oh the nerves ...

Lovely Sarah is back! Nice!

My stomach hurt so much today, I really had trouble at work.
And I was in the best mood at the same time, could not stop smiling and grinning, my boss was a bit shocked to see me so happy.
Went for lunch with Skarsky and an American (I'm really running out of chances to speak my own language) and had nothing, only a bit of mice to calm Skarsky down. But my stomach kept hurting.
So my boss sent me home.
I went to my mother's and had some salad, bit of cheese and some bread, NOT MUCH, really.

And now i'm home, still feel horrible but have to pick up S in an hour - we want to go back to the pub.
I'm so shit scared. I really don't know what to say, I already feel like a 13 year old stalker with hearts in her eyes. Shouldn't have snogged the barkeeper.
But I liked that pub.
Hope it'll be crowded, I don't really want to talk to him because I can't get wasted and my english is horrible when I'm sober and because of my accent people expect me to speak proper english, grammar, vocabular but all I can do is this high pitched squealing english ...

Oh I am so so so nervous.

AND I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!!

Plus I gained 3 lbs after those couple spaghetti yesterday! So unfair!

God ... got to get ready ... need a new face and new body before i see him again. new identity and new mother tongue as well.


fucking hell I really fucking hate being german! I'd happily weigh 5 lbs more, even 10 if I were british.

Apparently I do.

Last night was boring, we had one beer in an empty pub and left before midnight ...
of course NOT!

Now let me tell you everything ... I can remember.

My friend S and I went to the pub at 8 pm - my brother and his flatmate were with us but left early because it was "too boring" - they should've waited more than 5 minutes for something to happen.

The pub was really cute, tiny, CROWDED!

Like an irish pub should be.
We met so many people - men, mostly, there were only 3 other women actually, really. but about 100 men. And men they were, not boys. Real men. Oh god.

And everyone from ireland or australia! Finally I had a chance to speak english again!
I really hate the German language and prefer speaking english but with whom? So S had to speak English as well but she did really good.

We really knocked ourselves out, even though we'd said we wanted to leave by midnight to make it to the gym in the morning, 9 am.
Please don't hate me for not going to the gym but there was no way I could've done it.
it wasn't possible. Not after so many KilkennyGinger and Bulmers and Jägermeister. And Whiskey. I don't drink Whiskey. Or so I thought. Apparently I do.

The moment we came in and ordered our first bulmers we noticed the barkeepers. One of them long black hair and a real beard, the other one red hair, bit younger. Looked nice. And irish. He's not, he's from Australia ( found out a second ago, S just told me. Hello?! I'm really good with placing accents. Now you know how drunk I must've been)
but we didn't even argue about him because he didn't seem to be interested in flirting with the only two good looking girls in the bar, not at all.
And apart from the body fat we really looked good.

Well, there were other men, one of them already gave me a call but he's not my type, too tall, too ... sorry, really really sorry, but he's got a bit of a belly I think and I can't have that. Yes, I am that superficial.

So we had all this beer and the whiskey and it was 5 am (hello gym in 4 hours. we still thought we'd make it) and everyone left the pub and apparently - now I have to tell you this the way S told me because I don't remember everything.
Apparently I turned round, went back and wanted to say goodbye to the barkeepers.

All the men were outside, with S. Waiting.
For 45 minutes.

Somewhen during those 45 minutes I discovered that I was kissing quite a hot bartender.
Who started it? Him? Me? I'd kill to find out. Please, I don't want to be this girl that came back in and attacked a bartender. There must've been some talking ... Ah. or not, no wonder I couldn't place his accent.
Damn, he really looked so irish.

Ok so after a while S came back in. The other barkeeper apparently locked the door behind her, thats what the other guy told me on the phone. He sounded a bit hurt and said something like "was a clear signal" and "probably played guitar" (S told me the barkeeper actually started playing the guitar) and "yeah I guess he'll be working tomorrow" when I mentioned that S wanted to go to the pub again. He was jealous. Poor guy.

So he locked the door in front of those guys and that's when we started drinking again. S had to talk to the other guy because ... well, Australian and I were sort of unable to talk.

After a couple hours i guess S told me to get my stuff and get going. We made our way to the train and BAAAAMM all of a sudden there's the Australian in front of us, on a bike. He scared the shit out of me. Now I don't remember it but S told me that we had no time to talk, train was already there, but kissed again and then we left.
He wanted to make sure we're okay. God. Dear god. I must've looked really ... fugly, wasted, tired.

And I slept all day, tried to eat some spaghetti (ordered spaghetti. Read Sams spaghetti-post and wanted to order spaghetti) and some salad. I had way too much but not even half of it. So ... yeah, okay I guess.

127,89 lbs it was this morning i think.

I still have a massive headache.

Well, we decided to go to the pub tomorrow after work. To be honest, i'm nervous, I think the guy was nice ... And I was so out of conrol and cannot remember anything.
Glad I have S, now i know his name, age (32 makes him 10 yrs older then me, more experienced and still not too old, perfect age), that he's from Autralia and not Ireland and ... yeah. That's about it.

I'll try to eat some more, maybe I'll feel better than. And go to sleep. God, this night really killed me.
Love you :)

lunch time makes me proud.

Finally, after 8 weeks of failing, it finally hit me.

I had to stop eating - so I did. But here's the thing:
I did go out for lunch with Skarsky on Thursday and Friday, he ate, I watched him eat, it was fun. He really wanted me to eat something as well, even though he normally hates sharing and hates it when I steal something from his plate, he got me a fork. But I said I wasn't hungry (Thursday).
That night I went to his place and we watched a movie - and he ordered pizza - a big one.
I was unable to count how many times he held a piece of pizza in my face and tried to tempt me but I stayed strong.
The next day I went to another shop to get some Red Bull and when I came back to the restaurant he was already eating - and two older guys from work were there as well. They asked if I wanted to eat something and I said I'd already eaten at work. Skarsky said nothing, this time he really didn't try to tempt me like the day before and I was glad for that.
I actually have to be a bit more careful because when we watched the movie there was this really awesome actress and my reaction was ... Wooohooow.
He looked at me as if I were mad and I said: "What, she looks awesome". The girl was really skinny as well.
And his reaction: "You're either bisexual or ... you don't have a problem with bulimia or anorexia do you."
It wasn't a question, it was: Ok, weird reaction, either obsessed with skinnyness or girls.

Both, babe.
I changed the subject as if it wasn't even worth a reaction but now I really have to be a lot more careful.

Btw, his ex is trying to hit on him again, he told me. Have to make sure I'm not acting like a jealous friend.

So I didn't eat for 48 hours and this night I had to eat some tomato soup with rice, had 260 kcal.
Today I had an italian bagel (405 kcal).
That's okay for now ...

But not eating felt better.
How are you guys doing?
I'll catch up on your blogs tomorrow, got to go now and get ready, we're going to this irish pub and I'm really really hoping to meet some cute guys there - maybe, hopefully there really are guys from the island. I miss british people!!

The devil wears prada. And in this case the devil has the figure of Beth Ditto.

Please stop blogging for a couple weeks you guys??? Please?
It really is not easy, catching up on you. I read a couple posts but have to go to bed now - I just fell asleep over someone's blog, not a nice thing! I'll try to continue tomorrow.

No, I've not been to the gym. I have no time!
Remember I had the flu - I still have, actually. But I'm at work, everyday. Up to 11 hours sometimes because - well, employment probation is nearly over and a lot is going on, my boss is testing me, he's like Miranda Priestly in the devil wears Prada.

No shit, he really is. There are those faux-projects I have to work on until I finally find out that it is completely unnecessary because we don't sell sth, we don't need sth or there's a new contract with someone. He'll let me work my way through the papers for 6 hours, six!!! until I realise - on my own - that it's been a test.
believe me, guys, I'm really tired.

I keep eating, I have no time to go to the gym and I fell asleep in Skarskys car on our way to lunch at 1 pm on a 3 minutes drive. Pathetic.

I also feel like letting you guys down because I barely leave comments - ok, not my fault, it takes up to an hour to catch up on every single blog (not Sams though, a lot more time required when it comes to you), I have no time to post nice pictures, I am RAMBLING and I have not published a post in so many days ...

It'll be better in a month, when probation's over, okay?
I'll be back 100 per cent then.

hellooohooo.

Hello again.
Beautiful, being able to post.

Well, Skarsky came back to work. The first day he accidentally "hugged" me - sort of. It was a nice gesture but after two or three days I was annoyed again. Told you he's a bit loud sometimes and has this silly "I don't care about anything and want the whole world to know that" attitude? It really is frustrating sometimes.
One evening I went to his place and it was sort of nice but of course I was a bit scared. There's no denying it, something's been in the air for quite a while - not even chemistry but something dangerous is going on. So I was scared to be alone with him. Luckily he mentioned a couple times that he would never get involved with a co-worker. Never.
I'm safe. Good.

The guy I met during stocktaking who wanted my number? Well, the both of us had to sleep on the couples sofa a week ago and I was drunk enough to finally let him kiss me - I think we made out for about 4 hours. It was sort of fun but the next morning it was over - for me.

Really, he's a nice guy but I knew something was missing. And 2 days ago I saw him again at the couples house, big party. He really is not the right guy for me. Too loud. Too annoying. He always has something to say. You know those guys who - let's say there's a fly on the wall, right? And they HAVE TO tell the world: Hey, look, there's a fly on the wall. Ha. haha. Hahahaha.

You know what I mean? There's nothing they don't have to say something about, something to comment on, and always the laugh.
I find it really irritating.

You have to stay focused, you cannot be abscent for a minute, it really feels like a fulltime job, being with those people because they keep talking.

Then again he made me feel guilty for being such a vamp last weekend when I was drunk and now ignoring him and obviously being really pissed because of his presence.

It was not a good situation, believe me.

The food thing is a bit better these days. I skipped lunch twice and the other days I finally picked up my old routine of pouring all the salt I can find on half of my plate. Skarsky really is a big help.

I find it interesting how certain people don't do anything but you get this routine when it comes to eating as soon as they are with you.

Yesterday I weighed 129 lbs. not good.
I have not been to the gym since my cold. I will go tomorrow, swear to god.

Not today though, have to tidy up and then dress up because we're going to the cinema - couple and i.

Oh btw. i'm trying to dye my hair back to red. But not the Rhianna-red I used to have, no.
Because I dyed it brownish it will take a while but in the end I want red hair, but it has to look a bit more natural.

Next week I'll catch up on you guys okay?

Love

A WONDER!

It really took 28 minutes to load this page! To be able to post something.

I TIMED IT!

Jesus FUCKing Christ!
Because I had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to post - but no internet connection! I spent last week in bed - basically since my last post, apart from Thursday when I tried to go to work - they sent me back home within 4 minutes - and Saturday night when I decided to fuck all this and went ice skating with the couple. Turned out to be a good thing because I finally started sweating like hell and that's a good thing, right?

Since Monday I'm back in the office but still coughing and feeling dizzy - but I want to work. Hell, I cannot even bear one week outside the office, I go mad as soon as they say "Take a week off, B. You deserve a week off, get some rest". What for? It's boring back home, I'M SINGLE, there's no one to entertain me!

So I wanted to post but had no connection at all. It's a bit better now, hey, 28 minutes to open a website. Great.
And because I lost touch with you guys and I could not go to the gym - I ate.

I binged, to be more precise.
Every day for one week. Pizza AND Pasta AND half a cake EVERY day - can you imagine how bloated i am? How bloated I feel?

How bloated I LOOK?

It got even worse this Sunday because finally, finally Skarsky called and asked if I had time, if I was up to do something.

I WAS! I wanted to finally see him in the real world, not our offices!
And I could not because I looked horrible, I smelled horrible and the stuff I kept coughing out was even more horrible. I was the flu monster or something like that.

Only good news is:

I think maybe I can even go back to the gym tomorrow. It's not good today, I'm still a little weak, but tomorrow I'll try.
And I think in two days I can get the new code for my internet which means it'll be a lot faster and I'm back again. :)
Good, right?

Plus Skarsky will be back at work next Monday - finally! And I'll probably start going out for lunch withe the guys again - good because that means I'll be more aware of my eating, get back in my "pour all the salt you can find on half of the portion" routine and eat only one meal the entire day. See, that's why I missed him so much.

And now lets pray that it'll publish this post ...

And don't you do anything when he kisses you.

Well then - happy new year. May 2012 bring lots of energy so we can go to the gym, lots of willpower so we can say no to too many calories and someone to tattoo guys we cannot trust a mark on the forehead so we are safe.

What were you up to? Friends and family and lots of champagne?



I went to the befriended couple and apart from me and the girlfriend there were only men. It was fun. No bitching, no silly laughs, nothing, but fun. The guy I met on the party during stocktaking, who went bowling with us last week, he was there, too.

He kissed me and I didn't do anything. Nothing, I let him kiss me but didn't kiss him back and please do not ask me why but he was soooooooooo scared when he pulled back and had this look on his face, like someone who wants to cry out "Please, god, give me a sign, what is going on?".

It was funny, really.

Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy - but I don't really want to get involved.
The day I met him a friend and I were talking about how men have to act to achieve their goals, relationships or ONS. I basically gave him the perfect manual instruction for me.
I know his friends had this conversation in which they basically decided that I wasn't the right one, they rather wouldn't see me fooling around with him. Okay, his decision but ... dunno.
I met him three times and all of a sudden he kisses me. From day one there was a chemistry that everybody noticed but he never asked me out.
Why now?

Of course I'm careful. Last guy I got involved with managed to kick me out of my group of friends. Okay, I decided to go but it was due to him. He also managed to make me feel really horrible, my self esteem was ... hello down there? How's the middle of the world? warm? Feeling comfy? That low.

I cannot do this.
But like him. So I let him kiss me and that way everyone got what they wanted and hip hip hurray.

AND DONT THEY HAVE TO FIGHT TO DESERVE YOU FIRST?

just a thought that hit me on my way home. Really, I know I'm sending mixed signals and of course he has no idea what I'm thinking but come on, guys really have to prove they're worth it.


Oh, they had hamburger but I didn't. Good eh? But had spaghetti today, sorry. It was really necessary to soak up all that booze in my belly ... God I got so wasted last night.



I weighed 131,2 lbs this morning.
Let the new countdown begin.







It took Skarsky 18 hours to reply to my happy new year text.