the plan on money and weight problems. GOALS! ... I actually plan to achieve!

So one of the good things about not having any friends left is being able to sleep a lot more and get some rest.

As I mentioned a couple posts ago I had a really bad time and several weeks I spent on my own, crying. Unable to face the rest of the world I’d drag myself to work, back home and visit the local supermarket from time to time in order to spend all my money on the next binge. That’s how I gained so much weight. Remember last Saturday I woke up and was 136 lbs fat.

Now that I’ve decided to start fighting I realize that I can finally see the good things in all that. As a result of breaking up with all my friends I can now safe money. Of course I didn’t until last week because I was so devastated that all the money I had I traded in for chocolate, chips, pizza and pasta at the supermarket.

Of course there won’t be no binges no more, right? Plus I won’t see my best female friend no more. She’s the kind of girl one should hate, really. She’s skinny, her legs are amazing. You cannot meet her without having to eat. For the last 2 years I had this feeling that she’s competing with me. She tricks one into eating but of course she’s strong enough to always leave half of the food on her plate. But you continue to eat. As soon as I’d found out what was going on I stopped going to restaurants with her. Only during the time I had the affair until a month ago, only then I would go out for dinner with her. She started eating a bit more and I was doing really well. Maybe because the guy had mentioned how he loved my stomach.

Anyhow. So when you want to meet her you have to spend money. She’s the kind of person who can only see her friend over a cup of coffee or something like that, you’ll always spend money! She would never just come round for a coffee at my place.

All the other friends I had, they would always go out, every Friday, every Saturday. During the week we always went to this little pub, one day every week we had cocktails. In case we’d stay at my best mate’s place (not very often) the money was spent on alcohol.

I don’t know what it is these days but having friends is really expensive.

But now I can safe that money. Well, not really safe it, no. I owe my mother about a thousand bucks for my car and I don’t earn a lot of money. I also have to make sure I have enough money left on my account for insurance and stuff (500 every 6 months).

I might move in a couple weeks and I’d have to get a painter to paint all my walls when I move out. Moving is quite expensive.

So not having those friends no more is a good thing, isn’t it?

I realized it this weekend. I decided to pick up my brothers flatmate from the club I used to go to every week – the only reason was to get out of my flat. I had to get out of my flat. Even though I barely see that flatmate, he’s a nice person and since we’re not exactly close friends – he’s a “friend”, yes, but we never see each other, which means I can still see him. He’s not one of “my” friends I had to break up with. – So I offered to pick him up and give him a ride home. Of course he talked me into having one drink and I saw my former best mate I used to be so close to. He wanted to know why I wouldn’t give him a hug when he said hello. I simply said: “Why won’t you call me?” - not a question. It was more of a “That’s what happens when you treat friends this way”. And turned around and gave the roomie a ride home and went to bad.

A former neighbor of mine who now lives out of town gave me a call yesterday and said he’d be in the city for the night. Because he’s the only one who really keeps calling me even though we’ve not seen each other in years, I let him take me out for dinner. Not good.

It was strange, seeing him. He’s all grown up. And all I heard was that he lives in a nice flat, in a relationship, like all the other guys. That was all I could hear.

And it was one of the reasons why I decided to give my brother and his roommate a call today to go out for a coffee. Because I realized I was getting lonely. After that we made our way to some of their friends and ordered Chinese food.

There you go. Socializing means spending money. And food.

I know this seems like a random long rant about friends and food and money but here’s the thing:

Now I know how it works. And maybe I’ll see my brother more often, plus his mates. But not so often. Only when I feel lonely, to make sure I don’t break in and call the other guys again. I don’t want to do that, they don’t deserve me.

During the week I want to concentrate on work and start going to the gym again. I want to go there at least twice a week. Hell, I keep paying for the gym and I’ve not been using it for the last 5 months! How lousy is that?

I will also try to give my mother as much money as possible every week. Not only because I owe her but also to help me not spending any money on food or going out too much.

Over the next couple weeks I’ll prepare myself for moving out. I won’t tell anyone except my brother. I know better than to tell anyone, even if I still had those friends, they wouldn’t help me. That friend that only eats half of what’s on her plate, L, she moved in with her boyfriend and I was the one who did all the work. Yes, to avoid the affair, but also to help her. I know how to use a screwdriver. I was the only female friend and the only one to even touch that thing. She’d be sleeping on a mattress now if it wasn’t for me.

If she heard that I’ll move – she knows I want to but as soon as I give her a date, all of a sudden she won’t have time. Even though she promised all the time: as soon as you’ve found another flat I’ll help you.

No, I don’t want them to know anything. Looks like I’ll stay in the same house, too. Weird, huh? Haha. Yep, I want to move into one of the smaller flats. It’s only half the size of my flat, really tiny, no charm and I won’t even safe money. But my flat is too big for one person … The only reason I want to move out is because it’s too dangerous for me to live in a flat where there should be 2 people living.

I also decided to set myself some goals. Of course there’s the 125 lbs goal. I want to get there by the end of next week. Next Sunday I will have lost the weight.

Sunday 6^th November: 125 lbs. (56,69 kg, BMI 19.2)

After that I’ll give myself about a month to lose another 5 lbs. Winter’s coming and we should have some meat on us to keep us warm but I think that’s bullshit. You never know what happens. Just imagine someone at work asks you to play Santa and get dressed up and walk through your company and give everyone a chocolate santa or something like that? Of course you want to look all sexy. Not like real Santa. And a costume adds a couple pounds.

Chrm. Sorry. No, really. I think I should be able to lose another 5 lbs until then.

So Wednesday 30^th November: 120 lbs. (54,43 kg, BMI 18.4)

And of course there’s December. I know many of you don’t even want to think about it because this is the month every family comes together to binge and get fat or in case of women to try to make their mother or sister in law at more than they do to feel a bit better. Luckily I don’t really have this sort of family. I’ll bet you here and now that my mother’s suggestion for Christmas Eve will be Spaghetti and a plain salad.

Work is something else. I’ve never had to go to a Christmas party before but they’re planning one already and I know it’ll be held at a restaurant and there will be lots of food. I also found out that our department especially gets huge amounts of gift baskets from other companies every year. For every single team member there will be huge baskets containing nothing but cake or chocolate. I really hope I’ll be strong enough to get rid of those at least 10 temptations.

Maybe I should stay in contact with L for a while. I could just give them to her … Fatten her up a bit. That’d be nice.

But no, really. However hard it will be, I’ll try to lose another 5 lbs.

Saturday 24^th December: 115 lbs. (52,16 kg, BMI 17.6)

I really should be able to do that. It’s important.

What would be really amazing: if I could actually get down to exactly 110,231 lbs by the end of the year! That would make 50 kg and oh my dear god how lovely would that be? And a BMI of 16.9

My dream BMI has always been 16.4. Ever since I heard Melissa (Hollyoaks) say to Hannah: “Guess what my BMI is. Sixteen point four.” I fell in love with that number.

During that time I was only at the start of my ED but had the best time. I went for a run every night, I ate almost nothing for 22 days and lost about 10 kg. In 22 days. And kept the weight off. 10 kg is 22.04 lbs. That time was amazing. I lost 22 lbs but was still huge (yes, I was even fatter than I am now). And Melissa looks so incredibly thin plus she was this strong character and such an inspiration to Hannah, someone I would have wanted as my own friend, that I wanted to be like her. And I fell in love with her, her will and her BMI.

I don’t know how tall I am exactly. My ID says 171 cm, I once was measured 173 cm. So until I know for sure I’ll use 172 cm (5,64 ft) for my BMI, hope that’s okay. Not really cheating, is it?

So yes, these are my little goals for the rest of the year.

I’ll think of something to reward myself as well but I’ll have to think about that.

We have a holiday tomorrow and I’ll use that time to go for a run, tidy up my flat, watch about 40 episodes of SATC (love.) and get some more sleep. And avoid food. Except for fruits. <3

I know it was a long post. Thanks for reading. I love you all! <3

I spent a couple days in the food factory

aka my grandma's. She's not my real grandma, she's my grandpa's girlfriend (which sounds weird). And she loves cooking. And baking. But more than that she loves force-feeding.

Be glad you'll never have to meet her! She's so lovely but she doesn't accept a "no, thanks, i'm not hungry!".

For the very first time in ages I managed to let food disappear from my table (not by eating it ...) and believe me, it was more than half of what she put on my plate but I still felt so bloated and felt like I couldn't move for a couple hours.
And you cannot say no to her. She's very ill, her partner just left her for a couple weeks on her own to go on holiday, she's the "poor grandma" everyone feels sorry for so you don't want to say no. And you eat.

She claims I lost weight. I know I havent. I gained. And now, due to her, I gained even more weight.

You know what I did? I pretended to call my boss and ooooops Oh my god, what, a meeting tomorrow? Oh no. Yep, sorry, I'll be there.
And I left 5 days earlier than I had planned. After only 3 days.

Wait a second, I'll just ... wait. ... and pray to god for me!!!

OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!

130.2 lbs!!

Why???! That means I gained 5 lbs! In like a week or so!

Plus: I was so fucking right about the tattoo! A tattoo near your hip - does not look good on someone who keeps eating!!!
I lovehate my tattoo. I think it looks lovely when I'm dressed. I think it loogs fugly when I'm naked. Like something that doesn't belong there (wonder why).
When you're really skinny and you can actually see your hip bones, then it's okay. but not with a swollen tummy, one that just screams at everyone: "Yeah! I'm stuffed! There's a lot of garbage in me that mouth up there shouldn't have eaten!"

Urgh. So now I should fast. But I can't. Because I'm weak.

Really guys, how do you do it? Go from a couple binge-days to a couple starve-days?

Hm. Maybe reading your blogs helps.
I'm off now.

Love you.

it took me 8 days to finally remember my password!

But here I am now.

I finally got a new computer.

Many things happened.

Car crash involving an ex something and a then current ... whatever it was, 2 deaths, 2 guys in a coma, a job, the huge mission to get another job, many binges, broken mirrors, a lot of bad luck.

Last time I checked I weighed 127 lbs. Not good but I think I look like 120 so that's okay.
Plus the guys still seem to think I'm skinny enough, they still think of me as the perfect one night stand, they always try to chat me up. Until they realise I won't sleep with them and then they stop calling. Imagine what that feels like.
But hey, they wouldn't even try if I actually looked as fat as I am, would they?

How are you guys?

It took me quite a while to log in but hey, I finally remembered my fucking password (sorry. It's just ... I'm a bit upset. Turned out it was one of the passwords I see every day in the contact list on my phone (yeah. to make sure I won't forget it)).
Guys I am so very sorry. I shouldn't come back and say "yay! Guess who's back!" and disappear for another 4 months. Really sorry. Remember how I told you about those weird pink stripes on my desktop?

Well. The laptop died. And I had no money for a new one so tried to fix the old one ... Let me tell you: it was not actually ... well, not even close to death, as it turned out. I'm the motherfucker who was DUMB enough to try to fix it and, on that mission, I sucked the life out of my beloved laptop. Silly me.

Swear to god: the next time my laptop wants to rest for a while, I'll just say "Yeah. Take a nap. You deserved it. ... but, hey, if you're close to death after all, just give me a call, I might be able to speed things up for you, make sure you're not gonna suffer for a long time before shutting down for good".

So how have you been? Sarah, Lucy ... oh I'll have to read your blogs. Tadaa! That's why I bought a couple beer and cigarettes. Yup. I am gonna read a lot tonight.

Glad to be back.

Miss Burton.

eye candy

I had 600 kcal today. Uh no, a bit more even. Sorry.

So at work I had about 10 grapes and 5 strawberries (how many calories do you guess?) and when I came home I had a bowl of pasta with broccoli (which had 600 calories).

One of my friends thinks I'm crazy because I think Johnny Knoxville is super hot. I know, I'm a lot younger and should be fancying ... dunno, Robert Pattinson? But there's something about older men I really like. Not as in hey, he's got to be old, he's got to be in his late fourties or something like that. But if a guy's older and looks fresh and young and alive, that's hot, isn't it?
And Johnny Knoxville has all that plus a bit of arrogance, passion (for stupid things, yeah, but better than nothing), and I think that deep down he's actually one of the guys who aren't plain stupid. Hey, have a look at Jackass and compare him to ... let's say Bam. One of them is mature. And it's not Bam. I find that sexy.
Am I the only one? Yep, didn't think so.

Anyhow, here's some eye candy.




To me he's the ideal man. Strong, confident, true, himself, able to hold the hand of someone he loves, daring.
Oh, and sort of, kind of, a little bit hot.

back to bloggers, new to American Diner.

You know American Idol and shows like that. we have DSDS. And normally I never watch these show but this year we have pretty amazing voices singing to us. I just had to share this. For example Marco's version of Use somebody isn't half bad, really.

Luckily I didn't oversleep this morning, even though I had only one hour of sleep.
And I just had dinner with L in an Amercian Diner. We have one, yes. I wish we hadn't ...
So you have to know one thing about L. We are about the same height, she's probably a bit shorter than I am, but she's quite skinny. Skinny as in ... hm, who could you compare her body to? Megan Fox maybe? Anyhow, she's skinnier than I am, she weighs about 108 lbs. I'll try to find out how perfect her BMI is.
L eats half portions only. But most people don't even notice. I have no idea if she has an eating disorder or not (I don't want her to, because she knows about mine and we're frenemies. She'd be the successful one and I don't want that).
So today she ordered a burger and I did, too. But I ordered a side salad.

I had no idea how huge portions are in an American diner! Blimey. Sorry guys, but you Americans, you're sick. Is that really normal in the US?!? It's ... I don't even have words for it, really.
But today I only ate half of the burger as well and had only a couple forks of my salad. I even made L eat some more of my salad, how good is that?!

L is my thinspiration.
Do not judge me, I am not a bad person. Some of you guys know L and know what sort of realationship we have. But what she's also very good at is telling me that she had to put another hole into her belt because she lost weight yet again, a second before ordering.
For almost two years now I've been trying to lose weight as quickly as she did. All of a sudden she had a gap between her thighs. And it seems like she's never even heard of the jojo effect.
One day I'll be as skinny as her.

I want to start working out again but don't have the time. Seriously, this isn't a bad excuse. I get up at 7, go to work, and I'm in the office until AT LEAST 5.30 pm but most days 8 pm. Sometimes even 9 to 10.
Even when I find the time to get out of the office at 5, until i'm back home it's 6. There's no gym nearby. I'd have to walk 40 minutes through the darkness and back but the area where the next tym is is quite a ghetto. Plus I don't have the time to go to the gym because if I can get out of the office early, I have to use that time to run my errands. Stuuuuuuuuuupid!!!

But I'll find a solution.
And now I'll catch up on Sarah. :)
My dear, dear Sarah. <3


ah let me know what you think of dear Marco Angelini and his live cover of use somebody.

The Miss

1. German. [I hate being German. They don’t even have a proper language. It sounds weird. There’s no melody in it.]
   
2. something between 19 and 24 years old. August. I’m one of the guys with long yellow hair, sharp teeth and a wild roar. Be afraid. Beware.
   
3. I am proud of my hair. It is proper red. It looks amazing. Think something between Lindsay Lohan and Rihanna.
   
4. I have a brother, a mother and a stepdad.
   
5. I'm in sales and marketing.
   
6. I moved to London when I was a teenager and lived there for a while. Without my parents.
   
7. I will not stay in Germany.
   
8. I consider London as my hometown. And whenever football’s on TV and I’m at our local bar, football's on TV, England vs Germany, I’m the one cheering for England. I have many enemies in that bar.
   
9. I dont know how tall exactly I am but think 172 cm tall.
   
10. Currently I weigh sometimes 127 to 131 lbs.
    
11. I have been 140 lbs before. Which means 131 is considerably good. OK it's not, I've been there for years so it is not, really.
    
12. I am not into labels. This is always my response when someone asks me about my sexuality. They don’t get it? I don’t explain. I only say “I am not into categorising people.”
    Which is true. I know which sex I prefer. But you never know what happens. And even if, you’d be put in a corner. I hate that. Sexuality is fluid. So I don’t even call myself bisexual. I know what I want, I think, mostly, but I’ll do whatever I feel like at the moment
    
13. I try to live in the moment.
    
14. I have a very turbulent and entertaining yet chaotic love life. This does not say I have a relationship. I don’t and I don’t think I’ll have one in the next couple months. I’m not really a relationship person. Sometimes I wish I had one, though.
15. I have 2 close female friends. L, who's sometimes my biggest enemy (people who know my last blog know her and probably think "WTF get rid of that weirdo already!"). B, who is a couple years older than me but acts like a child most of the time (I'm the grown up, even though she's a mum).
    

Hello there. This is me. Miss Burton. Starting a new blog because the old one is ... old. And because I finally have INTERNET! WOOOOOOOOOH!
I know most of you won't remember me or notice that I'm back but here's hoping ... and I really need to blog again, I've MISSED it.

I think I'll shut down the old blogs in a couple weeks, until then you have time to read some pages again and try to remember me. Haha. Good luck.

xxx