (ok let's just say whenever I find someone even one tiny bit interesting) I get really shy. Because I say so stupid things so very often and don't want to look like an idiot in front of someone I look up to - it's better to just keep my mouth shut, right? So I'll call him, ask if he's had a smoke in the last couple hours, if he hasn't we'll go out for 5 minutes and I'll ... listen.
He's a cute guy and has a great sense of humour, he is also quite self-confident but not too full of himself. And he's quite an entertainer if he wants to be buuuut he doesn't have to be like that. I would love to have a boyfriend like him.
Why is no one interested in me?
Why does no one love me?
Why are the only guys looking after me the guys from work with grey hair who really are way too old, who have daughters 2 years older than I am?
Why does every fat bitch have a boyfriend?
Why do mean bitches have relationships with really sweet guy who will do anything for her?
Why do they all move in together?
To show me that everyone else is able to be in a relationship?
Everyone but me?
WHY?!!?!
Sorry that was quite a ... random rant and out of nowhere, I know that. I don't know why but I had to post it. Because ... I'm sort of angry. Yeah, I really am, my hands are shaking I'm so angry.
Jesus. What the fuck's wrong with me???
Monday, 31 October 2011
60 days challenge
Woke up to a very lovely comment from Sam Lupin and it was the perfect reminder to keep going. Thank you Sam! I also decided to join the 60 days challenge Sam and Samzi are doing.
60 day CHALLENGE
Week One!
Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
I also give in very often at work when they decide to cook something for lunch. No one really cares about how much fat they eat. But eating with my colleagues is deadly for my already ugly figure.
I will stop eating after 5 pm and I will only eat with my team if they're having salad.
Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic). I am 172 cm tall (5,64 ft) and today I weighed 134 lbs. Where the fuck did that come from?!?! I weighed 130 lbs 2 days ago!!
Oh shoot. I had chinese food last night, remember ... + that friend who took me out for dinner 2 days ago. Well, I'm getting rid of it. THATS WHAT HAPPENS! Don't you dare be as silly as I was this weekend!!! Let it be a lesson to you all!
Oh my god I just realised that means I'm almost 61 kilos heavy and my BMI is over 20!!! All that because of one weekend! I feel disgusting now. I haven't felt this disgusting in months, really. It's like I've been in a coma, unable to realise what the numbers were telling me. Knowing I was fat but now how much! Oh damn.
Okay, so I hope after those 60 days I'll weigh ... Yep, remember my last comment? Is it 60 days until Christmas? Think so. So I would like to weigh 115 lbs by Christmas. Santa could you arrange that for me? Thank you.
I have to go now. Tidy up my parents garden. Keep myself busy. Stay away from food.
Do better than I did!
Love
Sunday, 30 October 2011
the plan on money and weight problems. GOALS! ... I actually plan to achieve!
So one of the good things about not having any friends left is being able to sleep a lot more and get some rest.
As I mentioned a couple posts ago I had a really bad time and several weeks I spent on my own, crying. Unable to face the rest of the world I’d drag myself to work, back home and visit the local supermarket from time to time in order to spend all my money on the next binge. That’s how I gained so much weight. Remember last Saturday I woke up and was 136 lbs fat.
Now that I’ve decided to start fighting I realize that I can finally see the good things in all that. As a result of breaking up with all my friends I can now safe money. Of course I didn’t until last week because I was so devastated that all the money I had I traded in for chocolate, chips, pizza and pasta at the supermarket.
Of course there won’t be no binges no more, right? Plus I won’t see my best female friend no more. She’s the kind of girl one should hate, really. She’s skinny, her legs are amazing. You cannot meet her without having to eat. For the last 2 years I had this feeling that she’s competing with me. She tricks one into eating but of course she’s strong enough to always leave half of the food on her plate. But you continue to eat. As soon as I’d found out what was going on I stopped going to restaurants with her. Only during the time I had the affair until a month ago, only then I would go out for dinner with her. She started eating a bit more and I was doing really well. Maybe because the guy had mentioned how he loved my stomach.
Anyhow. So when you want to meet her you have to spend money. She’s the kind of person who can only see her friend over a cup of coffee or something like that, you’ll always spend money! She would never just come round for a coffee at my place.
All the other friends I had, they would always go out, every Friday, every Saturday. During the week we always went to this little pub, one day every week we had cocktails. In case we’d stay at my best mate’s place (not very often) the money was spent on alcohol.
I don’t know what it is these days but having friends is really expensive.
But now I can safe that money. Well, not really safe it, no. I owe my mother about a thousand bucks for my car and I don’t earn a lot of money. I also have to make sure I have enough money left on my account for insurance and stuff (500 every 6 months).
I might move in a couple weeks and I’d have to get a painter to paint all my walls when I move out. Moving is quite expensive.
So not having those friends no more is a good thing, isn’t it?
I realized it this weekend. I decided to pick up my brothers flatmate from the club I used to go to every week – the only reason was to get out of my flat. I had to get out of my flat. Even though I barely see that flatmate, he’s a nice person and since we’re not exactly close friends – he’s a “friend”, yes, but we never see each other, which means I can still see him. He’s not one of “my” friends I had to break up with. – So I offered to pick him up and give him a ride home. Of course he talked me into having one drink and I saw my former best mate I used to be so close to. He wanted to know why I wouldn’t give him a hug when he said hello. I simply said: “Why won’t you call me?” - not a question. It was more of a “That’s what happens when you treat friends this way”. And turned around and gave the roomie a ride home and went to bad.
A former neighbor of mine who now lives out of town gave me a call yesterday and said he’d be in the city for the night. Because he’s the only one who really keeps calling me even though we’ve not seen each other in years, I let him take me out for dinner. Not good.
It was strange, seeing him. He’s all grown up. And all I heard was that he lives in a nice flat, in a relationship, like all the other guys. That was all I could hear.
And it was one of the reasons why I decided to give my brother and his roommate a call today to go out for a coffee. Because I realized I was getting lonely. After that we made our way to some of their friends and ordered Chinese food.
There you go. Socializing means spending money. And food.
I know this seems like a random long rant about friends and food and money but here’s the thing:
Now I know how it works. And maybe I’ll see my brother more often, plus his mates. But not so often. Only when I feel lonely, to make sure I don’t break in and call the other guys again. I don’t want to do that, they don’t deserve me.
During the week I want to concentrate on work and start going to the gym again. I want to go there at least twice a week. Hell, I keep paying for the gym and I’ve not been using it for the last 5 months! How lousy is that?
I will also try to give my mother as much money as possible every week. Not only because I owe her but also to help me not spending any money on food or going out too much.
Over the next couple weeks I’ll prepare myself for moving out. I won’t tell anyone except my brother. I know better than to tell anyone, even if I still had those friends, they wouldn’t help me. That friend that only eats half of what’s on her plate, L, she moved in with her boyfriend and I was the one who did all the work. Yes, to avoid the affair, but also to help her. I know how to use a screwdriver. I was the only female friend and the only one to even touch that thing. She’d be sleeping on a mattress now if it wasn’t for me.
If she heard that I’ll move – she knows I want to but as soon as I give her a date, all of a sudden she won’t have time. Even though she promised all the time: as soon as you’ve found another flat I’ll help you.
No, I don’t want them to know anything. Looks like I’ll stay in the same house, too. Weird, huh? Haha. Yep, I want to move into one of the smaller flats. It’s only half the size of my flat, really tiny, no charm and I won’t even safe money. But my flat is too big for one person … The only reason I want to move out is because it’s too dangerous for me to live in a flat where there should be 2 people living.
I also decided to set myself some goals. Of course there’s the 125 lbs goal. I want to get there by the end of next week. Next Sunday I will have lost the weight.
Sunday 6th November: 125 lbs. (56,69 kg, BMI 19.2)
After that I’ll give myself about a month to lose another 5 lbs. Winter’s coming and we should have some meat on us to keep us warm but I think that’s bullshit. You never know what happens. Just imagine someone at work asks you to play Santa and get dressed up and walk through your company and give everyone a chocolate santa or something like that? Of course you want to look all sexy. Not like real Santa. And a costume adds a couple pounds.
Chrm. Sorry. No, really. I think I should be able to lose another 5 lbs until then.
So Wednesday 30th November: 120 lbs. (54,43 kg, BMI 18.4)
And of course there’s December. I know many of you don’t even want to think about it because this is the month every family comes together to binge and get fat or in case of women to try to make their mother or sister in law at more than they do to feel a bit better. Luckily I don’t really have this sort of family. I’ll bet you here and now that my mother’s suggestion for Christmas Eve will be Spaghetti and a plain salad.
Work is something else. I’ve never had to go to a Christmas party before but they’re planning one already and I know it’ll be held at a restaurant and there will be lots of food. I also found out that our department especially gets huge amounts of gift baskets from other companies every year. For every single team member there will be huge baskets containing nothing but cake or chocolate. I really hope I’ll be strong enough to get rid of those at least 10 temptations.
Maybe I should stay in contact with L for a while. I could just give them to her … Fatten her up a bit. That’d be nice.
But no, really. However hard it will be, I’ll try to lose another 5 lbs.
Saturday 24th December: 115 lbs. (52,16 kg, BMI 17.6)
I really should be able to do that. It’s important.
What would be really amazing: if I could actually get down to exactly 110,231 lbs by the end of the year! That would make 50 kg and oh my dear god how lovely would that be? And a BMI of 16.9
My dream BMI has always been 16.4. Ever since I heard Melissa (Hollyoaks) say to Hannah: “Guess what my BMI is. Sixteen point four.” I fell in love with that number.
During that time I was only at the start of my ED but had the best time. I went for a run every night, I ate almost nothing for 22 days and lost about 10 kg. In 22 days. And kept the weight off. 10 kg is 22.04 lbs. That time was amazing. I lost 22 lbs but was still huge (yes, I was even fatter than I am now). And Melissa looks so incredibly thin plus she was this strong character and such an inspiration to Hannah, someone I would have wanted as my own friend, that I wanted to be like her. And I fell in love with her, her will and her BMI.
I don’t know how tall I am exactly. My ID says 171 cm, I once was measured 173 cm. So until I know for sure I’ll use 172 cm (5,64 ft) for my BMI, hope that’s okay. Not really cheating, is it?
So yes, these are my little goals for the rest of the year.
I’ll think of something to reward myself as well but I’ll have to think about that.
We have a holiday tomorrow and I’ll use that time to go for a run, tidy up my flat, watch about 40 episodes of SATC (love.) and get some more sleep. And avoid food. Except for fruits. <3
I know it was a long post. Thanks for reading. I love you all! <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)